by Shaky Parkinson
The body of missing Virgin Media employee Garth Peak has been found on the outskirts of a farm in Shrivenham, a few miles North-East of Swindon. The mutilated and scarred body showed signs of ritual sacrifice and an investigation has been launched against local landowner Lucifer Grant.
In a statement issued earlier this afternoon Wiltshire police claimed, "Lucifer Grant has been taken into custody but has not yet (but with a name like that it's only a matter of time) been charged. We hope Mr. Grant can shed light on how the body of the deceased ended up within yelling distance of his creepy old barn."
"We'll get ourselves."
Mr. Grant has been the subject of a lengthy investigation by Wiltshire Police after he was arrested for brandishing a severed goats head at the local Wimpy's in June. "We kept getting all these calls about a Satanist cult operating out of Shrivenham but we had members of the public to hassle and treated it as a crock of toss like any rational fool," claimed Chief Inspector Department Anthony Prittle (Twice Removed), "After the goats head incident the shit rope unravelled and the whole story kicked off. Orgies, sacrifice, fluids, and that wasn't the best of it. Unfortunately we couldn't get a conviction despite Grant's appearance on the restaurants CCTV camera. It was a blow, but we're hoping that with this body we'll get ourselves a conviction."
The body was found at 7 am when local woman Agatha Hush was out walking her trainers, "It was a shock," she claimed, "I was just getting into my stride when I saw what I thought was Rutger Hauer lying in a bush. Upon closer inspection I recognised the body to be that of Garth Peak but he had symbols etched into his flesh and his face was face gouged in. Quite frankly a terrible business, it doesn't bare talking about."
"But not silent."
Local reaction to the murder has been varied but not silent and with the body being dumped only yards from Swindon's most frequented mini golf course we asked visitors their opinions of the killing.
"Horrendous, vial and downright lacking in any real sense of sinister engagement," fumed Mary Wilson.
"Put me down for a birdy," eagered Martin Hendrick.
"It beats golf," beamed Dennis Winterflop.
"A very upsetting affair," stated Emily Cart, "You would think being a local of fifty-three years would get you an invite but that's people for you, always wrapped up in their own doings."
A warrant was issued to search Mr. Grant's property but nothing extraordinary was found except a collection of over three thousand toasted sandwich makers. "We carried out a thorough search of Mr. Grant's barns and everything seemed in order," continued Inspector Prittle, "But then again I don't know much about barns. Who would've thought they come equipped with ritualistic paraphernalia and stained altars. It's amazing what you learn in this line of work."
"I was eager to expand."
In a statement released after a lunch of disappointing sandwiches and weak tea Mr. Grant's lawyer spoke on behalf of his client saying, "It is true that I knew the deceased. He visited my home over a month ago to inspect my recently installed cabling. WHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Upon learning him to be a virgin with only the purist incentives and offerings I was eager to expanded our meeting into a friendship but alas Mr. Peak's death beheaded that prospect rather swiftly. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY BUNG AND HIS BENEVOLENT CHAOS!!!"
He continued, "MWHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Grant remains in custody but Police have stated that he is co-operating and his deepest compliments go out to Mr. Peak's family and newborns.
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| Surveillance photo of Grant's property. |
In a statement issued earlier this afternoon Wiltshire police claimed, "Lucifer Grant has been taken into custody but has not yet (but with a name like that it's only a matter of time) been charged. We hope Mr. Grant can shed light on how the body of the deceased ended up within yelling distance of his creepy old barn."
"We'll get ourselves."
 |
| Garth Peak |
The body was found at 7 am when local woman Agatha Hush was out walking her trainers, "It was a shock," she claimed, "I was just getting into my stride when I saw what I thought was Rutger Hauer lying in a bush. Upon closer inspection I recognised the body to be that of Garth Peak but he had symbols etched into his flesh and his face was face gouged in. Quite frankly a terrible business, it doesn't bare talking about."
"But not silent."
Local reaction to the murder has been varied but not silent and with the body being dumped only yards from Swindon's most frequented mini golf course we asked visitors their opinions of the killing.
 |
| Shrivenham Mini-Golf Course. |
"Put me down for a birdy," eagered Martin Hendrick.
"It beats golf," beamed Dennis Winterflop.
"A very upsetting affair," stated Emily Cart, "You would think being a local of fifty-three years would get you an invite but that's people for you, always wrapped up in their own doings."
A warrant was issued to search Mr. Grant's property but nothing extraordinary was found except a collection of over three thousand toasted sandwich makers. "We carried out a thorough search of Mr. Grant's barns and everything seemed in order," continued Inspector Prittle, "But then again I don't know much about barns. Who would've thought they come equipped with ritualistic paraphernalia and stained altars. It's amazing what you learn in this line of work."
"I was eager to expand."
In a statement released after a lunch of disappointing sandwiches and weak tea Mr. Grant's lawyer spoke on behalf of his client saying, "It is true that I knew the deceased. He visited my home over a month ago to inspect my recently installed cabling. WHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Upon learning him to be a virgin with only the purist incentives and offerings I was eager to expanded our meeting into a friendship but alas Mr. Peak's death beheaded that prospect rather swiftly. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY BUNG AND HIS BENEVOLENT CHAOS!!!"
He continued, "MWHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Grant remains in custody but Police have stated that he is co-operating and his deepest compliments go out to Mr. Peak's family and newborns.
