Miliband Contracts Labouritus

by Shaky Parkinson

Fears were confirmed today when Labour Leader Ed Miliband was diagnosed with Labouritus.  Reactions of shock and dismay rattled through the party with some MP's going as far as to take their own jobs.

Symptoms were noticed earlier today when Miliband was unable to recall the forerunner for the Scottish Labour Party Leadership.  During the press conference with BBC's Westminster Correspondent, Tim Reid, Miliband was unable to bring the name of party favourite Ken Macintosh MSP to mind amidst his droll babblings.

"Labouritus is a serious affliction," claimed Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "It is a rare disease seemingly afflicting any head of the Labour Party.  It usually takes a few months to make itself known but once it does it can seriously affect speech, appearance, public image while leave serious scars on any political career.  There is no official cure but experiments into charisma are proving successful.  In the meantime we advise Mr. Miliband to stay indoors away from all video and audio equipment and if at all possible to take a vow of silence until the General Election."

Other politicians have not fared well in the face of Labouritus.  Former Number Ten occupier, Gordon Brown suffered from the disease for his entire term in office.  "It was a gruesome case," continued Foster, "By the end he was nothing more than a walking ball of hate and filth.  Mr. Brown had a rare strain of the rare disease.  The only thing that kept him alive was a self-loathing public who were greedily bent on self-destruction.  Once that got taken away from him he was done for."

"We've seen it all before," commented Mr. Mister of Royal College London, "First it's a wrong name then you're on the streets slagging off the electorate.  Then come the abuse allegations and by then it's all over.  The whole thing is very sad and we hope Mr. Miliband can pull through and be able to live a purposeful life."

Ed Balls had this too say, "It's a bit of a shock.  We weren't expecting this until after Christmas.  He's done his best and laid the groundwork but we'll begin the transition and start getting things changed at the top.  The Docs have given him nine months, which was very, very kind of them.

Miliband has already seen a number of specialists but so far the prognosis is unanimously bad.

"You're Aware This Is Murder, Right?"

by Shaky Parkinson

In a landmark case a High Court Judge has today ruled that killing someone is murder.  "Oh, it's murder alright," stated the Judge who we can only refer to as J, "If you stop someone living and this causes death, then I'm 99% sure you've just committed murder."

The ruling came this morning when the evidently pissed off family of a brain damaged woman, we'll call her Rose, were legally forced to let her live.  "She'd have never wanted this," wept Rose's daughter Rose 2, "She'd have wanted to die, I'm like 99% sure of it."

It seems that numerous barriers were unearthed during the trial that stopped Rose's family finally doing away with her and getting their hands on the inheritance.  One such problem with the case was the law, the others being the fact that they were arguing for legalised murder and that Rose's entire family are fucking morons albeit incredibly optimistic ones.

The Guff spoke to Rose's second daughter, Rose 3 to hear her justify herself, "She's not much of a talker. She's just so dull which makes the family visits a nightmare.  We even bought her an Xbox 360 but after a few months we realised that the look of vague detachment on her face was a result of the accident.  She hadn't even picked up the controller.  I know in my heart that she would've jumped at the chance to play 'Gears of War III'.  Seeing her ignore it is proof that she wants to die."

We tried to talk to Rose herself but all we gleamed from the interview was some frantic eye movements which truth be told doesn't really fill up the notebook in any satisfying way.  What we can say is that  although 'Gears of War III' is much like its predecessors it lacks the energy and involvement that made the original such an engaging piece of software.

When asked to comment the Jury was unanimous in their verdict, "You're aware this is murder, right?"

"Believe it or not," continued J, "But we actually want people to live.  Despite its numerous flaws the law is very optimistic in its approach to lengthy suffering.  We like seeing people alive and by gum we'll do everything in our power to uphold that belief."

