Science Runs Out

by Shaky Parkinson

As of 6pm today Science has officially announced that it has run out.  Medicine, Physics, Astronomy and other like-minded fields have ceased operating and started celebrating as the entire Scientific Community lays out plans for its forthcoming closure.

"We're feeling pretty good," claimed Dr. Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We put in the extra hours, gave up the golf and the results speak for themselves.  No more theories, unexplained guess work or smaller pieces of atoms to discover, we've done it all and it feels fucking ace."

"God, he responded."

"Did you know I can tell you the exact physical make-up of any cross bred kitten and how it will react to the effects of air born nicotine, heroin and beatings," beamed C.E.R.N. employee Martin Flap, "I could even calculate your potential life span based on your average doughnut intake consumption (or DIC) and from that even predict your future.  We've run out of stuff to know.  Isn't it amazing?"  When asked if the conclusions reached shed any light on the existence of God, he responded, "That would be an ecumenical matter," and fled.

"We can't take much credit," cited genetic engineer Gordon Tracy, "With the advances in technology it sort of did it all for us.  All we had to do was flick the odd switch here and there between games of solitaire and everything worked itself out. To be honest most of the stuff got done on iPads.  Fragility aside those little machines are something significant.  Shame we've peaked I think people were expecting something more.  Perhaps a colour change is on the cards but that is just residual application at this point."

Stereotypical Scientist,
soon to be a thing of the past.

Although there was much rejoicing amongst the Scientific Community the gayety soon wore off for certain individuals such as Mark Prodder, "I've been working in the field of hypothetical reactionary disease cures for over twenty five years and all of a sudden I'm out of a job and back on the dole.  I've lost the company car, my ludicrously absurd funding as well as my plush office and now I can't send the kids to college and to boot I'm stuck at home with the wife every day.  I mean it's not my children's fault their Daddy's a genius so why should they be punished?  What am I supposed to do now that my life's work is done and dusted?  Star gazing?  Why bother, it's all been documented so where's the excitement?  I thought about taking up running but I'd get the same results through a well controlled diet.  If we hadn't cured depression last week I could at least occupy myself by gradually harbouring a sombre self-destructive mindset but frankly I have lost all my worldly direction."

"I've been lumbered."

This sentiment was mimicked by Chemistry teacher Stan Slap, "After the press conference was held I immediately got an email from the Headmaster saying that the Science Department had ceased to exist and we were all been drafted into help out with the P.E. because of the increasing popularity in Sports Science classes.  I tried to tell him that we'd put an end to that and the increase was due to the new hottie Ms. George, but he wouldn't hear it so I've been lumbered with the netball because I was late calling dibs on the footie.  School sucks now."

The last test tube wonder is born.

With forced retirement looming for ex-scientists, disgruntled workers across the globe have already set up the not so secret organisation STUPID (Scientists To Unhappily Produce Idiotic Designs), whose primary goal is to seek out fictitious claims of new phenomenon and scientific curiosities that warrant expert scientific investigation.  Luckily authorities tagged the group's Facebook page as potentially frustrating and have already shut it down.

No one was more annoyed at the loss of Science than local biologist and wildlife expert Atkin Stump, "This thing isn't as clear cut as my colleagues would have you believe.  My research into badger's mating habits in disused industrial silos was far from over but all of a sudden my work is being rebranded and my contributions are being swept under the rug.  Make no mistake this is a cover up and once I find a magnifying glass I plan to investigate things further and find out what the hell is going on."

"Plans to turn the now."

Indeed the lack of available scientific equipment is partly due to Government recycling plans to turn the now useless equipment into recycling bins, security cameras and bullets.  While in the wake of the announcement microscope burning parties have become a global trend and demonstrate an intense belief in the community's discoveries and finality to all of Science.

Trendy microscope burning party.

Although the declaration was believed to be final, Science cannot be deemed legally 'Sorted' until all research data has been submitted for checking and re-checking by an independent adjudicator.

The person drafted in to oversee these calculations is retired accountant and veteran checker Mr. Kenneth Dullard whose initial results are said to be startling, "From what I can gather there are many inconsistencies sprouting up around a weather forecast in Dundee.  If my calculations are correct it would seem that some data has been fudged which could have a knock on effect of drastic proportions.  If I show you this decimal point here, it should be situated below the isobar and the fact it isn't could mean that Science is far from completed and I'm a God fearing man so I've triple checked my work to make sure that everything is in order."

