Puff Piece Found Dead In Tree

by Shaky Parkinson

Crime scene.

After a six month search the body of missing news icon 'The Puff Piece' was found stuck up a tree on Clapham Common in the early hours of this morning.  Police have said they are shocked at the discovery but are happy that their arduous search has finally resolved itself in a moderately positive way.

"Stabbed."

Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.

"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees.  It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches.  So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body.  I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life.  I mean what's the world coming to?"

The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over.  The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."

"Knives."

Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data.  Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.

And in lighter news...

Investigation Launched Into 1970's Policing

by Shaky Parkinson

Scotland Yard's squeaky clean reputation has fallen into disrepute after a number of television personalities have come forward claiming that the Metropolitan Police are guilty of systematic abuse dating back as far as the 1970's.

"Men as old as 87."

The bubble of lies finally burst when an independent commission was set up to investigate confessions made by broadcaster Stuart Hall about how the police systematically preyed on the weak and vulnerable wallets of men as old as 87 throughout the television industry for over four decades.

In a statement earlier this morning Hall claimed, "We were powerless, they knew how to isolate us and shame you into their way of thinking.  It's not like you could go to the police or seek help elsewhere and so you just end up going along with what they want.  It makes you feel sick, sick and hopeless.  I'm just happy that this is all coming out in the open."

"Indecent money."

Officials were seen leaving Scotland yard with boxes containing thousands of indecent money bands along with numerous cigar ends and used whisky glasses that under examination will hopefully contain invaluable DNA evidence to ratify the claims.  Yet the question of how have these crimes went unpunished for so long is still one that needs answering.

"By all appearances Scotland Yard was the beacon of trust and honesty," claimed Commission Head Gerald Printer, "No one had a bad word to say about it and the nation was fully content to support and encourage it."

Stuart Hall outside Preston
Crown Court.

"Maybe a few years ago the shock at the recent findings would have been markedly less ravenous," he continued,  "But with today's falling social standards and unforced media economy the British public are ready to enact their viciousness for almost anything. Even so it is a terrible thing to watch such a long serving member of the United Kingdom being brought into disrepute. As always our thoughts are with the victims families and we hope that our investigation can uncover any and all hidden secrets and establish the true nature of these crimes."

"And stalking as well."

Further information was released about an alleged secret 'Vice Squad' that were unofficially tasked with carrying out the alleged offences that range from bullying, blackmailing and stalking as well as both physical and mental assault.

A spokesman for The Sun newspaper claimed, "We've been furthering this cause for years now and it seems we're doing a damn sight better job than those sickos back in the 70's.  All they've done is let these predators run around unchecked and it is up to The Sun to sell the public some justice."

Despite the investigation still being in its early stages families of the prospective victims are already setting up their bank accounts for a potential boost in assets and it is hoped that the necessary castrations and resignations will be carried out on live television in the coming weeks.

'Gategate': Scandal Exclusive

by Shaky Parkinson

Semi-reliable sources inside Downing Street have leaked formally exclusive information about the property damage suffered by Conservative MP for Kinky Heath, Sebastian Flick during the attack on his home late last Thursday.  What Police were originally calling a 'Gate' Crime perpetrated by a band of drunkards is rapidly being attributed to an ongoing Parliamentary war between two opposing factions within the two main political parties.

At 11.15pm on Thursday, security cameras outside Mr. Flick's Surrey home captured a lone figure as he used human excrement, spray paint and a vast array of low budget cinnamon sticks to smear graffiti and discriminatory slogans on Flick's front gate including phrases such as 'Blue Cross Sale: 15% Reduction In All Tory Support' and the not so witty 'Flick's A Fucking Fake Fuck'.

"Behind one in many."

Talk from inside and outside the Government is that the figure bares a striking resemblance to and actually is Labour MP for Lemon-upon-Lime, Funk Underwood who has shared a long standing feud with Mr. Flick which is said to be the motivation behind one in many violent attacks perpetrated by both individuals.

Underwood caught on CCTV.

The dispute is said to have initiated during a widely publicised Parliamentary five-a-side football tournament that took place in the summer of 1991 in which Underwood claimed Flick tripped him on an unopposed goal attempt that cost his constituency a place in the final.  Flick in turn declared his foot never impacted on Underwood's boot and that the verbal slander was a way of overshadowing the fact that he'd in fact fallen over a piece of dirt.

