NHS Canteen's To Get Foreign Makeover

by Shaky Parkinson

After a number of disgruntled comments from the suggestion box the NHS has decided to outsource its catering sector to foreign investors.  It appears a wave of discontent has broken out across many top leading institutions throughout the UK and in a bid to keep standards high the Government is planning to allow foreign investment into many UK hospitals.

"Everyone loves curry right?  Problem solved," beamed Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, "We aren't privatising the NHS, we just thought that patients would prefer a post colostomy curry than some mouldy brown salad.  Beans and chips aren't going to cut it in this Jamie Oliver Snail FUCK! Smith sort of world."

After breaking for a quick Chicken Vindaloo Lansley was back with, "What we are planning to do is bring up all NHS canteen's to a level of pretension that rivals that of the best London bistro.  Once we've souped up this kitchen you'll be shitting bricks."

After his runaway success with the rebranding of Little Chef, Heston Blumenthal is being dragged in to create a public friendly menu to suit injuries of any scale, "We've got snail toast for the fractures and frozen piss cream for tonsillitis but I've yet to make any progress with the cancer patients," he scoffed earlier today.

"I'm for it," said one Vox Pop, "I pay my taxes and I think it is about time the NHS offered me up a few choice cuts with my leg amputation.  If I wanted chips I could go to the freezer, what I want is an experience that I cannot get at home.  They already have the awkward room share and that weird metal thing to piss in but so far the food isn't up to scratch."

"My jelly is crap," fumed brain surgery survivor, Richard Head, "When will they learn."  It seems the range of Greek salads, curries, fresh pizzas and Turkish kebabs has already proven a success during its trial period and is set to go national next month.

"This is going to be great," smiled Lansley, "We'll get the best in food the world has to offer.  We're changing the whole face medicine.  Once I drag up some research that links feta cheese with a cancer cure we're set.  Hey, if this works we might as well source out the whole lot.  Gotta go my Kulfi is here."