London 2012 Logo Finally Deciphered

Local mini cab driver Abdul Shabesh will go down in history today as being the first man to decipher the London 2012 Olympic Logo.  When an unmarked envelope arrived at Wolff Olins brand consultancy in May 2007 the enclosed illustration was seen as a solution to deadline problems and creative blockage and has since caused global speculation as to its true origin.

While catching up on some 'me' time it seems Mr. Shabesh accidentally stumbled upon the answer to the enigma that has had the entire globe confused and angry.  "I was sat in the taxi rank outside Paddington waiting for the Saturday night dregs to puke themselves onto the street when I looked down at the sports section and saw it staring back at me," he claimed at a press conference earlier this afternoon, "Once I'd seen it the pieces clicked together to read '2012'.  I was shocked but if you look really really really really hard you'll just about be able to see it."

"Someone cracked."

Shabesh's discovery has instantly sent ripples through the academic world landing many intuitions in hot water, notably Keble College's Dr. Anthony Plank who has come under strong criticism after his fifty million pound study into the logo was made instantly redundant by Shabesh and his broken mini cab tail light.  "He got lucky," blagged Plank, "The foundations were well in place and it was only a matter of time before someone cracked the Olympic Code."

Conspiracy Theorists were unhappy.  John Crunge of information network S.P.O.C.K (Silent Persons Of Credible ilK) was quick to denounce Shabesh and his findings, "This is clearly a cover up by the IOC.  Are we seriously to believe that a West London mini cab driver is cleverer than the boffins at every university on the planet?  This whole 2012 excuse is flawed at best.  The logo resembles something far more abstract and confusing than a few numbers, and once the truth is revealed the world will quake beneath its own feet."

Shabesh's epiphany stop.

Shabesh's discovery hit the world in more ways than one when a public information leaflet explaining his discovery quickly became the nations best seller and histories most sort after pamphlet.  The literary world was also eager to tap Shabesh's celebrity status as Dan Brown emerged with a statement claiming that Shabesh will be helping him co-write the next Robert Langdon outing entitled 'Oi Limp 'Ere'.  "The book will be set in the historical East End of London," claimed Brown, "The plot will follow Langdon as he navigates the shallow depths of the Docklands Light Railway in search of a mystical cult called the Olympian's after one of its members kills a good friend of his only minutes before he is due to give a seminar in nearby King's College.  It's gonna be lucrative."

"Filthy image."

Despite wide spread shock and adulation there has been much discontent levelled at Shabesh and his logo.  "I've had to see this filthy image everyday for years and it's still a pile of shite," cited commoner Joe Bloggs, "Now that the truth is out I'm even angrier.  This Shabesh chappy should have kept his mouth shut.  We're already running 100% over budget at $28billion so I didn't really need to know that this £400,000 logo wasn't a secret code to hidden treasure gifted to us by aliens but a snatch and grab by a greasy consultancy firm.  At least you could ignore the magic, but this is hideous."

Whatever the response, ticket sales and anticipation for this months games are as misguided as ever with extended gasps of excitement being heard throughout the city in the run up to the opening ceremony on 27th July.

New Weather Controlling App Prone To Glitches

by Shaky Parkinson

Last week saw the release of the Apple Store's long awaited Weather App.  Users of the app are given complete control of their surrounding environment through a user friendly interface.  Despite huge success the new app has come fully equipped with numerous glitches that have left authorities and meteorologists inundated with reports of bizarre weather patterns and shocking incidents.

The problems were first noted minutes after the app went live with several freak hurricanes instantly hitting Hull town centre while further north the Outer Hebrides experienced soaring temperatures that were completely uncharacteristic of the spring months.

"I'd forgotten what it felt like."

"It's a bloody marvel," claimed tweed worker Angus McMac, "What with the rising ferry costs I've been stuck on this fucking island for almost a decade and I've had to endure storms the likes of which most people can only imagine, but this new app has changed all that.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to be warm."

Other users haven't been so lucky with Skye receiving mixed blessings when their Internet connection was lost after their plans for an early summer burnt through the islands telephone cables.  "It could be months before it's fixed," claimed a BT Engineer, "There's over fifty meters of cabling that needs checking as well as parts and some other stuff.  They'll just have to live without the weather for a few months."

Touch screen interface lets you
swirl up your own typhoons.

"It's outrageous," claimed Dunvegan resident Duff McAngus, "We can't go without this new app.  It's been with us too long to switch back to past times, we cannot cope.  It isn't natural."

"Overground trains have become common place."

Problems have been reported from around the globe.  The epicentres of which are dense urban areas such as Hong Kong, Tokyo and London.  Reports of mass drownings on Japanese overground trains have become common place and on street glitching has lead to several deaths in the British Capital alone.

"It was horrific," claimed bystander Joe Bloggs, "You could see it happening but it was too late to change it.  These two business woman were strolling down Tottenham Court Road with their faces buried in their iPhones surrounded by a refreshing breeze, when they collided causing a miniature hurricane that took out three historic buildings, eighteen pedestrians and the new underground development.  There were body parts everywhere and the whole place was in chaos.  It makes you think doesn't it?"

The Northwest Territories were witness to freak bouts of weather upsets that saw rain, sleet, fog, sunshine, frogs, snow and tropical thunderstorms afflicting many towns in a matter of minutes.

Chaos in Manhatten after people
rally against a hose pipe ban.

"Nature just can't handle this sort of usage," cited Meteorologist David Wind, "If people can't use their powers for the greater good then we are as good as fucked.  We advise anyone who has absolutely no trust in smart-phones or their users to flee into the hills as quickly as possible."

"Patio furniture might be selling."

Industry has been the hardest hit with farmer's claiming massive crop yields and simultaneous harvest failures over many fields while the travel and holiday industry have been virtually wiped out overnight.  "No one is travelling abroad right now because they are bringing the weather to their gardens.  Patio furniture might be selling through the roof but we have been forced to rely on fascinated Japanese tourists just to get us through the week.  It's a hard time."

Downtown Coventry.

The problems afflicting the nation have also been seen on the digital arena with a hacker alert already in place when the online games' software was hit by a spam virus that caused penis enlargement letters to rain in volumes across the world, thus heavily stretching local recycling pick-ups that were forced to recruit from travel agencies to clear the debris.

The app's developers FLEECE inc. were unavailable for comment as they were snowed in to their Dubai offices but petitions have been flooding into Downing Street to ban the application for mass personal usage to be replaced with a time share system that would see only minimal weather fluctuations and curb any further unnatural abuse.