Laptops Possibly Damage Sperm

by Shaky Parkinson

Scientists have today claimed that any exposure to laptops will have a significant effect on Men's sperm.  It is suggested that after only four hours of contact to a miniature computer there is a significant increase in the amount of detrimental activity to the sperm.

"This isn't fact," stated scientist, Carl Ponders, "We're just questioning the idea.  We've also tried clamps, footballs and badly co-ordinated offspring and the results have all proven to have a great impact on the male reproductive organs.  So the results are pretty much open to interpretation but we reckon we're right.  Plus we have to look to be doing something."

Scientists were vague as to which element of the laptop was the cause of the activity but it is assumed that it has something to do with the Wi-Fi access enjoyed by the devices.  With every square inch of the globe being covered with wireless Internet it seems Men are at greater risk from dying sperm.

"It could well be the Wi-Fi," commented Ponders, "It could also be the sitting position, the batteries or simply an increase in the amount of flip case induced injuries.  It's really all factual speculation."

"I'm hugely worried about the effects global Internet access and portable computers will have on my willy and gubbins," claimed concerned laptop user, Jason Cummings, "I spend 27 hours a day on my computer and I'm not that good with the ladies.  This could mean a new career change for a lot of people."

"It's all bollocks," chuckled laptop enthusiast Danny Strokes, "Having a laptop isn't damaging my sperm, just my screen, am I right?  I use my laptop all day every day, even while I'm shitting and I can assure you it has no negative effects on my sperm, although the repetitive usage can cause arm ache.  Regardless of any scientific studies, being able to lounge on a settee ten feet from my desktop PC is sweeter than Jesus and just like my laptop I'm buzzin' like a bee after a blow job."

The studies will be furthered at length until the year 2015 by which time the conclusions will be irrelevant, outdated and absolutely no use to the general public.

Jamie Oliver Enjoys Waffling

by Shaky Parkinson

In the same week that Britain's females have been labelled the 'Fattest' in Europe, Jamie Oliver is hard at work attacking the Government for its alleged breaches of nutritional law in schools.  The Chef has claimed that because new Academies are exempt from the law the Government is letting fast food back onto the menu and eroding all the hard work he has done to make school meals healthier.

"I'll be blunt," claimed Educational Secretary Michael Gove, "Children don't want to eat salad nicoise.  In fact most people don't want to eat salad.  I was stumbling back from the pub the other night and I didn't see a single salad bar open beyond 9pm.  It's a bloody disgrace.  Stop blaming the Government for people's taste buds.  I grew up on fish fingers and I turned out okay.  Those little buggers are grand, all they need to do is hit the park once in a while and not be pampered with Blackberry's at age seven and things will soon right themselves."

"We don't want vegetables," claimed 7TC at Littlewhitton Secondary School in Buckinghamshire, "It doesn't matter how they are cooked they still taste like shit until they are covered in butter and salt.  We'll stretch to some roast potatoes but the difference between them and chips is pretty marginal.  All we want is to sit down for an hour each day and forget the fact we are caged up in this shitty prison and scoff down some pizza and ice cream and Mr. Gove is doing all he can to cater for us.  You see what I did there?"

"Mr. Gove is eroding the laws that we set down over seven years ago.  That was a pukka bit of work for anyone and now he is undermining it.  I love the idea of letting schools do what they want but not if it means making me upset," wept Oliver.

"I can see why Mr. Oliver is downtrodden," claimed Michael Gove, "But try being a minister for a fortnight, I've got to bow to public demand and the demand is gristle.  You can't say schools can do what they want except this, this and this because it makes a mockery of trust.   I like Jamie Oliver, his food is excellent and his portions correctly sized but why doesn't he just drop this damn crusade of his.  He is the only person that wants it.  All schools usually offer healthy menu options and if anyone was that unhappy with their canteen they'd bring a fucking packed lunch.  He's still got two thirds of the country under his grasp, that's better than a kick in the teeth or a seat in Parliament.  We're broke and I'll say it again, fat or stupid, he's made his choice I've made mine, nuff said."

Recent observations have proven that today's pampered youth are only interested in drinking, video games and KFC Mini Fillet's and that alongside their parents are being pushed into a podgy adulthood from an early age.  Unless social mentality changes the Greggs' lunchtime rush will soon become ingrained tradition.

