The Weeks Gossip From Perth

by Shaky Parkinson

Last weeks Commonwealth Summit saw 54 heads of state convene in Perth for a bit of a get together.  News Guff's man on the beach, Shaky Parkinson, was there to cover the event.

This gathering of politicians was set to change the face of thinking and get some stuff sorted out and from my detailed research I can safely say that the summit's biggest impact was made in the pudding section of the buffet cart.  And who can blame them, the food was top notch, the service second to none and that cute little blonde number serving the crabs was nothing but a vision.

I also heard rumours that Barbados and the Maldives spent a few interesting moments in the chalet and the Queen had a wonderful time pretending to be interested in her irritatingly numerous subjects.  Sri Lanka's Uncle was also let loose on the bar after slipping free of his health care worker and spent a pleasant week harassing the local talent and getting plastered on gin.  Iain Duncan Smith was also seem practising his dive bombing in the pool and by Friday had gotten it down to a fine art, being able to splash the Solomon Islands with deceptive ease.  I think they would have been more upset if they'd been conscious but they don't get away from the wives to often and the tequila blammer's really took their toll.

As usual the annual twister contest was won by Pakistan but the trophy giving hit new heights of hilarity when India got jealous and botched an attempt at sabotage that resulted in Ghana's Nan getting a full tank in the face from a Super Soaker 2100v.

On the downside someone who has yet to be identified left one mean smelling creation in the lads' toilets and by all accounts the finger is being pointed at you Tuvalu.  Maybe you do things differently out there on the Pacific Rim but there is no excuse for that kind of activity being present at such a significant political get together.  Cameroon's Mum was almost sick and once the smell got sucked into the vents the buffet had to be postponed for the afternoon.  Maybe you did it, maybe you didn't but Trinidad and Tobago were playing hide and seek when they saw you leave the restroom and you know well enough that they can't lie.

Right, it's been a hectic week and Shaky needs him some beauty sleep.  Front side down, after sun on.  Bingo.

Eating Meat Deemed Cruel, Legally

by Shaky Parkinson

A bill has today been presented to the House of Commons that if passed will see the banning of all meat consumption in the UK.  There is outcry everywhere with the bill starting widespread conflict and rioting throughout the nation.

"This needs to happen," claims Animal Welfare Campaigner, Mrs. Bacon Stodge, "Animals are being killed and then eaten.  What kind of ancient barbaric ritual are we practicing in this country?  We've found ways to make things taste like meat without actually eating it so this legislation shouldn't change anything, except give Quorn a more verbal airing."

"This is complete balls," claimed Birdseye President Christopher J. Puma, "No one in their right mind is going to give up their meat without a fight.  Although on the other hand these nutbags are in a minority and they always tend to get their way so there is certainly cause for danger.  This would make Clarence Birdseye turn in his grave.  In fact could you stay clear of the deep freeze compartments because that is where he goes to chill out and news like this could really spoil his afterlife."

"I'm sick of these damn veggies," exclaimed butcher, Pat Shat, "All they do is whinge and protest and whinge.  Maybe they would put up a better argument if they had the strength for debate that only a pork rib can provide.  Linda McCartney made them some bloody sausages, what more do they want?  Next they'll have veggie black pudding.  It's a disgrace, that's ours."

Could you say no to that burger?

We spoke to one Out-and-about on the subject, "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our BACOOOOON!!!"

Another had this to say, "You can take my civil liberties, you can take away my right to vote, you can bend me over and fuck me until I'm blue, but there is no way you're taking away my chicken Ragalosh.  That's just the way it is."

When asked if the nationwide rioting due to her proposed legislation is a good thing, Mrs. Stodge replied, "The riots are fine as long as no animals get hurt in the proceedings."  When greeted with the knowledge that human beings are animals too Mrs. Stodge commented, "In some respects the working class are animals, but not biologically dear.  Don't let their barbaric ways and beer guts fool you, they are just like you and eh, your colleagues.  Simply out to kill anything they can eat and this is the thought that sickens me."

When asked to comment about the situation David Cameron sighed, "Please tell me that isn't a serious question?"  Even Ed Miliband had more constructive ways to spend his remaining time in office.  Presumably rearranging his name plate and ordering more stationary.

The Bill is set to pass from the Commons into the House of Lords on Thursday but the resulting clash with steak night is thought to spell doom to proceedings.

