NASA Declares War On Martians

by Shaky Parkinson

Crispin as seen through the
eyes of his killer.

After successfully launching from Earth and landing on Mars, NASA's Curiosity is now ready to bring out the big guns and get cracking on America's conquest of the Universe.  Being the first armed space rover to leave our planet Curiosity is being haled as the next step in ridding the universe of anything scary so that future generations may live and work in the solar system without fear.

"Bastards had begun mobilising their forces."

The mission was prioritised after a menacing rock was found on the surface of Mars that proved too unsettling for Mission Control to simply pass over.  "We are the leaders in space exploration," claimed Mission Controller Shuda Resurched, "And the world looks to us to defend them against Space Godzillas, Fruit Martians and all the unknown life forms we haven't yet named.  So when we saw that the Rock Bastards had begun mobilising their forces we set our own defence procedures into action."

The 7cm rock, dubbed Crispin by activists, is being labelled as an outpost sentry guarding the Bastards central base at the Glenelg Junction.  "We got lucky," continued Resurched, "N165 is just your common basalt range fighter and shouldn't give us much trouble, if we'd have landed closer to Glenelg then the people of Amsterdam would be suffering a stoning like they've never known.  Our plan now is to gather our forces and head East right into the heart of the Bastards stronghold."

"Laser our world."

Location of enemy mound.

Without the creation of the ChemCam Death Laser our world would surely be in peril.  "My baby is a Martian's worst nightmare," claimed ChemCam inventor Chance Cholera, "For just five one-billionths of a second my beam fires over a million watts of pure destruction into heart of the enemy fighters while the resultant sparks give us a clear indication as to their defences and geological make-up.  Their death will turn what we think might be rivers into scree."

With uncertainty on the horizon Rock Activists were quick to get out the tents and strum Westminster.  "There is no evidence to say that Crispin is a threat or danger to our kind!  The guise of science and politics and money and oil and stuff are going to bring us into a conflict we don't want and cannot prove!  If Crispin is killed innocent alien life and habitats will be extinguished!  These bastards wouldn't put a hammer through their patios so why start a war?  He's just an innocent 48% silicon dioxide with percent amounts of magnesium, calcium, sodium, iron and potassium oxides for God's sake, what has he done to deserve this??? Why won't these bastards think of the children and not least the wave of weak comedy stand-ups that will arise in the wake of this sick vendetta???  WHY?!?!?"

Breakdown of Curiosity's
weaponry.

"Will is completely justified."

Resurched was quick to respond to any misgivings claiming, "This war that hasn't happened yet but probably will is completely justified.  We have paper and pens and all manner of stationary that points to yes.  These Rock Bastards don't have feelings and it's up to the American Space programme to get the funding it needs to wipe these Bastards off the face of the Mars."

Recent reports indicate that despite an impromptu rock concert hosted by Brain May and Paul McCartney the fate of Crispin is sealed with Curiosity to kill the cat at 1900hrs Greenwich space-time.

"It could be anywhere," says Man from Crater

by Shaky Parkinson

No wreckage has yet been found of NASA's UARS satellite that crashed into the earth earlier today.  "See, we were right," claimed Mark Matney, NASA's orbital debris scientist, "It all burnt up in the atmosphere and the rest sort of landed in the sea."

It seems reports have been flooding in from disappointed people across the United States who were looking forward to a bit of sad excitement.

"This is bullshit," stated Marge Printpress, "When someone states a satellite is going to crash land you expect someone to get hurt and we didn't even see a stubbed toe."

"Like the rest of us I was setting my sights on a spectacular 'I told you so', and now I'm really bored," whinged Donny Poppins of Seattle.

NASA has commented by saying, "We told you this was going to happen. You little shits just wanted us to fuck up something else so you'd have another thing to bitch about.  Well fuck you!"

"Don't believe them," cited conspiracy theorist and warlock Timmy Knowles, "We already have amateur footage of what appears to be lasers shooting something out of the sky at the exact moment of re-entry.  And if you fiddle with some numbers it conclusively proves that the lasers must have come from Cape Kennedy."

"No they didn't," butted in Matney.

"Well what do you make of the huge crater situated outside Boise where there is a supposed Man saying, 'It could be anywhere?" countered Timmy.

"We have proof that this report is nothing more than a drummed up hoax being circulated by a fool on his third-rate satirical news blog," replied Matney.

Timmy then responded with, "We know there is a cover up of something or someone or maybe even a thing that is of a thing that has weird parts stuck on it.  Whatever it is we aren't being told about it is being covered up."

"Of course we don't tell you everything moron," thundered Matney, "You cannot be privy to all the information you desire on a whim.  If you want to enlist in the NASA training program and work for the knowledge then be my guest.  For example, do you really believe that the ring of sincerity prevailing within the retail sector is a true depiction of honesty?  No.  We didn't screw up and no one got hurt so suck it."

Luckily no one was hurt in the crash but it is hoped that a body or a dead family pet will materialise soon.  Still as time goes on the chances of finding anyone dead are getting slimmer and slimmer.