Man Elects Himself As Nations' Biggest Twat

by Shaky Parkinson

Imminent world improvement
narrowly avoided.

Struggling introvert Trenton Oldfield has today pulled off the greatest feet of twattyness in all of history by pissing on the nation he calls home.  Trenton (soon to be known and ridiculed as 'That Twat') was today found swimming in the river Thames lying in wait to sabotage the University Boat Race that was subsequently won by Cambridge.

After ten minutes of rowing both teams were in joint first until the race was halted when That Twat decided to obstruct passage with a feeble and self-centred protest.  "I had a point to make," he gassed, "And that is that I need to be seen more and people need to talk about me and I need to be the centre of everything.  Who cares about a silly race, I was the real prize and now millions of lives will be changed because of me. I feel pretty special."

"THAT TWAT!"

That Twat's obstruction of the race lead to a thirty-one minute halt and a restart at the halfway line in which Oxford rower Hanno Wienhausen broke an oar when it became tangled with that of their rivals.  From then on the race became an eight vs. seven affair and it was clear there would only be one winner.

"That Twat has ruined seven months worth of work and planning," stated Oxford University Boat Club President, Karl Hudspith, "This colossal bellend and Cunt has taken away everything we have trained for.  This is the culmination of our careers and he has taken it from us. You may be the Nation's Biggest Twat, but you can still bleed bitch."

"THAT TWAT!"

That Twat, ecstatic at his pole
clinging performance.  

"I didn't do anything wrong," blamed That Cunt, "I was just out looking for a good seat right in front of the cameras, so it's not my fault if I got in the way.  Life is a game and now I'm winning.  Being the Nation's Biggest Twat is going to open up some doors."

"Twat!" comment race umpire John Garrett.

"Cunt!" stated officer Sergeant Chris Tranter.

"Puss ridden bellend!" indicated Oxford Coach Sean Bowden.

"Twat!" added Oxford bow Alexander Woods.

That Twat is currently under questioning while the fullest extent of the law is researched.  "We are currently working on the hypothesis that execution is illegal," claimed Judge Paul Girth, "But don't fear we've got some crack lawyers working on this case and we're confident a satisfactory result can be achieved."

"English Channel Not Good Enough" Claims Walliams

by Shaky Parkinson

Sport Relief Lord, David Walliams is back in the limelight after his 100 mile swim down the River Thames kicked off in Lechdale, Gloucestershire yesterday.  The funny man has charged himself with swimming the entire length of the waterway, culminating in applause at Big Ben in just over a week's time.

"This is going to be even bigger than when I swam the English Channel," he commented, "Do you remember that?  When I swam the English Channel?  It was a few years ago, I think it was 2006 you must remember it?  It takes someone special to swim the English Channel.  It was tough but I did it."

After some editing he continued with, "Well this swim is going to be SEVEN TIMES longer than the English Channel.  I mean come on. SEVEN TIMES. Whaaaaat!"  Asked why he is wasting his time Walliams commented, "SEVEN TIMES!!!"  It seems the Sport Relief bug just won't go away with this years venture set to massively outshine his previous fund raising challenge of cycling from John O'Groats to Lands End.  "SEVEN TIMES!!!"

The charity swim is set to literally bring out the punters with humour conservationists planning a demonstration on Tuesday with the proposed plan of sinking Walliams just outside Oxford.  "His damage to the written word has been absolute, all we can do now is hope to stop him before this publicity train inflicts more damage on our combined consciousness," claimed Donald Dunk, Protest Leader, "I'm still suffering from post-traumatic stress after watching the pilot episode of Little Britain.  I thought we'd ridden ourselves of this grease ball but he keeps coming back."

"SEVEN TIMES!!!" shouted a now distant Walliams as he waved to the amassed crowds.  The swim which is set to see Walliams arrive in London next Monday after his 140 mile struggle will hopefully raise enough money for Sport Relief to construct another pointless inner city athletics field.

"People aren't running enough," claimed Kevin Cahill, former Chief Executive of Comic Relief, "Children spend all their time indoors playing interactive video games and watching top quality American television instead of being out on a sports pitch in the pissing rain throwing an over weighted ball of iron an unsatisfying five feet.  When I was young I loved nothing more than to run around in circles jumping over awkwardly placed obstacles and satisfyingly fail to volt over a ludicrously placed pole.  I just don't understand the youth of today."

It is hoped the ego boost will force Walliams into hiding for a further twelve months but the drooling praise being showered upon the star no doubt means we'll be hearing about this on third rate comedy panel shows for years to come.

"SEVEN TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES!!!"