"We are completely and resolutely upset and disappointed and upset," claimed Yogi Amin, the representative of Rose's family, "We cannot believe that in this day and age we cannot legally kill people.  I mean this isn't like a gunfight in a salon, this is a simple family matter, without violence, to end the life of someone we are pretty sure wants to die.  She didn't hear that did she?"

Rose's family have claimed that the fight isn't over and come hell or high water their beloved mother will soon be gracing the gate of the God she seems so ready to shit on.

Labour Probably Promise 'Heaven On Earth'

by Shaky Parkinson

The no nonsense, life ruining, money swindling, retarded farts known as the Labour Party have taken policy making to the next extreme by promising the countries' morons 'Heaven on earth'.

"We believe in people being given everything they want as long as it means we look good and get to stay at the top," said Ed Balls, "Everyone is pissed off that they are loosing cash because of the mess left by us the last Labour government so despite it being completely unfeasible we have decided to promise that we will reverse as many of these cuts as we can.  We're not them, we're New New Labour which is really new."

It appears the majority of cuts to be reversed will magically benefit people from strong Labour backgrounds and areas or indeed any potential vote.  "I think people have to believe what we say and that means we have to be very careful about what we say," stated Balls in a Radio 4 interview.

According to Balls, "Britain is crying out for a better way," and that "He would not be making any irresponsible promises," he simply said, "We'll see you all on the lawn outside the pearly gates and it will be heaven with Labour."

"Tossers," remarked David Cameron, "You put on a damn tie and your public enemy number one.  What is wrong with these morons, I bet half the people whinging voted for this mess in the first place.  These cretins all see me as some sort of rich snob, well here's a truth, I see them as a bunch of greedy simpletons with about as much brain capacity as a melted dildo.  If you want to throw our country down the shitter because of a bit of discomfort then go fuck yourself.   I'll get on the blower and tell Oxfam to pull the plug on their latest advertising campaign."

"Whatever people disliked about our last term in office then that is what we will probably not do, and that's a certainty, which is probably better than a promise.  Just vote for us and find out," finished Balls.



News Guff must state it has always been the beacon of impartiality and no amount of bribes or free Caramacs will change that.  Eat Caramacs they're grrreeeeeeaaaaaat! 

Scientists Bitch About Natural Selection

by Shaky Parkinson

When Scientists aren't busy trying to outwit God it seems they have other pressing issues on hand, namely begrudgingly bitching about natural selection and the progress of species.

Today's current whinging is the result of a study commissioned at Oxford University by the People's Trust for Endangered Species that found the Red Squirrel to be almost extinct within the British Isles.  "It is so cute," blurted out one Whitecoat, "I don't care how much faster or quicker those bloody grey American Squirrels are, we don't want any foreigners coming over here and cluttering up our forests."

The study also found that the hedgehog population had dropped from over 30million in the 1950's to around 1.5million.  We spoke to Farmer Giles about the recent dip, "Serves them right.  If a hedgehog can't stop itself getting eaten with all those damn spikes on its back then it deserves to go.  That's just the way it is.  I thought that was what those tossers have been winging about for years.  Survival of the fittest and all that."

The shocking thing about the report is that it claims the number of otters, polecats and water voles are substantially on the increase thus justifying the idea of a progressive world.  "No, no, no!  It doesn't work like that!" spouted the Whitecoat, "We want everything to stay the same unless it suits us.  I don't care if the loss of the Red Squirrel results in life elsewhere, that isn't right or how it supposed to go.  We are supposed to do what we like and make sure the species we think are cutest get the highest preference.  Give me that bat."

It seems the paper has sparked off much controversy throughout the scientific community with a campaign to save the Red Squirrel currently in full swing.  

"It could be anywhere," says Man from Crater

by Shaky Parkinson

No wreckage has yet been found of NASA's UARS satellite that crashed into the earth earlier today.  "See, we were right," claimed Mark Matney, NASA's orbital debris scientist, "It all burnt up in the atmosphere and the rest sort of landed in the sea."

It seems reports have been flooding in from disappointed people across the United States who were looking forward to a bit of sad excitement.