McCann's Cheat On The Press

by Shaky Parkinson

In a press conference today the McCann's have admitted to cheating on the Press.  "It's true," claimed Gerry, "There's been tension for a while and we've been feeling ignored and unwanted for sometime and things sort of happened."

"It was exciting," claimed Kate, "The thrill of the limelight again is too alluring.  The Press will always be important to us but our heart lies elsewhere and it is time to move on and start a new life."

The Press is unavailable for comment but friends say it is devastated by events.  "The Press gave the McCann's the best years of its life," claimed close friends Woman's Weekly, "It makes you sick thinking about how the Press has been treated.  It feels used and dirty."

Bloomsbury Publishing was also quick to defend its colleague, "All the Press wanted to do was help those poor people into the public eye.  They'd be nothing without the Press and now things have gone bad they've just jumped ship and left them holding the blame.  The McCann's are despicable."

"I saw it coming," claimed the McCann's Ex, "They're users and attention seekers.  They've done well for themselves but at what cost to the Press?  I cannot blame the Press, it was in love and fell for the McCann's hard.  They don't even realise the sacrifices it has made for them.  Think of all the thousands of missing children that stayed so because of the Press's commitment to finding Maddie.   Personally I think it was just a ruse to get them into bed, I don't think they ever really loved the Press they just used it."

Although taking the break-up badly the Press has been seen out and about with friends trying to repair the damage done by recent events.  "We'd like to apologise," claimed the McCann's, "But we can't.  We were driven away, first the Press was too clingy and then too distant, we didn't sign up for this.  We just wanted to find our daughter and make a few million on the side.  This is hard for us but we aren't too blame."

Catching To Be Made Into Mandatory Exam

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid for recognition the pretentious world of sport has deemed fit to fuel its ego by proposing the addition of more tests to the national curriculum.  The patronising souls behind such wonders as the Olympic 2012 games and other such unavoidable catastrophes have set their sights on schools in a bid to push mandatory Physical Education tests upon the nation's youth.

Sports Medicine Specialist (?) Dr Andy Franklyn-Miller has whinged, "No one likes us.  If we made PE tests mandatory in schools it would mean that more children would spend their time doing circuit training instead of all that learning bullshit they do at the other end of the building.  Sport is important and must be made mandatory for all students.  It is the failing of the national curriculum that children are getting fat and if people would just listen to us we could change all that."

In response the National Curriculum stated, "That is all well and good but I'd rather have a bunch of tubby youths running around instead of a bunch of stupid ones.  The fat ones might be unable to leave an armchair but they'll damn well know how too.  If you damn PE teachers would just stop bitching for attention and tried to make PE even the remotest bit enjoyable maybe we'd be open to compromise, but these proposals are stupid, much like our current youth population who need more in the way of learning than they do bad experiences.  More tests would just back fire."

Little Tommy Pity has already
lost ten stone by lifting
plastic rods.

"I think it is absurd," claimed Headmaster Richard Head, "We've already blown the entire years budget on invigilators and laptops.  Our texts books only run up to the year 1988 and the history department has to repeatedly show the pupils the ceiling asbestos as an illustration of modern building controversy because they haven't any other educational materials.  It's a mess, I don't want anymore fucking exams.  We gave them GCSE PE what more credibility do they want.  I blame the parents, pushing their children into such a needless and irritating profession."

Amongst the proposed tests will be activities such as walking, running, squats and being able to put down an Xbox controller.  There are also plans to add throwing, catching and other numerous abilities into the range of exams.

"These tests will be important," claimed PE Teacher Donald Rugby, "We want to stop children getting fat so we are going to distance them from exercise by instilling an even deeper sense of boredom into the subject.  We want PE to be on par with that of Maths and Reading.  We cannot call it English because we have progressed far beyond that but I still think PE is just as important.  If a child picks up a cheeseburger incorrectly they are opening themselves up to potential wrist sprains and injuries.  We're here to help and that is why we need more power and more people to listen to us."

"I've got enough tests," sighed one Pupil, "We haven't done any studying yet because we have to sit so many exams.  I'm in year 10 and I'm still working on my nouns.  PE doesn't even count.  All the PE teacher's at our school are rubbish.  They send us out into the cold to play rugby without showing us the rules and stay inside drinking tea and being angry.  I blame the parents."

