Army Outraged At Car-Bomb Attack

by Shaky Parkinson

The Armed Forces are today mourning the loss of 80 US Troops who were killed in a truck bomb attack in Wardak province, Afghanistan.  The attack which occurred within a United States Military base is just one more addition to an increasingly dull and lack luster list of terrorist attacks over the last few years.

"Those bastards," yelled Lieutenant Commander Peter Loud, "What kind of sick game of terrorist are they playing here?  I've seen more ingenuity in a dog kennel.  Those scruffy lay abouts haven't come up with a decent piece of creative killing in over a decade and today's attack was just one to many."

"He's right," agreed Captain Lieutenant Barry Edge, "Another fucking car bomb, are they taking the piss?  If they are trying to force us out through shame they are doing a bloody good job of it.  One more sobbing widow whose fella has bitten the dust from a nondescript car bomb and I'm calling it quits."

"There's just no creativity," continued Loud, "I always thought these gits were given to the idea of free thinking but it seems our regimented strictness is proving more interesting than even their wittiest ideas.  Where are the unicycle bombs, the grenades through the windows?  Even a nutter with a loaded paintball gun would prove a useful distraction.  There are ways to win a war and pussy footing around like girls is not one of them."

When sort for a quote one Terrorist stated, "We have lots of cars, so we use cars.  We don't like cars so much.  Fuck the soldiers and their boredom, why don't they give us some tanks and we can blow them up instead.  We sent Yusuf out to make some kites so we could dive bomb them into the enemies compound but they are shit.  Have you tried strapping dynamite to twine, the weight ratio is obscene.  Sorry I must go.  Have you seen my keys."

"This particular form of violence is becoming widespread throughout the world and is having a serious effect on our troops' moral," claimed Defence Secretary Dr. Liam Fox, "Who wants another death defying blast when we could resign ourselves to the fact that a midget trained in the ways of the force could be lurking around the next corner, just waiting to make his move.  Those are the kind of emotions we need. These Terrorists are damaging moral, creativity and humour."

"We let off three car bombs earlier this year just as an April Fool's joke" chuckled Loud, "I can still see the boys faces, bored senseless.  We did such a good job of it they failed to see the joke.  So you can see how bad it has gotten.  Oh well, next year we're just going to go with the old cling film over the toilet.  With this current lull in Terrorist originality we could use the laughs."

After the shock explosion it was reported that Ross Kemp was patrolling the army base but as of yet has not done anything of use.  It is hoped that new legislation and an influx of troops may do something to spark the Terrorists into action but it is thought the last smidgen of hope was lost during the release of the latest Terrorist trade magazine, 'Car Bomb Weekly'