"It could be anywhere," says Man from Crater

by Shaky Parkinson

No wreckage has yet been found of NASA's UARS satellite that crashed into the earth earlier today.  "See, we were right," claimed Mark Matney, NASA's orbital debris scientist, "It all burnt up in the atmosphere and the rest sort of landed in the sea."

It seems reports have been flooding in from disappointed people across the United States who were looking forward to a bit of sad excitement.

"This is bullshit," stated Marge Printpress, "When someone states a satellite is going to crash land you expect someone to get hurt and we didn't even see a stubbed toe."

"Like the rest of us I was setting my sights on a spectacular 'I told you so', and now I'm really bored," whinged Donny Poppins of Seattle.

NASA has commented by saying, "We told you this was going to happen. You little shits just wanted us to fuck up something else so you'd have another thing to bitch about.  Well fuck you!"

"Don't believe them," cited conspiracy theorist and warlock Timmy Knowles, "We already have amateur footage of what appears to be lasers shooting something out of the sky at the exact moment of re-entry.  And if you fiddle with some numbers it conclusively proves that the lasers must have come from Cape Kennedy."

"No they didn't," butted in Matney.

"Well what do you make of the huge crater situated outside Boise where there is a supposed Man saying, 'It could be anywhere?" countered Timmy.

"We have proof that this report is nothing more than a drummed up hoax being circulated by a fool on his third-rate satirical news blog," replied Matney.

Timmy then responded with, "We know there is a cover up of something or someone or maybe even a thing that is of a thing that has weird parts stuck on it.  Whatever it is we aren't being told about it is being covered up."

"Of course we don't tell you everything moron," thundered Matney, "You cannot be privy to all the information you desire on a whim.  If you want to enlist in the NASA training program and work for the knowledge then be my guest.  For example, do you really believe that the ring of sincerity prevailing within the retail sector is a true depiction of honesty?  No.  We didn't screw up and no one got hurt so suck it."

Luckily no one was hurt in the crash but it is hoped that a body or a dead family pet will materialise soon.  Still as time goes on the chances of finding anyone dead are getting slimmer and slimmer.