It is thought that the slogans 'Stop being fat fatty' and 'It only takes one cheeseburger' have been put forward as possible taglines for the upcoming bid for recognition but with the nations unified dislike for PE teachers running at a constant level of twat it is this reporter's opinion that being a child is going to become a little less interesting.  These really aren't the golden years of your life and if these exams go ahead the sheen will certainly be gone forever.

Inebriated News Guff Editor Cannot operate Keyboard

by Shaky Parkinson (That's me bitches)

Archive image

Journalist and all round arse Shaky P has expectantly delved the depths of online depravity to d o something.  Bad intro wait.  After a night out with the star (Banter, this, baby( renowned fool Shaky Parkinson has managed to successfully get himself home to write this article.

After an all attack with the sniffer dogs and the mongs at the nobgoblin in which the EDitor in Cheif suffered numerous blows to his sobreity and expectations of humanity he was let loose on the public to sigh and mourn their loss as a species.

When asked for a comment I had this to say, "When the wind blows and the moon tides, let peace be your symbol and this staement be your fool. "

Asked to elaborate I was forced to come up with, "The darkness reigned, in the forest deep where the wolves cry of sadness and th e thoughts of the groove can be marred with bad intention and why the fuck am I listneing to the Gloomy Galleon theme from Donkey Kong 64.  Eerie stuff.  ON THIS DAY BEHOLD.  FOR BEHOLDING IS PROBABLY A WORTHWHILE BUSINESS AND SUCH.  The caps lock was intentional."

Archive image, camera was buried
underdeath tv so make do

It seems the perveyor of wit has come up trumps and forgotten any such witty dialogue as his once active imagination was able to prcess.  He is now left with tiredness, shame and confusion, although a spellcheck free article is a blessing in disguise.  The fake glasses and moustache aren't fooling anybody.

"I'm sure this coul've been better," shrieked Shakiy from within his own subdued concious, "This joke is good but the execution is pants," he typed, "Stop fucking things up hands, make with the funny and all that."

It is thought that although crtical (my god this spelling might cost me the whole joke (and yes I've had to change a fair bit))SHaky will rapidly recover after a bit of nap and some good thiking, although it is this reporters opinion that upon rereading this mound of shite the lack of coherent thought and correct spelling will cause him much aggrivation.  Let's hope this joke is readable.

Youth Not To Blame For Youth Unemployment

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's attacks on the government were leveled squarely at the failing economy that isn't failing but just slow and the fact that youth unemployment rose to over a million.  It seems a pampered and spoilt generation of youngsters are finding it difficult to muster up the strength to look for work.

"It's shit right," claimed one Claimant, "The government is all full of rich tossers and I can't even afford the latest Call of Duty game.  There's jobs out there man but that's not right, I wanna be rich and all that but I ain't serving coffee or nuffin'."

"He's right, jobs start way to early, I can't handle it," agreed his Friend, "Scanning barcodes and puttin' change in a till is just beyond me, they don't teach you anything useful at school man.  I'm not qualified to be intelligent."

The Office For National Statistics said the job rate hit 8.3%, which was more than it had been at some point previous to that.  People in the North East were getting screwed more than them in the South East.  The unemployment rate is the highest since 1996 with the total number of unemployed being the highest since 1994.  The number of woman out of work jumped from 49,000 to 1.9million that was the highest since 1988 and the number of people in work was down on the quarter by 197,000.  "It's a mess," stated Employment Minister Chris Grayling.

"I've looked over the statistics and frankly I'm shitting my pants.  They've got graphs, pie charts and all sorts, it's not looking hot.  Let's face it, the ONS have dropped the ball on occasion with their percentage of babies being named after David Beckham survey being woefully incorrect but even I can tell this looks bad.  People are yelling and there's a lot of whinging going on and frankly that usually spells disaster for someone and looking around it could be me."

Local drug circulator Dennis Fartbum spoke out about his outrage at the situation, "It's outrageous, those poor young kiddies, not being able to work.  It breaks your heart.  How are they going to keep up with their Ford Fiesta payments on job seekers?  And what with the booze and fag taxes going up what sort of example are we setting?  A bad one I think you'll agree."

Not agreeing was Shopkeeper Laura Elle, "I sell flowers.  Young people don't know what flowers are.  Therefore employing them would be a mistake.  I'll speak honestly.  I don't want some glue sniffing ill-mannered moron ruining my business when I can employ someone older and a little bit smarter.  I tried running a work experience placement to get some of the kids into the feel of things but I left one of them with a few telephone orders and he got confused when I told him it couldn't do a text.  They have no one to blame but themselves."