"This is bullshit," stated Marge Printpress, "When someone states a satellite is going to crash land you expect someone to get hurt and we didn't even see a stubbed toe."

"Like the rest of us I was setting my sights on a spectacular 'I told you so', and now I'm really bored," whinged Donny Poppins of Seattle.

NASA has commented by saying, "We told you this was going to happen. You little shits just wanted us to fuck up something else so you'd have another thing to bitch about.  Well fuck you!"

"Don't believe them," cited conspiracy theorist and warlock Timmy Knowles, "We already have amateur footage of what appears to be lasers shooting something out of the sky at the exact moment of re-entry.  And if you fiddle with some numbers it conclusively proves that the lasers must have come from Cape Kennedy."

"No they didn't," butted in Matney.

"Well what do you make of the huge crater situated outside Boise where there is a supposed Man saying, 'It could be anywhere?" countered Timmy.

"We have proof that this report is nothing more than a drummed up hoax being circulated by a fool on his third-rate satirical news blog," replied Matney.

Timmy then responded with, "We know there is a cover up of something or someone or maybe even a thing that is of a thing that has weird parts stuck on it.  Whatever it is we aren't being told about it is being covered up."

"Of course we don't tell you everything moron," thundered Matney, "You cannot be privy to all the information you desire on a whim.  If you want to enlist in the NASA training program and work for the knowledge then be my guest.  For example, do you really believe that the ring of sincerity prevailing within the retail sector is a true depiction of honesty?  No.  We didn't screw up and no one got hurt so suck it."

Luckily no one was hurt in the crash but it is hoped that a body or a dead family pet will materialise soon.  Still as time goes on the chances of finding anyone dead are getting slimmer and slimmer.

Greece Attempts Suicide

by Shaky Parkinson

The current economical situation in the Eurozone seems to have proved too much Greece as earlier today the country decided to take its own life.  Economists were called onto the scene this afternoon and have claimed that 'Strike Action' was said to be the method used in the attempt.

We spoke to George Osborne, "The word on the grapevine is that the money all us sensible countries lent to Greece was apparently too tyrannical.  The methods and restrictions we have put in place to ensure that Greece is still able to feed itself were apparently really mean."

Since the incident Greece has been locked within a stupidity coma that makes communication impossible.  It is hoped Economists and Politicians can somehow bring Greece round but the outlook is bleak, not very good and potentially bad.

"I loved Greece like a son," wept Nicolas Sarkozy, "I work, I toil and for what?  Look at how the world has treated Greece.  Watch it lying helpless and unloved on its own back.  I did everything for it and this is how I am repayed."

The incident has also sparked a number of radical copycats, all hell bent on defaulting this life in the desperate hope of somewhere richer.  "Once that volcano blasts up again we're going to the top and hurling ourselves into the crater," whinged Iceland, "Things are looking pretty grim and we are also running low on cash.  That money we stole from Great Britain didn't even cover the heating bills.  So we've decided this is all for the best."

America toyed with the idea for a few minutes before hearing that the Russians were too enthusiastic about the plans, so unless a double bluff can get the go ahead the threat of more defaulting may be averted.

Economists have said that Greece is in a critical state but even a small union ballot could be enough to send it over the edge.  They were adamant that Greece would recover in time and that they, "Weren't letting go."

"Our thoughts are with the family," stated David Cameron, "They are also with it's wallet.  Let's hope there's a donor card in there."

Today's Sporting Round-Up

by Shaky Parkinson

It appears that there was sport today with results culminating in many various wins across the UK.  Football and rugby were amongst some of the big favourites that suffered defeat with darts coming in a close third.  The tennis versus curling bout won't be decided until the fifth round with a 2-2 outcome prevailing in the sailing.

Extreme sports sore a boost against the dollar but took a beating against the FTSE 100 which triumphed against Swansea but lost its footing when Windsor came back with a last minute point.

