Cigarette Causes Explosion, or Gas, or Whatever

by Shaky P (I'm trying it out)

75 people were killed today when a fuel pipe exploded under the Sinai slum in Nairobi.  It is believed that a petrol leak was gathering for some time before a disgusting individual whose habits had driven him to the break of insanity relieved himself of a cigarette thus sparking an horrific display of death and destruction throughout the area.

Over a hundred people have been injured in the blast and a recent glance at the death tally has seen fatalities rapidly approach the one hundred way point.  Bodies of those burnt were seen floating in a nearby river while tar stained teeth and clogged vessels were witnessed falling over 1,000 feet away.

"That fucker went up big time," said one Old Man, "I've been sittin' in this here pile of shite for almost fifty year but I ain't ever seen a mother load like that.  Sort of makes things okay.  I ain't ever failin' with that image scared into my retina's."

It is believed the clean up operation may take hours with the cost to property running at a little over seven dollars.  Residents were shocked at the disaster.  None more so than Lungamba Smith, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"It's horrible," reacted another Resident, "You just don't think it's going to happen to you.  We're used to all the frozen piss spikes falling through our roofs because of the airport but a cigarette smoker is something you just can't cope with."

Body parts were seen littering the ground around the crater and a mass crowd had turned up to witness the gigantic hole in the ground left there.  "Someone said there was a gas leak so I came over as fast as I could," claimed one Nairobian, "If this is what smoking does I'm making sure the kids get hooked on liquor before it's too late."

One resident, Mr. Jumba Evans was tucking into his tea when the explosion occurred.  "Forget second hand smoke, I got second hand lung in my potatoes," he ranted, "First there was a whoosh, then a burp then a big fuck off bang.  My hearts are with the family's but why couldn't this have happened on fish scraping night?"

Of course smoking campaigners were quickly on the scene to drive home their cause and show what a little bit of lung love can do to a neighbourhood.  We spoke to Miss Elma Waddle, chairwoman of SMUG (Smoking Makes Unhealthy Gums) and this is what she had to say, "We tried to warn you, we did we did, but you didn't listen and now you're looking at a broken homes and a mass grave.  See, we told you this would happen.  It only takes one cigarette butt and a few tonnes of leaking fuel and you have a disaster on your hands.  I hope you're happy and if you aren't then it serves you right."

It seems Kenya cannot catch a break with the Government issuing a category five 'Shit's Law Warning' that prohibits the use of thumbtacks, cling film and all versions of Windows 7.  "Fuck," said Prime Minister Raila Odinga, "Fuck."