It is the thought the population increase is to blame with a higher proportion of idiots coming out strong during mating season.  "It's the ugly ones that breed," claimed Social Expert Doug Ross, "When you've got nothing to lose there is no expectation and a sheer willingness to procreate.  All the pretty people are so stuck up their own egos they haven't the time to have babies.  It's all very sad.  This trend towards idiocy could well bring about an end to our current civilization.  By my reckoning we'll be fucked into Armageddon by 2017."

"They're not all bad," stuck up Ed Miliband, "The Youth have just been misunderstood, it isn't their fault, it's the Tories.  They've done something bad and look at the results."

"There are a few good ones out there," continued Ross, "I can name at least thirty good young people.  If the ONS are correct and my trust is still shaky after that Apocalypse 2010 debacle then there maybe more.  It is just easier to spot the useless ones."

As the debate rages through Parliament and Cameron musters up the strength to live through another day, questions are still being asked as to why he has failed the youth of yesterday and today and tomorrow.

Staff Memo: News Guff Annual Winter Picnic

Dear Staff,

Thanks for coming out to the Staff do, it was one of the best we've had.  I'm not sure the Foie Gras Trifle was necessary Robbins but the thought was much appreciated even if the response was highly insincere.  Sorry about the barbecue but once it got going the steel frame did heat up well and really lent itself to some good cooking and that home made Brandy you brought acted as cracking lighter fuel Jack.

It's a shame the weather wasn't better but once the sun went in things did pick up as you well know what with being there and all.  I have to say that Mr. Collins was an absolute delight and I'm sure he'll make you very happy Jack.  And you were right, he does look like Richard Bacon, it is always good to find an account with a bit of humour.

Enough of that, the main reason for the memo is to give you a quick run down of the damages to the park.  It comes out at an even three grand so I thought we'd go quids in and split it between the three of us.  Although being the main perpetrator of the vandalism I am happy to cover a larger share what with it being subscription month.  I'm sure the News Guff Meerkat is dead by now what with Robbins' contribution to the Lion conservation fund but I just don't have the heart to send back the monthly brochures.

I babble, the damages are as follows:

- One picnic table (Clearly a joint effort).
- Three Dutch Elms (Pricy fuel but incredibly effective).
- One floral display (Although are rearrangement was far superior if I do say so myself).
- A further Dutch Elm (Less said about that the better).
- One Warden's hut (I'll query that one).
- A set of playground swings (Kudos on the 1080).
- Five to thirty bottles of lighter fuel (I lost count).
- Seventeen vacuum cleaners.
- One Vacuum shop manager (We get billed if he isn't found by the seventeenth).
- Two police horses.
- A ceremonial Gavel from the Pickerton wine tasting society.
- A further two Dutch Elms (I get the impression they were following us).
- A replacement pair of flip flops (I have no recollection of the suggestion to attempt the tidal crossing so we're all chipping in).
- A further two Dutch Elms (The more said about that the better).
- Two sets of post-its, one stationary cupboard and a set of unbreakable pens.
- One complete set of patio chairs.
- The front gate of 47 Williamson Drive (I know he deserves it but the bugger is a Judge).
- And three snazzy bakers aprons from the Gregg's factory (They cannot actually prove this one and if we are all in favour of installing them as our official uniform then enough said)

I think that covers it.  I'll take the limo costs out of the petty cash and look forward to seeing you for the Christmas Bash next June.

Champion

Shaky

Campsite Ruined By Mongs

by Shaky Parkinson

St. Paul's new campsite has proven a huge failure with the intended space being taken over by a rabble of mongs.  The campsite was opened a few weeks ago under a new scheme proposed by the Church of England but was quickly over run with smelly beer swigging hippies before the end of the first day.

"I was horrified when we arrived," claimed Tommy Booker, a cash and carry accountant, "I'd booked three nights for me and the family but when we showed up our space had been filled by a half naked drunk man spouting out incorrect political filth.  I've brought up the children with a fairly open mind but the sight of a grown man spitting out the failings of democracy that have been working well for over a thousand years is just too much.  We didn't hang around and I'm disgraced that these fools are aloud outside.  Maybe if we took away the freedom they seem to hate so much we could get away with a bit of state governed killing.  If I want to see stupidity I'll go in there," he fumed pointing to the Cathedral.

