Miracle Cow Pig Hybrid Cures World Pessimism

by Shaky Parkinson

Pow (Artist Impression)

Scientists at Oxford University have claimed that they have cured world hunger in the most miraculous and tasty way possible.  The sudden discovery of a new cow pig hybrid in the Dean's private garden is being hailed by all as the second coming.

"This event cannot be measured in any feasible terms and even the phrase 'Epic' is a woeful understatement," beamed University Professor Dungus Fluff, "After we'd carried out the preliminary scientific necessities such as measuring it and giving it a name we were quick to get 'Pow' onto the barbecue for the taste test.  Luckily we were holding the monthly staff party and it is just wandered out of the shrubbery, if this isn't proof to back up the existence of God then we might as well quit now."

"We'll be able to cure."

"If you think you've tasted heaven then be prepared to question your beliefs because this shit is the bomb," slobbered Humanitarian Professor Charlie Eats, "It tastes like steak, pork, gammon and ribs all in one incredible mouthful with a bacony aftertaste that carries you through until the next bite.  They even have inbuilt suicidal tendencies and an innate ugliness that lends them easy butchering.  And it doesn't stop there; these fuckers just keep jumping out of the bushes so we're pretty confident that we'll be able to cure world hunger in a matter of weeks.  What a fucking win!"

Priests of all religions were quick to praise the miracle with the Pope declaring, "God has risen again and this time his followers will be so full of belief the world will soon be plunged into a tasty universal enlightenment."

Miracle garden.

"God works in mysterious ways," munched Archbishop Anders Plaff, "And if he sees fit to return to earth in the form of a cow pig chicken amalgamation thing who are we to question his designs?"

"Out of one fucking."

As is the human races usual want conflict was quick to muster with thousands of television chefs coming together to protest the miracle.  "This will fucking ruin us," fumed Gordon Ramsey, "How many recipes do you think we can milk out of one fucking animal especially when it tastes so fucking excellent?  This could be the end to contemporary food as we know it.  Think about Heston what the hell is that fucker going to do now people's diets will be so satisfyingly limited, there's only so much you can do with herpes cream."

Oxford University were quick to ease the situation by saying that a recipe book arrived stuck to one of the cows that featured over seventeen million different recipes for the new creature that swiftly killed the protest until the Vegetarians got wind of the story and began marching feebly on London."

The Government was quick to dispel the protests with impromptu feeding stations that were able to turn the most dedicated Vegetarians against their beliefs in acceptance of the one true Pow.  A breakaway sect of Vegetarianism merged with some renegade Vegans in a desperate bid to combat the change but with farmer's now on a well-deserved permanent vacation it is thought that the rebellion will soon die out.  "With all the chicken's being freed and the Vegan's limited berry knowledge and unsuitability to apple theft we are pretty confident they'll come to accept the new world in time," claimed Old McDonald.

"Hitting the village for a rape."

Warlord E. Vilevil celebrating
the coming of the Pow.

"Now that we have all the food we want I'm just a bit too full to indulge my blood lust," claimed African Warlord E. Vilevil, "The lads are happy so we're going to shelve the guns and catch up on Desperate Housewives instead of hitting the village for a rape."

Questions as to the creatures origin were being asked by the strongest atheists the Internet had to offer so News Guff gave the benefit of the doubt to Particle Physicist Edmund Spat of Cambridge University, "What we have here is an inter-dimensional tear in the space time continuum that is seeing an alien race being transported through time and space into the Dean's garden at Oxford University.  For all we know we're munching our way through the population of Venus without a care for the consequences.  With this theory I think we can adequately dispel the ludicrous notion of miracles.  Next they'll be saying that those dogs over at Oxford are the saviours of the world."

"Spat was unable."

With the complete global dynamic in change for the better, Oxford University is being hailed as the Saviour of the World and its entire faculty is being honoured with knighthoods for services to peace and prosperity.  When asked for a second quote Spat was unable for comment, although the Cambridgeshire Police claim to have seen a man of similar description lying under a thunder struck piano in Cambridge City Centre with the word 'Coincidence' written on his T-Shirt.

When asked for a quote to sum up today's events God had this to say, "If this doesn't get the idea across then I'm heading off to Fiji for an early retirement."

Either way this period of global unity is set to continue into the next millennium or to the point when Pow's are eaten into extinction but seeing as that is an uncertainty the world is enjoying its longest period of peace in like forever.

Massacres Necessary Claim Church

by Shaky Parkinson

A typical overcrowded
funeral performance.

The Church have today claimed that although they don't condone the use of violence they were forced to admit that a massacre every now and again is a blessing to their workload.  "We have to be realistic," claimed a representative of the Vatican, "No one is taking up the religious calling anymore.  The seminary's are seeing fewer and fewer applicants and we are frightfully short staffed."

He continued, "The Church has always over seen massacres and put a stop to any excessive killing.  We aren't butchers but if these events must occur we like to get a jump on proceedings and make sure things are done properly.  Frankly a mass burial for a thousand mutilated corpses is a huge time saver.  The average funeral in Florence can take anywhere up to three hours and we simply don't have the man power to deal with these demands."

"Work is hard."

Typical Biblical mass grave.

"There's nothing like a good massacre," claimed Armand Pitt of Grave Digger's association SHOVEL (Spiritual Holing Of Vaults for Extinguished Life), "Work is hard to come by and I'm losing men everyday to the well industry.  We need massacres to keep business flowing.  Even another foot and mouth outbreak would help.  In this economy you have to diversify but there is always room for the classics."

"Being brutally murdered during genocide is horrific," claimed one Cadaver, "So I'm glad that my death is not in vain.  People give the Church a hard time but they do a good job and I'm glad to be doing my bit.  It's not like funerals are hugely important once you're dead and it's nice to see people are becoming educated in these matters."

"We love 'em," cited Crematorium Manager Roger Burnside, "Fire's a good deal more effective than a bunch of worms and nothing screams efficiency like the smell of a thousand burning skeletons.  Death is a busy industry, especially with all this saturated fat about, so we need to maximize our time and efforts on getting rid of these corpse's as soon as they come onto the market."

"Wigan was the scene."

Modern streamlined
mass grave.

Despite widespread support for the practice there have been riots in backlash to today's news.  Church's Solicitors in Wigan was the scene of a firebombing early this afternoon when rioters hit the streets.  The attack left seventeen wounded individuals and three dead.  The resulting visit by a priest was greeted with more outrage when a second riot was instigated that lead to a further six hospital admissions.

"What they don't seem to realise," preached Parish Priest Father. Percy Ray, "Is that their actions are going to result in an extra firing squad shift in India and believe me they are already backed up the shitter.  This chaotic and unorganised violence solves nothing but through the love of Jesus they may at least learn the error of their ways so future priests will be spared the time of another unwanted hospital visit during the rugby."

Arguments have been put forward by numerous charitable organisations in a bid to change religion's stance on mass killing but due to a bad flu outbreak in Surrey and a bake sale in Wisconsin there was no one on hand to respond to the requests.