Food To Kill Again

by Shaky Parkinson

It seems scientists are at it again with this seconds scare involving low-fat yogurt, pregnancy and Asthma.  The European Respiratory Society have today unveiled research claiming that pregnant women eating low-fat yogurt will put their children at a greater risk of contracting Asthma, and probably cancer, that shit gets everywhere.

"We surveyed over 70,000 Danish Woman and it all makes sense," claimed lead study author, Ekaterina Maslova, "The lack of fatty acids in the yogurt clearly demonstrate that these children are fucked and will be struggling for air for the rest of eternity."

"This has nothing to do with breast milk or normal milk or indeed that soya crap," she furthered, "But it is clear that normal yogurt is the way forward if you are preggers and anyone who cares about their unborn fetus should listen to what we say and take our recommendations as concrete fact.  But only if we're right."

Many sensible people have been quick to ignore the study with Roger Buffing of Medical College Oxford having this to say, "I have this to say, the fact is we are all fucked.  According to those test tube lovers there is not a food alive that will in some way bring about our untimely end, so they can just jog on.  I currently weigh 390 Stone and so far no diet has worked.  Each and every single one of them is in contradiction with the others.  I've decided that crisps are the way forward.  I've only heard bad things so I want to be ahead of the game when they become healthy."

"They'd need to duplicate the results," stated Asthma UK Research Director, Leanne Metcalf, "I'm not falling for another 'onions cure AIDS' rant.  Either way, this is all speculation and by the time we get to the bottom of it the scare will be long over and no one will care when we find out they were wrong."

After suggesting the usual 'balanced diet' get out clause, the scientists packed up their wagons and hit off on the trail to make camp at the next town.  It is also recommended that if someone is ill that they go to their Local GP, thus absolving the publishers of spreading any misinformation while keeping the white coats firmly placed at the head of reason and logic.