"You're Aware This Is Murder, Right?"

by Shaky Parkinson

In a landmark case a High Court Judge has today ruled that killing someone is murder.  "Oh, it's murder alright," stated the Judge who we can only refer to as J, "If you stop someone living and this causes death, then I'm 99% sure you've just committed murder."

The ruling came this morning when the evidently pissed off family of a brain damaged woman, we'll call her Rose, were legally forced to let her live.  "She'd have never wanted this," wept Rose's daughter Rose 2, "She'd have wanted to die, I'm like 99% sure of it."

It seems that numerous barriers were unearthed during the trial that stopped Rose's family finally doing away with her and getting their hands on the inheritance.  One such problem with the case was the law, the others being the fact that they were arguing for legalised murder and that Rose's entire family are fucking morons albeit incredibly optimistic ones.

The Guff spoke to Rose's second daughter, Rose 3 to hear her justify herself, "She's not much of a talker. She's just so dull which makes the family visits a nightmare.  We even bought her an Xbox 360 but after a few months we realised that the look of vague detachment on her face was a result of the accident.  She hadn't even picked up the controller.  I know in my heart that she would've jumped at the chance to play 'Gears of War III'.  Seeing her ignore it is proof that she wants to die."

We tried to talk to Rose herself but all we gleamed from the interview was some frantic eye movements which truth be told doesn't really fill up the notebook in any satisfying way.  What we can say is that  although 'Gears of War III' is much like its predecessors it lacks the energy and involvement that made the original such an engaging piece of software.

When asked to comment the Jury was unanimous in their verdict, "You're aware this is murder, right?"

"Believe it or not," continued J, "But we actually want people to live.  Despite its numerous flaws the law is very optimistic in its approach to lengthy suffering.  We like seeing people alive and by gum we'll do everything in our power to uphold that belief."

"We are completely and resolutely upset and disappointed and upset," claimed Yogi Amin, the representative of Rose's family, "We cannot believe that in this day and age we cannot legally kill people.  I mean this isn't like a gunfight in a salon, this is a simple family matter, without violence, to end the life of someone we are pretty sure wants to die.  She didn't hear that did she?"

Rose's family have claimed that the fight isn't over and come hell or high water their beloved mother will soon be gracing the gate of the God she seems so ready to shit on.