The diving was forced into catastrophe while a runaway shuttlecock caused an upset for Jenson Button in the Doncaster Grand Prix.

The cricket was called off, as was the rain that left a clean path free for Bradford Unathletic when they stormed to victory against everyone in the cup final semis.

There was a penalty fine when Kingsley hit a rounder in the UFC, which caused ripples amongst the bowling clubs of London who lost a 15/1 bet on Wilbur's Knob in 9:17.5 at the oval.

Snooker was up with Jimmy White's ten-hour return from retirement proving unsuccessful when Ryan Giggs scored a century at Highbury Park.

Injuries were numerous with David Beckham and Wayne Rooney both being excused from play while Alex Ferguson had to bow out of a charity fistfight due to stress and a brain haemorrhage.

In the Premiership, football went down by three with Queens Park Rangers getting a thumbs up as Chelsea went ahead by fifty to secure a place in the Championship Euro.

The pools saw an upturn in numbers with a 4,4,2 win from Charlton racking up a ten second lead in the hundred metre hurdles with a new world record still under questioning.

And that's the sport.

Great North Run Ends In Completion

by Shaky Parkinson

The 2011 Great North Run kicked off yesterday with 54,000 do-gooders' out in force representing their chosen charities.  The event has raised thousands for causes throughout the country and ended without too much faffing after the last entrant had crossed the finish line.  News Guff visited the event to get the skinny from the people who had nothing better to do on a Sunday.

"It was great," chimed Mr. and Mrs. Pollyoddlywaddly, "There was one hemophiliac dressed up as a blood clot bless him.  He was doing really well until he caught his neck on his clothing tag.  The ambulance was quick to show up so the effort hadn't been in vain.  Where would they be without our support?"

"Bollocks," claimed Mr. Twatt, " I've never seen such a lack luster race in all my life.  Half of the lazy fucks had given up before they'd hit the starting line and they didn't even stand a chance after they let the wheelchairs off first.  I'd hardly call that fair.  There weren't even any good crashes.  Bollocks."

"What," said this Other Chap, "I don't know anything about any fucking race, go talk to that weirdo in the dragon costume."

"Wicked," said the Weirdo in the Dragon Costume, "It was a record year for heat exhaustion. I got close but that can of Vimto I had at lunch lost it for me.  They were dropping like flies and it hurt not being able to keep up but there is always next year."

"This is the second run I've ever witnessed," claimed pro-athlete Jimmy Knickers, "It was interesting but overall I felt the performance tedious, slow and lacking in a climactic ending, once they'd crossed the white line there was just varying degrees of enthusiastic clapping.  I was not impressed.  One star."

"I'll be honest with you, any run that doesn't involve Paula Radcliffe getting her cooch out and spraying the pavement is a good one," blurted one Angry Pedestrian as he left a Psychiatrist's office.

"I started my diet yesterday and I thought I'd better get a bit of jogging done," claimed Joshua Tubbins, "Let's just say I'm over the hump and I have definitely broken myself into the routine.  Its just a shame I am suffering from extreme exhaustion and probably won't be able to walk again for six weeks."

There was also a report of elderly woman, Molly Coddling getting caught up in the charge.  A search party has been organised and volunteers are hopeful that she will be found dead or alive by next Wednesday.  "I saw her wave good morning then she was gone," claimed front lawn gossip, Dawn, "I do hope she's okay.  She's only just gotten over the London Marathon."

"I'm raising dosh for the sports wing of the National Blind League of Veteran's Association," cited Jeremy Twinkle, "Those boys have done a good job and after their eighty years service they deserve a few new squash rackets."

The Great North Run is set to occur again next year in 2012 with even more outlandish costumes and niche charities to take part.

Food To Kill Again

by Shaky Parkinson

It seems scientists are at it again with this seconds scare involving low-fat yogurt, pregnancy and Asthma.  The European Respiratory Society have today unveiled research claiming that pregnant women eating low-fat yogurt will put their children at a greater risk of contracting Asthma, and probably cancer, that shit gets everywhere.

