Cliff Richard Becomes World's First Self Stalker

"It's over," Cliff at Scotland Yard.

Cliff Richard has walked himself into the ego-books by becoming the world's first self-stalker.  His confession was heard by officers at Scotland Yard after he swept into the building in the early hours of this morning claiming to the victim and perpetrator of a stalking he had initiated upon himself.

After the police were presented with scrapbooks, photo logs and Richard's personal correspondence he was taken into custody and questioned before being released on bail minutes later and told to go home.

"Low and hard."

"When Mr. Richard arrived at the station we were of course distressed," claimed Chief Inspector Mark Grubber, "It's not often we see such an upstanding member of the showbiz community at our door but knowing how low and hard they fall we naturally took the confession seriously.  However, despite the overwhelming evidence provided by Mr. Richard against himself we were unable to charge the scumbag with anything and have let him off with a £6.5million fine and the condition he can stay free as long as he doesn't do it again."

With the comforting flash of the paparazzi in tow Cliff read a spontaneous speech he had written yesterday on his ordeal, "It's been a trying decade for me.  I've had plenty of chart records, public appearances and book deals but they just aren't enough anymore so I thought the most effective way to get myself some more exposure was with a stalker and who better to follow my every move than myself. I know him inside out and the convenience was a huge bonus.  I'm brilliant and wonderful and I just want the world to know it."

Cliff performing a miracle for
the Wimbledon spectators.

Guinness official Duncan Runk was called upon to officiate the story, "We've never seen an ego or a record attempt like this.  Mr. Richard is breaking every rule of accepted self admiration so much so that we can't help (and we tried) to give him anything less than the world record for the world's first self stalking, an award he will forever hold and never lose.  Hopefully this will put an end to his record breaking career and encourage him to give up public life and finally retire."

"We all laughed."

Cliff continued (as if he wouldn't), "I may be modest but I'm also great, just great.  It reminds me of the time I was doing something really great with all these well known celebrities and they thought I was great too because they couldn't possibly think otherwise and so I was there being great and just superb when something great happened but not great enough to take the attention away from myself and acted more of as a compliment to my presence when we all laughed, I sold another ten million records and I became even greater."

"We're being used," claimed the Press at Richard's press conference, "It feels horrible that this twisted ego is providing my children with dinner.  If something isn't done to curb this monster we could have another 'Millennium Prayer' incident on our hands and the country has only just recovered from the initial bout.  If he thinks he can get away with it this megalomaniac will soon be dishing out miracles, on every London street corner.  We need to get him and his calendars off the street and behind some sort of bars.  The fact that he isn't aware self-stalking is completely impossible and only remotely feasible in the case of a grudge laden split personality case then we shouldn't humour him."

Leslie Ash with her husband Neil
Morrissey before her accident.

Further anger came Cliff's way when he ignored Leslie Ash's protests that she herself had attempted the same stunt in 2003 after her Homebase contract had ended claiming, "The self stalk is a classic that I started years ago to get myself another series of Merseybeat after my surgical complications.  If anyone belongs in the record books it's me."

"I was stalking myself."

Guinness were looking into the allegations when Cliff returned to Scotland Yard with a possible grin across his face claiming to have been stalking his stalker in an act of revenge, "It started when I found out that I was stalking myself and instead of going to the proper authorities as I know to be right I took it upon myself to seek vengeance against the perpetrator by stalking him like some crazed but ethically sound vigilantly.  I know this makes me appear as some sort of Superman and you'd be right but I think it is time that this sordid affair is uncovered for the world to see.  I just want widely publicised justice."

Things got even more precarious when a supposed Cliff Richard lookalike named Harry Webb visited the same police station moments later claiming to be Richard's real stalker, "I've been following Cliff since his childhood days in India and I feel this man is a terrible egocentric and should be immediately admitted to a psychiatric hospital before he injures somebody."

Webb was later found belly up in the Thames and a warrant has been issued for Richard's arrest.  "It's been a trying but eventful day," continued Grubber, "We just hope that this case will be solved quickly and although we haven't charged anyone yet, Mr. Richard is being held under the spotlight until further evidence can surface to his innocence, guilt or mental stability."

Tesco Fail To Hit Total Dominance Of UK Economy

by Shaky Parkinson

Your local Tesco.

Tesco shares have today fallen by 15% after the company failed to achieve total dominance of the UK economy in the 14 weeks leading up to January 7th.  The company has stated that it is "Disappointed" with its Christmas trading.

"Things are tough," said a Tesco Spokesmanwoman, "Sales were up by 5% but for some reason we aren't yet in complete control of everything.  We set down targets and these have to be met or Head Office gets funny.  Even after our unbelievable price hikes over the last five years we still missed are predictions.  We've quadrupled the price of our economy value tuna from 19p to 78p and look where that's gotten us.  With the price rises on bread alone you'd expect at least a majority shareholding in the NHS.  We've tried our best and it seems that shopper's would rather go elsewhere.  We're just after a few more pennies.  Every little helps."

Despite having such wildly unreachable goals the figures and targets speak for themselves and far away in a place called 'The Stock Market' there was an unexpected rush to sell as many shares as possible in a bid to save the pennies.

"Pennies make pounds," stated Trader Trench Slick "And pounds buy things.  So if there is even the slightest whiff of losing our pennies we're out.  It starts with a bit of banter around the water cooler and then by lunch everyone is in the loop.  It's concentrated fear and uneasiness, and that is what makes the world go round."

A graph showing not so
good things.

"When you expect to make a trillion pounds and you make a bit less than that it hurts.  It really hurts," continued the Spokesmanwoman, "If this trend keeps up we might only make a few billion pounds in clear profit over the next year and frankly that sounds like a waste of time.  At best we'll see minimal profit growth and I'm starting to think all those companies that are going bust and getting a bit of spare time are on the right track."

Tesco have not been the only company to suffer over the Christmas period.  Home Retail Group who own Argos and Homebase said its like-for-like sales (?) were down and that a sharp rise in home accidents involving nail guns have proven bad for business.

Business Guru Frank Splosh shed some light before commenting on the economy's recent downturn, "People are pricks.  They'd rather sit at home and order a reasonably priced DVD off Amazon and receive excellent customer service instead of trudging into town in the rain to be told by a gormless JJB Sport employee that the trainers they are after 'Could be here somewhere'.  Frankly I find the whole matter deplorable."

Either way the recession has officially hit businesses hard and although there is still profit to be had it seems the profit is not high enough for some.