If the work does prove to be incorrect it would see the Government having to scrap its reassignment programs that would see ex-scientists being drafted into the military in a bid to, "Bring home the decent ones."  Although Downing Street has failed to elaborate on these initial comments the findings of Mr. Dullard have create a great sense of unease in the former Scientific Community as millions of boffins wait with baited breath to see if they have made a colossal mistake.

Cyclist Crashes After Watching Road Collision

by Shaky Parkinson

29-year-old cyclist Ralph Wheel has been named as the third victim in the Oxford Ring Road pile up that took place on Thursday eve.  Eyewitness accounts say that Mr. Wheel was distracted by the nearby road collision that caused him to veer into a lamppost and severe his spinal cord.

"Bam.  He just hit that shit," articulated witness Paula Onlooker, "We heard a snap and that was that.  You can't blame him, it was a really good pile up."

Mr. Wheel's family are said to be distraught but after a good hug they released a statement saying that 'Although they are saddened by events there is no point dwelling on bad times so we've turned Ralph's bedroom into a games room slash sauna.  He did love saunas.'

Local artist Dominic Painter has been commissioned to create a memorial sculpture using the mangled frame of Mr. Wheel's bike.  "It'll be a harrowing depiction of a vicious fatality crossed with a new age Brazilian colour scheme," motioned Painter, "It will be called 'Spinal Rap' and will be my most linguistic piece yet."

Mr. Wheel wasn't the final victim of the crash.  A second Eye Witness wasn't quite so lucky when a ninth car entered the fray causing debris to spaz her in the face leaving her with permanent blindness and a further injury occurred at the nearby John Radcliffe Hospital when one Dr. Foster received an icky paper cut off the case file.

Thames Valley Police are urging bystanders to be, "Vigilant as to their position and to dismount any moving vehicle when observing any entertaining scenes.  We advise caution and in that respect only you can go wrong."

Even still the tragedy has deeply affected the community with the local Driving School contemplating a ten-minute silence and Mrs. Pat's Bakery doing a special remembrance bicycle shaped cookie for 30p.

"Unfortunately this sort of thing is on the rise," bustled Police Officer Reginald Halt, "This is the eighth accident in as many months and frankly I blame the lack of quality television.  We've had two deaths involving bus collisions, another enthusiast who crashed after catching sight of a Lance Armstrong cutout and one who simply rode off a ravine because of a Lidl billboard advertisement.  If we don't make the British roads a less interesting place to be then we are going to see more distraction induced deaths.

Mr. Wheel is being buried yesterday at the Hillside Grave n' Grill.

Threesomes To Combat Birth Defects

by Shaky Parkinson

A controversial genetic study has been established to discover whether the effects of a three-way will be able to cure birth defects in children.  The plan is to get two lady bits and a man bit and then make it so babies aren't born stupid anymore.

"It's a big step forward," says research director Dr. Foster, "We're basically fucking around with things to make the most perfect baby we can, just like in that film Gattaca and that guy went into space.  Theoretically there shouldn't be any problems but they said plastic surgery is fine too and look how that's been abused.  In my opinion this is all top notch stuff."

From our brief research News Guff can report that the words mitochondria and battery have been used but in what context no one can understand.  It seems initial research is proving far less sexy than originally promised and this has angered a large number of sexually repressed groups.

"We wanted something juicy to protest against," claims Evangelical Minister A. Twat, "But as far as we can make out this three way nonsense is all very clinical and disgusting.  There are no whips, whipping or whipped cream and frankly very minimal male involvement.  This isn't really worth the time."

"What we're doing is radical," continues Foster, "We're fusing two eggs together sprinkling on a splash of cum and then all the good things will create a baby that doesn't have the bad bits.  Three-parent IVF treatment is nothing to worry about.  Despite the name there will be no sex and probably no six limbed children."

"I dunno about this," claimed activist Mr. N. Parker, "It'll put a lot of health professionals out of work and it does go against the whole notion of creation.  On the plus side there will be less wheel chairs about.  Tough choice."

Such risky sexual activity has been widely encouraged throughout history but it is thought this might be one step too far.  "Call me old fashioned but I'm not having a threesome in a laboratory," cited one enthusiast, "Where's the magic?"

"I understand people have their concerns," furthered Foster, "At first I couldn't understand the process.  I thought a threesome was for fun but now I see it can save the world too.  We should all be having them.  I get asked many questions and I'm here to dispel the myths.  Like the fact that by using two eggs we do run the risk of creating more women, but on the plus side that should mean there will be more sexy ones to look at.  That's fact, not speculation."