"We surveyed over 70,000 Danish Woman and it all makes sense," claimed lead study author, Ekaterina Maslova, "The lack of fatty acids in the yogurt clearly demonstrate that these children are fucked and will be struggling for air for the rest of eternity."

"This has nothing to do with breast milk or normal milk or indeed that soya crap," she furthered, "But it is clear that normal yogurt is the way forward if you are preggers and anyone who cares about their unborn fetus should listen to what we say and take our recommendations as concrete fact.  But only if we're right."

Many sensible people have been quick to ignore the study with Roger Buffing of Medical College Oxford having this to say, "I have this to say, the fact is we are all fucked.  According to those test tube lovers there is not a food alive that will in some way bring about our untimely end, so they can just jog on.  I currently weigh 390 Stone and so far no diet has worked.  Each and every single one of them is in contradiction with the others.  I've decided that crisps are the way forward.  I've only heard bad things so I want to be ahead of the game when they become healthy."

"They'd need to duplicate the results," stated Asthma UK Research Director, Leanne Metcalf, "I'm not falling for another 'onions cure AIDS' rant.  Either way, this is all speculation and by the time we get to the bottom of it the scare will be long over and no one will care when we find out they were wrong."

After suggesting the usual 'balanced diet' get out clause, the scientists packed up their wagons and hit off on the trail to make camp at the next town.  It is also recommended that if someone is ill that they go to their Local GP, thus absolving the publishers of spreading any misinformation while keeping the white coats firmly placed at the head of reason and logic.

Superhero Attacks Swiss Bank

by Shaky Parkinson

Swiss bank UBS has been ravaged by the dealings of a rogue trading Superhero with the estimated loss currently running at $2bn.  "First it was there then it wasn't, don't ask me what happened," said Group CEO Oswald Grubel, "These things happen and we'd rather step aside and let someone else deal with it just in case our shares take a further hit."

And hit they were with UBS shares dropping 8% overnight.  It appears the actions of this as yet unnamed trader, we'll call him Mr. Wonderful, have resulted in a serious loss of faith for the company that had to be bailed out by the Swiss government back in 2008.

"It's about bloody time," said War Veteran Charlie Slug, "Those damn Nazi cowards could do with a kick up the arse.  It's all Hadron Collider this and C.E.R.N. that, well fuck 'em.  Maybe if they spent a bit more time telling jokes instead of struggling against futility to out wit God, they might not be seen as such pompous knobs."

Tensions were running high with an immediate investigation set in motion to locate Mr. Wonderful's lair.  "We believe his hiding to be located on or around the 39th floor of our main building.  Then again it could just be a very knowledgeable cleaner out for revenge after that impromptu custard pie fight we had on Friday.  To be honest we don't know, but it is shocking nonetheless."

It is still unclear how Mr. Wonderful was able to migrate the ever increasing limitations being placed on bankers worldwide but it seems, "A bit of skilled fudging was sufficient to bypass our most secure stock movement programs or whatever it is we use to move stocks about," continued Grubel, "If we don't find him soon his mission to destroy our financial credibility will be ruined.  We haven't suffered an image breach since our founding in 1854.  That is why we have called in Supervillian, Mr. Boring to ferret out the culprit and his creative banking manoeuvres that have left us in a quandary."

It is uncertain how the story will proceed, but what is certain is that wherever there is a dull money hungry country whose chief exports are boredom and scientists Mr. Wonderful will be there to kick them where it hurts.

Cigarette Causes Explosion, or Gas, or Whatever

by Shaky P (I'm trying it out)

75 people were killed today when a fuel pipe exploded under the Sinai slum in Nairobi.  It is believed that a petrol leak was gathering for some time before a disgusting individual whose habits had driven him to the break of insanity relieved himself of a cigarette thus sparking an horrific display of death and destruction throughout the area.

