99% Of Accidents Caused By People That Aren't You

by Shaky Parkinson

A new survey, christened the Falworth Paper has been released by statisticians at Manchester and Doncaster Experimental Union Polytechnic (MADE UP) claiming that 99% of all personal accidents are brought about by the interference of others.  The survey tracked the lives of over ten people to determine whether their accidents were the direct result of self-bumbling or bastard external forces.

"The results were as you can guess, shocking," claimed survey leader Malcolm Flunk, "They were also enlightening, gratifying and financially justifying.  We all drop things.  A knife, a fork.  A fresh pot of Earl Grey over our child's palms.  These incidents are what we refer to as the 1%.  The inevitable upsets that come with being a human being.  The danger arises when the proximity between human beings increases."

"My house did the skirting boards himself."

He continued, "Like most, I am a person of reasonable mental facilities but am unable to predict exactly where and when a pedestrian will throw themselves onto the bonnet of my car, if the person standing behind me at the chippie is the mass murderer I've been hearing about, or whether the previous owner of my house did the skirting boards himself or called in someone he'd seen on Rogue Traders.  It's a sick and horrific world."

"We found that accidents within high population densities were so frequent that hospitals were up to thirty times more numerous with schools of a certain size also assigned dedicated medical practitioners to cope with the influx of injuries.  It was a stomach churning discovery to make when you live in East Finchley."

Flunk and his team discovered a range of injuries the general public have been inflicting upon each other ranging into the millions with low hanging party streamers, loose fruit peelings and coffee burns topping the poll of daily assaults.

"Vast consumption of strawberries."

News footage from Hedgington
Park annual cricket match.

The survey was commissioned by Lord Falworth of nearby Hedgington Park after a nasty run in with a thug at the annual village cricket match, "This blighter comes slopping onto the pitch, mouth frothing from a vast consumption of strawberries, cream and cheap ale.  He proceeded to snatch my umbrella swing it around maniacally and dent the side of my bowler.  It was a truly horrific and humiliating experience.  Luckily the man is still in Broadmoor but is that really punishment?  This new survey will hopefully cap the lid on stupidity and instill a sensible amount of reclusiveness in us all."

Conspiracy theorists were keen to syndicate a press release stating their ideological position but due to a lack of attention were only able to share a quick comment, "It is clear that the Falworth Paper exposes the truth we have long been claiming.  That Elastoplast is leading the world's medical institutions in a cover-up of sensitive material that will once and for all illustrate the human races lack of hand eye co-ordination, vast stupidity and carelessness in a bid to further plaster sales."

Health and Safety official Gwent Stamp (male) was one of many civil servants to come out in favour of the Falworth Paper, "This is a significant day for Health and Safety.  By isolating the countries masses we will bring about a nation completely devoid of blame and without blame the world will be entirely safe and healthy."

"Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone."

"It wasn't until the experiment started that we became aware of the potential hazards around us," sobbed survey participant Deadrie Parks, "At first we thought that everything was all right.  Then as the weeks went by we soon realised that there were people everywhere, in the street, behind the counter at Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone.  I had to put the children first so we upped sticks and moved to the Isle of Man where we were assured there weren't any people."

Heysham sands.

Flunk's theory of extreme hermitism has been suggested as the only cure for 'Other People' but as he later claimed, "Even in the case of Mrs. Parks the separation wasn't tough enough and although well meaning her desire to protect her children blinded her to the rising tides and shifting sands off Heysham in what proved a fatal dash for the ferry.  Humanity cannot be cured, but solitary hermitism is the only sure fire way of lowering potential injury, death and maiming to within an acceptable 1% level."

A meeting of top medical officials, theorists and hangers on will take place at King's College London later this week, where the practical applications of the paper will be discussed at length until tea time.

Local Radio Finally Deemed Useless

by Shaky Parkinson

The BBC have announced they plan to cut all funding to local radio after an internal report has dubbed it "Useless".  It is thought that abolishing local radio could be the saviour to the BBC's lavish spending.

"We're in a state," claimed Director General George Entwistle, "What with Doctor Who, excessive waste and my new bathroom to pay for we just cannot rely on the License Fee anymore.  We need more cash and it seems axing local radio is a sure fire way to unsure we can fund another series of Strictly Come Dancing."

The report delved deeply into the BBC's biggest expenditures and when crossed referenced with a second report into the corporation's most boring and expendable assets, local radio came out as the largest target.

"Everyone will agree."

"We've always known it's utterly pants," continued Entwistle, "Deep down I think everyone will agree.  Crop formations in Norwich, swimming pool closures in Lincoln, is this really what people want?  Is it bollocks, it is what cynical dullards want, normal morons want another series of The Voice and we're going to give it to them."

Backlash was swift and unobtrusive with numerous walkouts going unnoticed across the North East.  "We are a highly valued and loved broadcast," claimed Damphrey Spludge of weekly Doncaster gardening program Tickhill Tilling, "We have a ten strong fan base and the BBC should not be so quick to dismiss them."

"Think of the children?" cited Lemington mother Carly Clump, "How am I supposed to know if my daughter's school is closed during the winter? I doubt the coverage will be as comprehensive if the job goes national."

"Thumbs down Benny's Bottom."

Ben Bennington was quick to voice his outrage with a morning moan on his Swindon based radio show Benny's Breakfast Burp.  "The people need us, the people love us and you can be sure as ship that I'm not going back to hospital radio after this.  I'm making a real difference.  We cannot compete with mass genocide and global recession but the Wiltshire Downs can yield their fair share of air rescue stories.  These cuts get a thumbs down Benny's Bottom of ten."

Many organisations have protested the cuts such as Mickey Rourke (No not that Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler one) of former secret society D.E.A.T.H. (Dude's Expecting A Tenth Hell), "Entwistle has no idea about the potential disaster he is unleashing onto our streets.  With local radio gone these Deejays will be let loose on hospitals, street corners and low-rent social clubs and who knows what chaos they will unleash.  THE WAR IS COMING!!!"

Commercial radio stations such as Oxfordshire's Jack FM were quick to be praised for their superior content.  "Thank fuck someone has finally levelled some budget cuts their way," they commented, "It makes you sick to see over funded and over produced shows put together sub-standard output. It might make competition easier with them gone but it doesn't fill anyone with enthusiasm for the medium.  Here at Jack we give people apposite output that they will enjoy.  The general public don't want stories about sheep farming they want Phil Collins and Duran Duran."

"Local radio is a thing of the past," concluded Entwistle, "In this climate of streamlining and recession there is no place for rubbish except on our flagship channels."