Conspiracy theorist Jed Barnes author of radical news-sheet 'IT'S NOT FUCKING SWAMP GAS!!!' has spoken out about the proposed tests.  "It's a scam," he commented during a secret phone interview, "Think about it, more women, more shopping, more needless clothes, something isn't right.  We're fucked man, fucked."

The preliminary tests at Newcastle University have already seen numerous picketing and it is hoped the situation will escalate when news of the sexy tests become known to the public.  There have already been fifty thousands applicants applying for the project one of which is Ed Cummings, "If I'm accepted this will change my life, having a threesome to save the world.  I'll be like Superman or Christian Bale."

"It's been an easy sell," concluded Foster, "People can't wait for the results.  I can't move for the grants being sent my way.  It's touching to know people are so enthusiastic about three-ways."

Tubbies To Taste Tiredness

by Shaky Parkinson

A shock report has claimed that the NHS in Scotland has seen a 25% rise in sleep disorders with 80% of sufferer's showing signs of obesity.  "The main culprit appears to be Sleep Apnoea," stated Dr. Tom Mackay of Edinburgh's Royal Infirmary, "The patients fat neck squishes down their windpipe causing them to suck their airway closed, much like that of sucking up a milkshake.  We believe the motions that have become habitual are transferring themselves into a nocturnal setting.  Either that or the word suck is very misplaced."

He continued, "The resultant lack of oxygen has caused people to wake up, die or pass out at the wheel.  Thus causing a crummy nights sleep, death and proof that obesity can kill.  We've been prescribing diets and jogging but it seems that most of these people enjoy being fat."

The Guff met up with one Survivor at her favourite burger joint, "I knew that after I had technically died it was time to hit the salads.  Now I no longer snore and I'm still alive.  Although I am being treated for clown related nightmares."

It appears this new report has sent shock waves through the fast food industry with a mandatory extra slice of lettuce being added to every burger sold nationwide.  "Hey, we're just trying to do our bit," said King Ronald, Burger Mogul, we can't have all our customers dying, that's bad for business.  This Afro isn't holding its colour as well as it used to and the price of hair dye is a fucking joke."

Despite the seriousness of the report certain organisations have deemed the statistics as localised.  "You did say these results are from the Scotland?" asked Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "Well there's your answer.  If you've ever seen the school lunch rush in Musselburgh you'll have no cause to fear this down in the South East."

Either way the rise in the number of rough nights being attributed to the cheeseburger cannot probably be a bad or good thing although it might be very tasty.  "It's an outrage," continued the Survivor, "First they kill Elvis and now they are determined to ruin my life.  When will these delicious bastards be stopped?"

The situation has apparently gotten so bad that the British Lung Foundation has used the word 'Priority'.



Oh, and Steve Jobs died but we figured someone else would cover that one.

Miliband Contracts Labouritus

by Shaky Parkinson

Fears were confirmed today when Labour Leader Ed Miliband was diagnosed with Labouritus.  Reactions of shock and dismay rattled through the party with some MP's going as far as to take their own jobs.

Symptoms were noticed earlier today when Miliband was unable to recall the forerunner for the Scottish Labour Party Leadership.  During the press conference with BBC's Westminster Correspondent, Tim Reid, Miliband was unable to bring the name of party favourite Ken Macintosh MSP to mind amidst his droll babblings.

"Labouritus is a serious affliction," claimed Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "It is a rare disease seemingly afflicting any head of the Labour Party.  It usually takes a few months to make itself known but once it does it can seriously affect speech, appearance, public image while leave serious scars on any political career.  There is no official cure but experiments into charisma are proving successful.  In the meantime we advise Mr. Miliband to stay indoors away from all video and audio equipment and if at all possible to take a vow of silence until the General Election."

Other politicians have not fared well in the face of Labouritus.  Former Number Ten occupier, Gordon Brown suffered from the disease for his entire term in office.  "It was a gruesome case," continued Foster, "By the end he was nothing more than a walking ball of hate and filth.  Mr. Brown had a rare strain of the rare disease.  The only thing that kept him alive was a self-loathing public who were greedily bent on self-destruction.  Once that got taken away from him he was done for."

"We've seen it all before," commented Mr. Mister of Royal College London, "First it's a wrong name then you're on the streets slagging off the electorate.  Then come the abuse allegations and by then it's all over.  The whole thing is very sad and we hope Mr. Miliband can pull through and be able to live a purposeful life."

Ed Balls had this too say, "It's a bit of a shock.  We weren't expecting this until after Christmas.  He's done his best and laid the groundwork but we'll begin the transition and start getting things changed at the top.  The Docs have given him nine months, which was very, very kind of them.

Miliband has already seen a number of specialists but so far the prognosis is unanimously bad.