Over a hundred people have been injured in the blast and a recent glance at the death tally has seen fatalities rapidly approach the one hundred way point.  Bodies of those burnt were seen floating in a nearby river while tar stained teeth and clogged vessels were witnessed falling over 1,000 feet away.

"That fucker went up big time," said one Old Man, "I've been sittin' in this here pile of shite for almost fifty year but I ain't ever seen a mother load like that.  Sort of makes things okay.  I ain't ever failin' with that image scared into my retina's."

It is believed the clean up operation may take hours with the cost to property running at a little over seven dollars.  Residents were shocked at the disaster.  None more so than Lungamba Smith, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"It's horrible," reacted another Resident, "You just don't think it's going to happen to you.  We're used to all the frozen piss spikes falling through our roofs because of the airport but a cigarette smoker is something you just can't cope with."

Body parts were seen littering the ground around the crater and a mass crowd had turned up to witness the gigantic hole in the ground left there.  "Someone said there was a gas leak so I came over as fast as I could," claimed one Nairobian, "If this is what smoking does I'm making sure the kids get hooked on liquor before it's too late."

One resident, Mr. Jumba Evans was tucking into his tea when the explosion occurred.  "Forget second hand smoke, I got second hand lung in my potatoes," he ranted, "First there was a whoosh, then a burp then a big fuck off bang.  My hearts are with the family's but why couldn't this have happened on fish scraping night?"

Of course smoking campaigners were quickly on the scene to drive home their cause and show what a little bit of lung love can do to a neighbourhood.  We spoke to Miss Elma Waddle, chairwoman of SMUG (Smoking Makes Unhealthy Gums) and this is what she had to say, "We tried to warn you, we did we did, but you didn't listen and now you're looking at a broken homes and a mass grave.  See, we told you this would happen.  It only takes one cigarette butt and a few tonnes of leaking fuel and you have a disaster on your hands.  I hope you're happy and if you aren't then it serves you right."

It seems Kenya cannot catch a break with the Government issuing a category five 'Shit's Law Warning' that prohibits the use of thumbtacks, cling film and all versions of Windows 7.  "Fuck," said Prime Minister Raila Odinga, "Fuck."

Army Outraged At Car-Bomb Attack

by Shaky Parkinson

The Armed Forces are today mourning the loss of 80 US Troops who were killed in a truck bomb attack in Wardak province, Afghanistan.  The attack which occurred within a United States Military base is just one more addition to an increasingly dull and lack luster list of terrorist attacks over the last few years.

"Those bastards," yelled Lieutenant Commander Peter Loud, "What kind of sick game of terrorist are they playing here?  I've seen more ingenuity in a dog kennel.  Those scruffy lay abouts haven't come up with a decent piece of creative killing in over a decade and today's attack was just one to many."

"He's right," agreed Captain Lieutenant Barry Edge, "Another fucking car bomb, are they taking the piss?  If they are trying to force us out through shame they are doing a bloody good job of it.  One more sobbing widow whose fella has bitten the dust from a nondescript car bomb and I'm calling it quits."

"There's just no creativity," continued Loud, "I always thought these gits were given to the idea of free thinking but it seems our regimented strictness is proving more interesting than even their wittiest ideas.  Where are the unicycle bombs, the grenades through the windows?  Even a nutter with a loaded paintball gun would prove a useful distraction.  There are ways to win a war and pussy footing around like girls is not one of them."

When sort for a quote one Terrorist stated, "We have lots of cars, so we use cars.  We don't like cars so much.  Fuck the soldiers and their boredom, why don't they give us some tanks and we can blow them up instead.  We sent Yusuf out to make some kites so we could dive bomb them into the enemies compound but they are shit.  Have you tried strapping dynamite to twine, the weight ratio is obscene.  Sorry I must go.  Have you seen my keys."

"This particular form of violence is becoming widespread throughout the world and is having a serious effect on our troops' moral," claimed Defence Secretary Dr. Liam Fox, "Who wants another death defying blast when we could resign ourselves to the fact that a midget trained in the ways of the force could be lurking around the next corner, just waiting to make his move.  Those are the kind of emotions we need. These Terrorists are damaging moral, creativity and humour."