"I."

"The man is a wretch," spoke Flick earlier this afternoon, "He's once again out to bring down not only myself but also himself and the Conservative Party as a whole although I bet he's the one feeling blue after today's formal identification.  Dirty politics such as this reflect a frankly childlike approach to government both personally and professionally so, na nana naaana."

Indeed Flick's rebuke seems well placed as Underwood was this morning arrested on suspicion of vandalism, more vandalism, blasphemy, catnapping and pottymouth with the press dubbing the scandal 'Gategate' after the similarly recent 'Plebgate' affair.

"We're taking this matter in the most anally way possible," noted Chief Intendant Jacob Wiltshire of Scotland yard, "We're having to delve into a two decade old feud that although harmless at first quickly descended into attempted murder, arson, rape and various acts of buggery.  We are only just starting to collect the relevant evidence needed to unravel these deeds but we have no doubt that this conflict branches into the highest levels of Parliament."

"We have no choice but to hand."

Former PM John Major on the
set of his popular game show
'Got Your Number. 10'.

"It was a tricky situation," spoke former Prime Minister John Major, "There was no clear evidence to prove that Underwood had fallen over the dirt and so in the spirit of Democracy it was agreed by all the members to let them battle it out over a jolly game of pranks.  The ensuing physical assaults, joke phone calls, shootings and mild acts of terrorism were all well and good but the use of feces was a step too far and we had to put a stop to it.  It's a shame Underwood was hard pressed for some creative inspiration and chose to attack his rival by airing his own dirty laundry but the man is a red blooded male and can't be blamed for thinking outside the skull.  Now that the matter has become public we have no choice but to hand control over to the Metropolitan Police for a full investigation."

Underwood was unavailable for comment although when interviewed his doorbell piped up to sing a positive tune of his employer.

Cliff Richard Becomes World's First Self Stalker

"It's over," Cliff at Scotland Yard.

Cliff Richard has walked himself into the ego-books by becoming the world's first self-stalker.  His confession was heard by officers at Scotland Yard after he swept into the building in the early hours of this morning claiming to the victim and perpetrator of a stalking he had initiated upon himself.

After the police were presented with scrapbooks, photo logs and Richard's personal correspondence he was taken into custody and questioned before being released on bail minutes later and told to go home.

"Low and hard."

"When Mr. Richard arrived at the station we were of course distressed," claimed Chief Inspector Mark Grubber, "It's not often we see such an upstanding member of the showbiz community at our door but knowing how low and hard they fall we naturally took the confession seriously.  However, despite the overwhelming evidence provided by Mr. Richard against himself we were unable to charge the scumbag with anything and have let him off with a £6.5million fine and the condition he can stay free as long as he doesn't do it again."

With the comforting flash of the paparazzi in tow Cliff read a spontaneous speech he had written yesterday on his ordeal, "It's been a trying decade for me.  I've had plenty of chart records, public appearances and book deals but they just aren't enough anymore so I thought the most effective way to get myself some more exposure was with a stalker and who better to follow my every move than myself. I know him inside out and the convenience was a huge bonus.  I'm brilliant and wonderful and I just want the world to know it."

Cliff performing a miracle for
the Wimbledon spectators.

Guinness official Duncan Runk was called upon to officiate the story, "We've never seen an ego or a record attempt like this.  Mr. Richard is breaking every rule of accepted self admiration so much so that we can't help (and we tried) to give him anything less than the world record for the world's first self stalking, an award he will forever hold and never lose.  Hopefully this will put an end to his record breaking career and encourage him to give up public life and finally retire."

"We all laughed."

Cliff continued (as if he wouldn't), "I may be modest but I'm also great, just great.  It reminds me of the time I was doing something really great with all these well known celebrities and they thought I was great too because they couldn't possibly think otherwise and so I was there being great and just superb when something great happened but not great enough to take the attention away from myself and acted more of as a compliment to my presence when we all laughed, I sold another ten million records and I became even greater."

"We're being used," claimed the Press at Richard's press conference, "It feels horrible that this twisted ego is providing my children with dinner.  If something isn't done to curb this monster we could have another 'Millennium Prayer' incident on our hands and the country has only just recovered from the initial bout.  If he thinks he can get away with it this megalomaniac will soon be dishing out miracles, on every London street corner.  We need to get him and his calendars off the street and behind some sort of bars.  The fact that he isn't aware self-stalking is completely impossible and only remotely feasible in the case of a grudge laden split personality case then we shouldn't humour him."