Vaguely put.

News Guff tried to track down the leader of the faceless mess but was unable to track down a single soul willing to take responsibility for the protest and our researchers were stumped when they tried to contact the organisation online.

Fortunately we ran into one Protestor who was willing to give us his views on the demonstration. "We're here for the working man," he whinged, "All the politicians have the money and that is wrong, we want some.  Things aren't equal and we want things equal.  Sort of like Communism but like Democracy.  We want equality but as long as everything stays the same right.  It's what we're all about."

When we interviewed a second passionate Fool he had this to say, "If those cunts want a peaceful protest we'll give them one.  This is a free campsite, I'll sleep where I fucking want.  At least I'm not in their bumming God and kids and stuff, what I'm doing is totally rad and cool and you can't arrest us cos' we checked."

Two non-violent protestors
sporting anonymous anarchistic face
masks.

"We never thought things would turn out like this," sighed the Rt Revd. Graeme Knowles, "It was all meant to be taken in good faith but I'm walking around the Cathedral and I'm knee deep in Subway wrappers and shit.  That's not the type of set-up we were aiming for.  We tried being forgiving and people said we were weak, then we decided to get tough and we were being pricks.  Maybe a free Church of England campsite was a silly idea?  Who cares, I'm quitting, there's no way I'm cleaning up this mess."

It is now thought the campsite will stay as it is until the squatters get bored or the cameras find a new focus for attention.  "We don't want another Kowloon Walled City on our hands," claimed David Cameron, "We could always cut off their benefits but that is a risky strategy, these buggers have exploited the weakness's inherent in the Church and Democracy itself, so we may have no other option to turn to Communism and let the Labour Party in.  Shame really, I was doing rather well."

Berlusconi Partied Out

by Shaky Parkinson

Silvio Berlusconi has today announced that he is retiring from politics and stepping down as Prime Minister of Italy.  "I'm exhausted," he claimed from his hot tub, "I've served for too long and I'm partied out.  It's time to step back and let in some new blood.  We should all live by example."

Mr. Berlusconi is Italy's third longest serving Prime Minister with a grand total of nine and a half years service under his belt and at seventy-five has decided to call it quits and lead a quieter life.  "I've been in the partying game for years now and I've seen it all, so I'm going to take my billions of Euros and take it easy.  Just me, thirty hookers and a big mansion in Milan."

He continued, "The government is not like it was in my day.  Things have changed, now it's all recession this and recession that and the whole thing has just left me behind.  I don't feel old, I mean look at me, but I just don't understand these new ways.  It's all a mystery."

"It's about time the randy cunt left," cited one disgruntled Voter, "He's been hoarding all the sexy woman and it's about time some of them were turfed out of the cabinet for us to fondle.  It's just not on."

The BBC's Alan Johnston had this to say, "Mr. Monti could well be the man to take over the rule of the country but I don't think he has that wild streak in him to be a successful Prime Minister.  Blair had his charisma, Bush had his stupidity and all Mr. Monti has is a well versed career counting bank notes and that won't fly with the ladies."

"This is tragic," claimed one Prostitute, "Without Silvio there is no one to pay us loads of money and give us an easy pass into the entertainment industry.  This Mr. Monti sounds like a fruit juice salesman and frankly that isn't the kind of thing we go for.  It's more the money and the parties, but the parties are going to become a thing of the past.  It is very very sad."

Silvio sorting out the G8 summit

Despite certain objections to Berlusconi's resignation the general feeling is that he has outstayed his welcome and that his partying ways were not inclusive of a modern day Italy.  "They were just to snobby and didn't take into account our views.  They just didn't stop to think of the consequences and just kept on partying without any regard to the damage it would do to the country's health," claimed one Partygoer.

Berlusconi is set to resign tomorrow after an intervention took place this afternoon where his closest aids and colleagues gave him a full account of his doings that caused the Prime Minister to break down and admit his lifestyle may be getting a bit much for the cabinet and that it was time to let go.

"I'll be gone but not forgotten," he claimed, "The legend and the hair will live on."

Man Forgets Remembrance Day

by Shaky Parkinson

At 11am this morning the country fell silent to mark the 93rd Armistice Day by paying their respects to the servicemen who have given their lives in the duty of protecting the crown and its subjects.  That is except for Mr. John Buttley of Oxfordshire who totally forgot the day's significance.