"We let off three car bombs earlier this year just as an April Fool's joke" chuckled Loud, "I can still see the boys faces, bored senseless.  We did such a good job of it they failed to see the joke.  So you can see how bad it has gotten.  Oh well, next year we're just going to go with the old cling film over the toilet.  With this current lull in Terrorist originality we could use the laughs."

After the shock explosion it was reported that Ross Kemp was patrolling the army base but as of yet has not done anything of use.  It is hoped that new legislation and an influx of troops may do something to spark the Terrorists into action but it is thought the last smidgen of hope was lost during the release of the latest Terrorist trade magazine, 'Car Bomb Weekly'

Galliano Swindled Of 6,000 Euros

by Shaky Parkinson

Poor anit-Semitic fashion fool John Galliano was today swindled of 6,000 Euros by a covetous Jew and her swindling counterparts.  The team who set upon Galliano in a Parisian restaurant are said to have used cunning, deceit and observation in coaxing abuse out of the drunk fashion designer.

"I apologise," claimed Galliano in court this afternoon, "If I knew what was happening there would be more to say."  Stepping into the void with his trusted text book Galliano's lawyer, Aurelien Hamelle, was quick to save the accused by stating Mr. Galliano, "Is relived to be putting this all behind him."  "What do you mean 'This'?" stumbled Galliano.

It seems museum curator, Geraldine Bloch and her little yellow, and as yet unnamed Friend were able to keep the fashion designer in a forty-five minute argument until the Rozzer's showed up to arrest him.  "What a rookie mistake," claimed Miss Bloch's lawyer, "My clients showed great talent in being able to lure a boozed up Mr. Galliano into a war of words.  After the first syllable the case was as good as won."

He continued, "Two women, probably lesbians, one Asian and the other one a Jew, what a moron.  His flamboyant dress sense was a blessing, and the bottle of vodka he was swilling was a golden ticket covered in good cocaine.  The man is a walking cash machine."

Galliano who is said to be receiving treatment for his addictions to alcohol, Valium and sleeping pills is just one in a long line of racists whose over the top presence has been exploited for financial gain by the ever greedy Jew.  "I don't know what happened," claimed Galliano, "First some woman is being rude to me and one witty quip later I'm out of a job and up in court facing a fine of 6,000 Euros, have they seen the exchange rate recently.  What happened?  Shit, I could end up working for Primark."

Little is known of the Con Artist team but the 'Symbolic Payout' that somehow managed to include five anti-racism groups just proves that stereotypes can be true and anti-tosser groups have been seen outside the court house protesting both parties.

"This is a fucking mess," angered the Judge, "I hate the lot of them but I can't rightly sentence a woman, probably a lesbian, so I had to rule against the arrogant arse in the funny hat and trousers.  I've seen the exchange rate, tough break, but someone had to cop."

As yet we are unsure what the Con Artist's plan to do with their windfall but we are assured it is locked up tightly until a decision can be decided on.  "What we can take from this is important," continued the Judge, "Shit happens so learn from that and if you insist on running the risk of encountering people just remember that you didn't have to leave your house.  I'm going to bed, get out of my way you dirtbag Journo."

Miss Bloch was unwanted for comment, being deemed to insignificant for interviewing, "We'll give her some airtime if this case can get her career of the ground but until then it's a no go," claimed a Colleague and fellow dirtbag.

"English Channel Not Good Enough" Claims Walliams

by Shaky Parkinson

Sport Relief Lord, David Walliams is back in the limelight after his 100 mile swim down the River Thames kicked off in Lechdale, Gloucestershire yesterday.  The funny man has charged himself with swimming the entire length of the waterway, culminating in applause at Big Ben in just over a week's time.