Leslie Ash with her husband Neil
Morrissey before her accident.

Further anger came Cliff's way when he ignored Leslie Ash's protests that she herself had attempted the same stunt in 2003 after her Homebase contract had ended claiming, "The self stalk is a classic that I started years ago to get myself another series of Merseybeat after my surgical complications.  If anyone belongs in the record books it's me."

"I was stalking myself."

Guinness were looking into the allegations when Cliff returned to Scotland Yard with a possible grin across his face claiming to have been stalking his stalker in an act of revenge, "It started when I found out that I was stalking myself and instead of going to the proper authorities as I know to be right I took it upon myself to seek vengeance against the perpetrator by stalking him like some crazed but ethically sound vigilantly.  I know this makes me appear as some sort of Superman and you'd be right but I think it is time that this sordid affair is uncovered for the world to see.  I just want widely publicised justice."

Things got even more precarious when a supposed Cliff Richard lookalike named Harry Webb visited the same police station moments later claiming to be Richard's real stalker, "I've been following Cliff since his childhood days in India and I feel this man is a terrible egocentric and should be immediately admitted to a psychiatric hospital before he injures somebody."

Webb was later found belly up in the Thames and a warrant has been issued for Richard's arrest.  "It's been a trying but eventful day," continued Grubber, "We just hope that this case will be solved quickly and although we haven't charged anyone yet, Mr. Richard is being held under the spotlight until further evidence can surface to his innocence, guilt or mental stability."

High Voiced Hijinks

by Shaky Parkinson

R.I.P. you sexy bastard!

Semi-popular comedian Joe Pasquale committed suicide late last night at his London home.  It is believed Pasquale was struggling with mounting depression after a recent voice change operation left him unable to cope with the voice of a normal person. Police are describing the incident as "Hilarious," and have stated their thoughts are with the dent in this years Christmas DVD releases.

"He looked normal."

Friends have said that, "He wasn't his jovial self, had sunk into depression," and "Was suffering from violent mood swings.  On the surface of things he looked normal and we have no idea what triggered his unhappiness."

"Pasquale had just landed a position with the London Opera Company to sing bass," claimed DCIP Superintendent Bottoms of Scotland Yard, "It's a sad loss, but shit happens, I'm sure Joe just wanted to give us all one final laugh.  In a recent interview Pasquale had claimed that, "Although I'm pleased with the new job and the diverse nature my career is taking it has left me an empty shell of a man."

Pasquale on a usual
bender.

We spoke to Timmy Wretch a dedicated Pasquale fan who recently underwent expensive and hugely painful vocal scrapings in a bid to sound more like his hero but his enthusiasm has quickly turned to anger and discontent at the announcement of his hero's death.

"He was planning on reversing."

"It made me feel sick, physically sick.  To do this to his fans was hurtful, selfish and uncool.  Joe's death has shown me that it is foolish to place your faith in people no matter how brilliant they are."  When asked if he was planning on reversing the operation Timmy claimed that due to a lack of funds he would not be pursuing additional surgery.

The nation is saddened by the loss and comedy trust CARE (Comedians Against Rubbish Extermination) has been set up to help care for Pasquale's thirty-three orphaned children.  He also leaves behind a strong comic legacy, numerous memories of happiness and one final joke being that his middle name is Ellis.

*News Guff would like to note that Joe Pasquale is not in fact dead and that the initial reports were just a well-staged joke on part of the comedian.  Although his middle name is actually Ellis.

Murray Suspected Of Poisoning Jolly Rival

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has been accused of poisoning this years Wimbledon Championship favourite Roger Federer.  In a shock turn of events Federer was shockingly eliminated from the Wimbledon Quarter-finals earlier in a haze of shock.  Devastated fans looked on in amazement as the 'Greatest Tennis Player Ever' failed to beat his opponent Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

Once confusion had made way for grief many spectators suddenly realised they had seen Andy Murray sneak onto the pitch dressed as a tennis shoe towards the end of the second set.  "He was up to no good," wheezed one member of the general pubic.

