Bat-Signal Vandalised By Unknown Prankster

by Shaky Parkinson

Disturbing images released by Gotham City Police have shed light on the rumours circulating that the departments trusted Bat-Signal has been vandalised by vandals.  Leads are light on the ground but Commissioner Gordon is adamant the perpetrator will be caught.

"This is a bad day for a shit city," he stated during an interview with Gotham reporter Vicki Vale, "These lousy crooks have gone too far.  They've disgraced a symbol of solidarity and safety and the people won't stand for it."

So far there have been no arrests but CCTV footage shows a loudly dressed, pale and content individual running amok in the GCPD during the early hours of this morning.

"They can broadcast a cock."

"What we're dealing with here is some sort of prankster or joker," continued Gordon, "Clever, bitter, probably been in the game too long.  He revelled in being seen and his juvenille humour is obviously a playground pastiche.  It makes you fucking sick.  Doesn't it?  Doesn't it make you sick?  Anyone who thinks they can broadcast a cock and balls from my roof is looking for a short spell in a lax state prison."

Upset Bruce Wayne.

The seriousness of the crime has caused the Police to ask themselves some much needed questions and the Commissioner was quick to place himself and his entire staff under arrest until new guidelines can be put in place to prevent any such incidents from occurring in the future.  The movement gained unexpected support from the Gotham Criminal Underworld when respected crossword promoter Edward Nigma stepped forward to condemn the attack.

"I've been pedalling violence and chaos for years and such childish imagery brings criminals everywhere into disrepute," he commented, "We are willing to do a job most people wouldn't and when one of our kind goes ahead with such uncomplimentary scheming it makes us all look like a bunch of amateurs.  I'm too angry for puns."

"Others claim."

Batman was as usual unavailable for comment and his accompanying absence from the streets of Gotham is being seen by many as defeat.  Others claim that the damaged Bat-Signal is a possibility for his absence.  Luckily the arrival of Twatman on the scene has held the potential crime wave at bay.

Twatman a.k.a. Zoltan Kohari
official publicity shot.

"I've been working on the fringes of protection for years," claimed Twatman from his secret hideout on West 54th Street, "It's hard to earn respect when you've got the likes of Batman ploughing the skies with multi-billion dollar planes and the like.  I'm just happy to help but when I saw my name up in lights I'll admit it felt good to get the recognition I deserve."

Twatman was first seen fending off a drunk and violent Bruce Wayne outside Old Wayne Tower and although his appearance onto the crime-fighting scene is much welcomed, the citizens of Gotham City still have their heads turned skyward in search of their missing hero.

Yokel Finds Batcave, and Listeners

by Shaky Parkinson

Cretin's current project (Begun 1976)

Local yokel Wilbur Cretin has today laid down claims that he has uncovered The Batcave and that it is buried underneath his shed.  A rant was quickly organised at Cretin's local drinking establishment, The Dick and Duck.

Amid slurs Wilbur is said to have, "Tripped over a Batarang that was sticking lodged under some turf in the garden.  After I got out the shovel and dug down I found myself a Batcave."

Pressed by the press Wilbur elaborated, "There wer' all sort o' gadgets and gizmo' down there.  I found this one ting tha' look very much like a utility belt but I was out of soap so as couldn't clean up tha logo.  But it twas mighty sospicious."

Asked if he thought that this Batcave predated the current Bale Hangout, Cretin had this to say, "I'm no genius, but my cave 'ad plans for Gotham City's foundation and a list o' possible names."  Upon examination the beer soaked scrap clearly showed the favourite choice for the now Gotham City was actually Bollocksville. The numerous signatures, ticks and comments such as, 'I like this one best' have led current Mayor Sebastian Hady to draw up plans for a renaming ceremony.

Cretin has already laid out plans for a Batman style theme park including museum, Batcafe and villain themed petting zoo.  The excitement was only broken up when Cretin's next door neighbour, one Mr. S. Mear claimed that his rockery covers half of the cave's most notable features, specifically the toilets.

The dispute lasted sometime until finally a truce was offered on the condition that S. Mear gets to name all the pets in the zoo after his Great Aunt Patricia Penguin.  A quick rendition of the Batman Theme concluded events and a date for the park's opening was set for yesterday.

Batman was unavailable for comment.