"This is going to be even bigger than when I swam the English Channel," he commented, "Do you remember that?  When I swam the English Channel?  It was a few years ago, I think it was 2006 you must remember it?  It takes someone special to swim the English Channel.  It was tough but I did it."

After some editing he continued with, "Well this swim is going to be SEVEN TIMES longer than the English Channel.  I mean come on. SEVEN TIMES. Whaaaaat!"  Asked why he is wasting his time Walliams commented, "SEVEN TIMES!!!"  It seems the Sport Relief bug just won't go away with this years venture set to massively outshine his previous fund raising challenge of cycling from John O'Groats to Lands End.  "SEVEN TIMES!!!"

The charity swim is set to literally bring out the punters with humour conservationists planning a demonstration on Tuesday with the proposed plan of sinking Walliams just outside Oxford.  "His damage to the written word has been absolute, all we can do now is hope to stop him before this publicity train inflicts more damage on our combined consciousness," claimed Donald Dunk, Protest Leader, "I'm still suffering from post-traumatic stress after watching the pilot episode of Little Britain.  I thought we'd ridden ourselves of this grease ball but he keeps coming back."

"SEVEN TIMES!!!" shouted a now distant Walliams as he waved to the amassed crowds.  The swim which is set to see Walliams arrive in London next Monday after his 140 mile struggle will hopefully raise enough money for Sport Relief to construct another pointless inner city athletics field.

"People aren't running enough," claimed Kevin Cahill, former Chief Executive of Comic Relief, "Children spend all their time indoors playing interactive video games and watching top quality American television instead of being out on a sports pitch in the pissing rain throwing an over weighted ball of iron an unsatisfying five feet.  When I was young I loved nothing more than to run around in circles jumping over awkwardly placed obstacles and satisfyingly fail to volt over a ludicrously placed pole.  I just don't understand the youth of today."

It is hoped the ego boost will force Walliams into hiding for a further twelve months but the drooling praise being showered upon the star no doubt means we'll be hearing about this on third rate comedy panel shows for years to come.

"SEVEN TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES!!!"

NHS Canteen's To Get Foreign Makeover

by Shaky Parkinson

After a number of disgruntled comments from the suggestion box the NHS has decided to outsource its catering sector to foreign investors.  It appears a wave of discontent has broken out across many top leading institutions throughout the UK and in a bid to keep standards high the Government is planning to allow foreign investment into many UK hospitals.

"Everyone loves curry right?  Problem solved," beamed Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, "We aren't privatising the NHS, we just thought that patients would prefer a post colostomy curry than some mouldy brown salad.  Beans and chips aren't going to cut it in this Jamie Oliver Snail FUCK! Smith sort of world."

After breaking for a quick Chicken Vindaloo Lansley was back with, "What we are planning to do is bring up all NHS canteen's to a level of pretension that rivals that of the best London bistro.  Once we've souped up this kitchen you'll be shitting bricks."

After his runaway success with the rebranding of Little Chef, Heston Blumenthal is being dragged in to create a public friendly menu to suit injuries of any scale, "We've got snail toast for the fractures and frozen piss cream for tonsillitis but I've yet to make any progress with the cancer patients," he scoffed earlier today.

"I'm for it," said one Vox Pop, "I pay my taxes and I think it is about time the NHS offered me up a few choice cuts with my leg amputation.  If I wanted chips I could go to the freezer, what I want is an experience that I cannot get at home.  They already have the awkward room share and that weird metal thing to piss in but so far the food isn't up to scratch."

"My jelly is crap," fumed brain surgery survivor, Richard Head, "When will they learn."  It seems the range of Greek salads, curries, fresh pizzas and Turkish kebabs has already proven a success during its trial period and is set to go national next month.

"This is going to be great," smiled Lansley, "We'll get the best in food the world has to offer.  We're changing the whole face medicine.  Once I drag up some research that links feta cheese with a cancer cure we're set.  Hey, if this works we might as well source out the whole lot.  Gotta go my Kulfi is here."