Police were slowly called in but were unable to question the British Number, as he was required on centre court to dazzle the amassed idiots.  They were able to get a brief mumble from the miserable ballsack but it was so dull Officer's were unable to retain the words long enough to write them down.

They resulted to observing his mannerisms during his performance to see if anything was amiss.  Behaviour expert, Dennis Dennis found Murray's smug arrogance somewhat suspicious until a nosey Fan explained, "Oh, he always looks like that.  It's why he is so awesome."

It is believed that Murray was acting in cahoots with his power hungry mother, Judy, as one of his puppet strings was found under Roger's chair by a team of forensic specialist people men.

Unfortunately there was not enough evidence to make the charges stick and an organised crowd whinge forced the fuzz to make a quick sanity saving retreat.

It is now feared that the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club are under the threat from a severe raping by the star and a full-time Police presence has been issued to protect the association, (except for bank holidays, weekends and lunchtime).

Agoraphobic Sentenced To Home Incarceration

by Shaky Parkinson

Computer weirdo, Ryan Cleary has been released on bail today and a curfew has been put in place.  After slapping the FBI in the face last week Cleary was arrested and detained at an Essex Police Station, pleading ignorance.


After much time wasting he was today sentenced to go home and stay there.  Ryan who is a prolific agoraphobic thanked the justice system for being so understanding before running away to hide in some bushes.


Due to a complete inability to communicate with the teen, officers claim to have been forced into decision.  “He was just a pain, we couldn’t ruff him up or even get him to accept a cup of tea.  We even tried good cop, bad cop but this put the cleaners in a huff,” said Police Chief Constable Gubbins.

He went on to say, “To be honest if the FBI hadn’t been wanking off round the station we would have just given him an ASBO and have had done with it.  But we had to make a big hoohah, so we employed drastic measures and sent him back to bed.”

Officer Marks who had the honour of monitoring the Stubble Farm had this to say, “This kid is a fucking pain.  That’s if you can call him a kid, he didn’t have a hoodie and his graffiti art was non-existent.  I don’t see the problem, he was only playing video games or something.”

Cleary who has spent the last four years locked up in his bedroom is pleased to be allowed back into his self made prison.  A spokesman from Scotty Yard said, “This is the most cost effective way of dealing with the offender.  Not only does this save us some money for the staff do but we don’t have to deal with his whining attitude.  It is best to leave him under the supervision of the only two people who can stand to be near him.  His Mother and pet cat, Tiddles.”

Cleary was sentenced to a home curfew and dragged from the station under blanket cover.  One Spectator had this to convey, “He was so delighted he wet himself a bit, but that may have been partly due to the media presence.”

Ryan was told that any attempts at breaking curfew would result in a conservatory and that next time things might be even worse.  Mrs. Cleary threw up her hands in the face of gratitude by deeming the sentence an abomination.  "My poor baby has been unfairly treated.  Not only was he given expert medical attention, he has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and has had a bad time of it," she waffled.

Interest in the story is fading fast as it tends to do.

Website Focus Group Gets Tangled

by Shaky Parkinson

A nineteen-year-old Teenager has today hacked into the FBI's digital porn stash.  The Teen who was part of a website focus group in Putney was baffled when he clicked on a tab marked 'Secret FBI Porn And Info Bank: Do Not Open'.

Upon doing so he was presented with over sixty million wonderful pornographic images, a complete list of national missile defense codes and a funny picture of Barrack Obama in a Jessica Rabbit outfit.

The FBI and Scotland Yard were quick to react to the intrusion by arresting the disgusting computer hacker and confiscating his assigned laptop.  Forensic analysis proved unquestionably that the Youth was fully responsible for breaching global online security and posed a threat to the universe.

The Youngster has been unavailable to comment but the phrase; "Stupid fuckers" has been murmured under the door of the lock up.  The Boy's Parents are in agreement with the authorities that extradition is the only option to protect the whole of humanity from his insane ways.  They also added the reason may also have been because, "He never ate his greens and made a hash of the lawn."

The rest of the focus group were quick to praise the new Internet website and database saying it was the most marvelous thing they had ever seen.  This suspicious behaviour was indeed sussed out by the FBI and it was decided that a group extradition was the only way to be perfectly sure that the smut stayed hidden and secure.

No one will not be paid their £50 incentive.