Buttley's blunder (As it has come to be known) was brought to the public foreground when he was seen wandering amongst silent pedestrians in Oxford City Centre.  "It was terrible," exclaimed Buttley, "All of a sudden everyone just stopped and lapsed into silent musing.  After half a minute I just assumed that the aliens were here to take over and started checking everyone for Zombification."

Luckily the two-minute silence ended before he could poke anymore eyes out and was quickly told of his error before being smacked in the face.  One victim had this to say, "So I'm standing there right, mindin' me own business and trying to look thoughtful when this pillock comes up and jabs a biro in my eye socket.  I've never known such pain.  I had to hit the stupid bugger, I mean who forgets Remembrance Day?"

"It just slipped my mind," apologised Buttley, "I had a lot on.  The fish tank needed a clean and I wanted to try out some scampi and lemon flavoured Nik Naks and I just forgot.  You would have thought the numerous poppy vendors and British Legion volunteers would have set something in motion but sadly it was a no go. What can I say, I forgot."

"Its a bloody disgrace," yelled veteran army man Major Major, "A grown man forgetting a day of remembrance is akin to shitting on a Royal Mail carrier pigeon.  My poor brother took a bullet in WWII and now he suffers from amnesia and even he managed to get his poppy on.   You expect it of the children because those little buggers haven't learnt about it in the first place but a grown man forgetting something is not on."

Today's incident has gone down in history as one of the most shocking and it is thought that with rehabilitation, therapy and lots of drugs Mr. Buttley will be allowed safely back into the community sometime in the next fifteen years.

"Not This Shit Again," Sigh American Government

by Shaky Parkinson

"We can totally explain that one."

A 5,000 strong petition has been submitted to the American Government nagging them to release proof of the existence of Extra-terrestrials.  The petition was submitted through the 'We The People' website with the endorsement of 17,000 signatories.  The Government responded with a resolute sigh and a decision to up the signature requirement to 25,000.

"There is no evidence for life in the universe," commented space policy expert Phil Larson of the White House, "This isn't the X-files, everyone knows we only play Mulder and Scully on Halloween and even then the costumes aren't great.  There is no proof of the existence of Extra-terrestrials, can you lot please let this one go and find some other meaning in your lives?"

"No," responded former abductee, Skip Millgrass, "They're out there man.  I've got photos man, I can prove it."

"Then why do you need evidence from us?" retaliated Larson.

"Because no one will believe it man, you gotta be in a suit for that shit to fly," stated Millgrass, "That and the photos got lost man, I dunno where but they're gone.  But I know, I 've seen 'em.  What about Roswell?  They said it was an alien."

"The press said it was an alien," claimed Larson, "They also claimed that the recession was over and that one bit them up the cock.  What crash landed in Roswell was top secret and also very very dull and unalienlike."

"Do you think we waste time looking for little green men when the Russians are on the loose?  We've got far more important things to worry about.  The countries up the shitter and you're worried about avoiding an anal probe?  Get some perspective."

"Perspective?  They know man, puff, they fucking know," countered Millgrass.

"Fine," raged Larson, "They do exist, there's millions of them and they are flying all over the place bumming anything that moves and what's worse is that they do it for pleasure.  There's no science involved, its all a big laugh to them.  Will that make you sleep better at night cos' its a load of my mind."

"I told you man, puff, they know.  They got no proof, so that means they can't not exist.  If there were no Aliens then there should be a folder on it or something.  They got nothing."

The debate is set to continue due to the lack of supporting evidence the White House has to back up its claims that the aliens do not exist and it appears believers everywhere will not have their beliefs shaken and the struggle for truth rages on.

"No it doesn't, they don't fucking exist.  Have you taken in a single word I've said?"

Experimental Fireworks Display Causes Mixed Reviews

by Shaky Parkinson

Visitors to Mossfield Stadium in Oban were witness to a spectacular new experimental fireworks display last Friday.  Instead of the usual twenty-minute display of stock explosions, viewers were given a fifty second contained bombardment for the eyes.

At 7pm sharp the entire range of fireworks costing £6,000 were simultaneously set off at once and have since gone down in history as being the most amazing and disappointing feeling a person can experience at the same time.

