"English Channel Not Good Enough" Claims Walliams

by Shaky Parkinson

Sport Relief Lord, David Walliams is back in the limelight after his 100 mile swim down the River Thames kicked off in Lechdale, Gloucestershire yesterday.  The funny man has charged himself with swimming the entire length of the waterway, culminating in applause at Big Ben in just over a week's time.

"This is going to be even bigger than when I swam the English Channel," he commented, "Do you remember that?  When I swam the English Channel?  It was a few years ago, I think it was 2006 you must remember it?  It takes someone special to swim the English Channel.  It was tough but I did it."

After some editing he continued with, "Well this swim is going to be SEVEN TIMES longer than the English Channel.  I mean come on. SEVEN TIMES. Whaaaaat!"  Asked why he is wasting his time Walliams commented, "SEVEN TIMES!!!"  It seems the Sport Relief bug just won't go away with this years venture set to massively outshine his previous fund raising challenge of cycling from John O'Groats to Lands End.  "SEVEN TIMES!!!"

The charity swim is set to literally bring out the punters with humour conservationists planning a demonstration on Tuesday with the proposed plan of sinking Walliams just outside Oxford.  "His damage to the written word has been absolute, all we can do now is hope to stop him before this publicity train inflicts more damage on our combined consciousness," claimed Donald Dunk, Protest Leader, "I'm still suffering from post-traumatic stress after watching the pilot episode of Little Britain.  I thought we'd ridden ourselves of this grease ball but he keeps coming back."

"SEVEN TIMES!!!" shouted a now distant Walliams as he waved to the amassed crowds.  The swim which is set to see Walliams arrive in London next Monday after his 140 mile struggle will hopefully raise enough money for Sport Relief to construct another pointless inner city athletics field.

"People aren't running enough," claimed Kevin Cahill, former Chief Executive of Comic Relief, "Children spend all their time indoors playing interactive video games and watching top quality American television instead of being out on a sports pitch in the pissing rain throwing an over weighted ball of iron an unsatisfying five feet.  When I was young I loved nothing more than to run around in circles jumping over awkwardly placed obstacles and satisfyingly fail to volt over a ludicrously placed pole.  I just don't understand the youth of today."

It is hoped the ego boost will force Walliams into hiding for a further twelve months but the drooling praise being showered upon the star no doubt means we'll be hearing about this on third rate comedy panel shows for years to come.

"SEVEN TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES!!!"