"It went up like a house on fire that's been filled with gas canisters and glitter," spoke spectator Terrence Cumsack, "Fuck me it was incredible.  It was pretty far out but I'm glad I got to see it.  Although it could have lasted longer."

"It was like daytime," claimed local stylist Jane Frizzy, "My hair was standing on end.  It was something to behold.  Shame it was so short."

"I found the display to be rather disappointing," bitched one Snob whose continued ego driven rant we refused to take down.

It appears the company behind the display, Pyro 1, was under the impression that the general public of Oban wanted an adventurous night out and had brought in their specialist pyrotechnician, Arthur Sparks to try something radical.  The ninety-eight-year-old has been responsible for such delights as the Oldham City Blaze and the Buckingham Palace Dazzle and felt it was time to lend his talents to this year's local event.

"I thought I'd get back to basics," coughed Arthur through his cigar smoke, "I thought we'd put on a lovely pretty display and make it a fun night, but as I was staring at the trigger switch I thought fuck it and set the lot off at once.  I know I blew a lot of money for such a short spectacle but these things happen.  I think everyone secretly wants to see this happen but now they have seen the results I'm sure their curiosity has peaked."

Indeed the crowd was deeply upset about spending their 50p to get into the ground and so a free show has been organised for later in the month.  "I think we gave them their money's worth," claimed Councillor Roddy McCuish, "But they didn't appreciate that little nugget of recession humour, they've been brilliant, everyone was happy to return in three week's time for a second display free of charge and I can't say fairer than that."

"It wasn't too much fun having to tell them that Sparks had gotten a bit trigger happy so we covered things up with an electrical malfunction excuse but they could see through it.  They couldn't believe it was over but who cares, I know you don't you lousy writer, wake up and stop trying to make this piece interesting with a bit of fourth wall humour. Shame on you."

Watching at home on the local Oban Channel 6, Mrs. Sally Hump said, "I thought it was pretty radical and it left a strange feeling inside me.  I'm upset I didn't come."

Mrs. Fred Jenkins who was on security at the show was pleased with the night, "They were in and out in  under five minutes, couldn't have gone smoother.  No messin', no skateboards and no fun.  I've never seen an operation move with such pace and skill."

The free fireworks display will occur on November the 27th at the same location.  Unfortunately Arthur Sparks will be unavailable to manage the show as he is using the day to die of lung cancer and old age.

New Sitcom A Complete Failure

by Shaky Parkinson

Go Team!!!

New sitcom "Banter with the Newbies", has plummeted to the bottom of the ratings after a sterling seven minute broadcast.  It appears the forced humour and appalling lead character have finally brought about a realisation that Britain is no longer the world's comedy forerunner.

The comedy was the brainchild of iPod Accessory Salesman Mike Gleeson, who was thrilled at the reception, "All in all I think things went well.  My style is certainly an acquired taste and seven minutes beats any personal goals.  Fingers crossed for a second episode."

Critics have been raving wildly about the show with the Daily Mail saying, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened."  The Sun were a bit kinder and ran with, "Complete shit."

The Radio Times have been at the forefront for a campaign into getting the show banned from television screens.  "Only a tosser would watch it," they write, "Let's hope Gleeson can play video games better than he can write comedy."

This debacle has led to much needed questioning about the BBC's current comedy output.  "You've got to hit rock bottom before you realise you have a problem," claimed Mark Thompson, "Now we know things have to change we've instantly commissioned a further ten series of Little Britain and are planning a spin-off show of My Family centring around Baby Kenso.  Poor Gleeson, he means well but he just hasn't quite got it right.  I spoke to him over a game of Fifa and although he found the situation hard to grasp I think he'll pull through."

Greece Attempt Suicide, Again

by Shaky Parkinson (It feels lonely in the office, it's like I'm the only one here)

Greek Prime Minister George Papapapandreou has once again sent his country into turmoil with threats of suicide.  Earlier this week George toyed with his country by issuing an abrupt statement in which he threatened to end Greece's life, "I'll do it, I'll take this referendum and end it all.  Just try me."

Luckily Finance Minister Evangelos Venizelos called his bluff by citing the fact that if a mass suicide was implemented George would be partaking of it alone.  After some baby banter George was later forced to take back the threat and secure assurances that his popular idea was not to be acted upon.

"Fuck the world," raved George, "We don't need them or their fucking lies.  This is Greece.  Fuck off.  We'll do what we want, it got us this far."

"I'm not convinced this plan is a good one," butted in Venizelos, "I've been talking to other countries and as far as they're concerned it seems they are unanimously agreed that living is the best course of action and I agree.  I cannot imagine death would prove beneficial to our global standing so I have urged the country to ignore Papa George's ravings.  If we're lucky he'll take the first sip of the punch when we pretend to go along with his 'vision'".

As things stand Greece's official stance on life is positive but only by a slim majority.  With the upcoming holiday rush it is thought anything as simple as a fight for the last Buzz Lightyear could prove fatal to the populace as a whole.

The decision to stay alive caused a sigh of relief to be heard throughout the global community as no one was really in the mood to clean up the potential mess.

Strictly Gets Mildly More Interesting

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid to make its 11.5 million viewers feel something other than stark emotional boredom, the BBC's flagship entertainment show Strictly Come Dancing has upped its raunchiness factor in a bid to do justice to it's title.

The trial run of smut was held last Saturday but unexpectedly caused record amounts of complaints for a family show of its kind.  The focus of the attention was laid at the hips of Robbie Savage, whose Jackoesque style hip thrusting was deemed far too excitable for the older generation and far too inspirational for the younger.  When told that this dance was an exact copy of the original groove laid down in the hit 'Bad', a mass CD burning was held at the Southwark branch of Age Concern, while Royal Mail saw a tripling in workloads.

"I've already got a dodgy shoulder," claimed Postman Pat, "And what with Christmas round the corner my work load isn't getting any easier, especially with all these complaints flooding my route.  I don't even have any room for Jess anymore, the poor bugger has to stay at home watching Cash In The Attic.  I say we should pull both the shows and send Bruno Tonioli to the moon in a big rocket."

"I've even written to the BBC," he continued, "Complaining about the number of complaints they are getting and to do something about it but they just wrote back complaining that I was a time waster and that they were aware of the problem.  I've been doing this job for a while now and I've never known a more pointless whinge than this."

It seems that Savage's hip thrusting wasn't the only thing getting the public hot under the collar.  Nancy Dell'Olio's leg spreading also proved unwelcome, a view that was sadly reflected in the final phone in vote with the BBC's new raunchy angle getting voted out in the final dance off.

"I couldn't believe it," claimed Granny Scroggins, "In fact I still don't believe it.  I think the BBC is disgusting for letting such an old lady getting her vag out on television.  You could see it all and frankly that was too much."

"I agree with what she said," said Albert Nearingit, "You don't know the kind of pressure old people are under to constantly complain about the most trivial matters.  I hate Strictly Come Faffing but you can't hit the bingo hall with that attitude.  The last person who slagged off Len Goodman ended up in a skip and I don't like skips."

Despite wide coverage of the negative reception of last weekend's show there has also been a surprisingly high trend of positive feedback for the show's new angle.  "I love a bit of leg," winked Lord B. Dover, "Now think of my enjoyment when I got a bit of upskirt action thrown into the mix.  I almost spilled my champagne."

BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, was enthusiastic about the show's progress, "More complaints mean more people watching and if most of those people aren't complaining then that is probably good.  What I'm saying is that complaints mean things are good, not bad and that when things are good then they are for the most part discouraged.  I think that's right."

"Don't these people have lives," piped up Skip Dump from the Michael Jackson and Nancy Dell'Olio Appreciation Society, "Why waste your time complaining about such a dull show as Strictly Come Dancing when there are far more important problems in the world.  Surely their anger would be better used complaining about Hollyoaks or why Nancy didn't get a job judging the X-Factor.  Some people."

"Family show my arse," claimed one loud mouth, "I've not watched a program with the kids since Jordan had her reality show cancelled.  Now that they have Xbox's and unlimited Internet porn I hardly ever see them.  A bit of smut might be the thing needed to get this show ticking all the right boxes."

Today's complaints have sadly forced the BBC to once again bend over backwards and cater to a minority who are unable to work their television remotes and cancel any proposed plans to make the show even the slightest bit entertaining.  Strictly's creator Fenia Vardanis is saddened at the fact that such promising ideas as the Alesha Dixon Strip-off and the Craig Horwood face smashing will have to be scrapped.

No doubt this weeks controversy will quickly blow over and viewers will be able to settle back into their preferred viewing patterns before the Strictly Christmas DVD clogs up retail outlets throughout the land in the cumming weeks.