Stop Everything, MasterChef Are Praising Another Rugby Player

by Shaky Parkinson

Former England Rugby Captain Phil Vickery has become the second rugby player to win Celebrity MasterChef.  Vickery took the top prize amidst a haze of scallops and lamb fillet forcing fellow contestants Kirsty Wark and Nick Pickard into a miserable second place.

"Who says miracles can't happen?" claimed Vickery, "Now it feels like I've done something really important with my life.  Something the kids will be able to remember me for."

"That man is in love with his dinner," blabbed MasterChef host Gregg Wallace, "He put all his weight behind that meal and came out ball in hand to take the try.  If his meal were a conversion it'd be worth thirty points.  I love rugby and food, who cares he won."

"We had to give him the prize," cited host John Torode, "It takes more than the average man to cater lunch for the crew of BBC's Spooks.  Spies work up an appetite fighting terrorists and Phil was there to make sure they got the job done.  He's a national treasure and he has saved the world."

Asked what he was going to do next Mr. Vickery said he would, "Probably just go home. Got some tidying to do."

It's Murder On The Dancefloor

by Shaky Parkinson

Nabila Nanfuka, a student form London has been killed during a stampede at a Northampton nightclub.  Lava and Ignite was hosting its annual DNA Presents Wickedest Wickedest night when the tragedy occurred, leaving family and friends inconsolable at their loss at the hands of such a horrifically entitled event.

It is thought the cause of the stampede was due to a sudden rush for the bus queue after the DJ told Groover's that the evening was at an end, "Fuck that shit," claimed one Partygoer, "I'm not missing my bus for no one.  I don't care who gets in my way.  I gotta get me some shuteye.  Pow."

It was this attitude that caused the fire alarm to be activated in encouragement thus invoking the student swarm that trampled Nabila and left others even worse for wear.  After hearing the first three chimes of the alarm and the self-preservation mindset was quickly taken on board by all and chaos quickly ensued, as it so often does.  

"It's a fluke that there was only one death," cited one Doctor Foster who treated Nanfuka upon her arrival at hospital, "We had a few sprained ankles but otherwise things didn't turn out too bad.  In all fairness Nabila was stood in a room full of sixteen hundred morons and was fully aware of the risks when she entered the club.  My thoughts are with her family, but then again they are also with my supper so I don't know how they want to take that."

There has of yet been no statement from the owners of Lava and Ignite although it is assumed they are right in it.  We are also unsure what music, if any, was playing during the frightful event but it is this reporter's hope that Sophie Ellis Bextor was duly getting the appreciation she deserves.

"It's Called Battle For A Reason," Claims Man In Battle

by Shaky P (It's back)

As winter sets in and archaeologists are once again forced to down tools and turn their attention to their textbooks, a fresh debate is being raged within the historical community as to the exact location of the Battle at Hastings.  For centuries the Battlefield has always thought to lie on the appropriately named village of Battle in East Sussex.

It is now being argued that the actual site of the battle lies two miles down the road at the nearby hamlet of Crowhurst.  "It must be in Crowhurst," whinged historian Arthur Past, "We don't have much to go on but if we dug up the area and did some investigation I'm sure we would be proven right.  Or not."

He went on to waffle, "It is hugely important to get the exact location spot on.  We cannot understand the battle if we are looking at it in a different way.  How will we ever understand the mind of King Harold without such vital information?"

When told that after a millennia there isn't a place on Earth that would look the same Mr. Past was unfortunately hitting the tea and biscuits and we were unable to pursue the argument, although the words, "It could be the same," were heard murmured through a mouthful of soggy Battenburg.

Battle is proud of its heritage and it has been a tourist trap for hundreds of years.  "It's called Battle for a reason," claimed one Local, "You wouldn't stand in London and say it was Calcutta would you?  Morons."

Jane Downer who runs the local gift shop was very passionate about the theory, "It's bollocks," she screeched, "These historians are just bored again.  We get this every winter but it'll blow over in a month or two.  I hardly think someone in the past would just up and change the location of such a significant Battle without good reason," she huffed from amidst the shadows of the Bayeux Tapestry prints.

After hearing about the theory, the Local Amateur Historians Club of nearby Catsfield were quick to issue a statement claiming, "We had the Battlefield way before Battle did.  Forget Crowhurst we are point three miles closer to Battle and are the rightful owners of the site.  It is locally known that Battle stole it from us in 1323.  Catsfield used to be named 'It's Here' but after the theft we had to change our name and the only thing we had of note was the fucking Cat Sanctuary and we've been unhappy with it since."

Annette Downey, Landlady of The Plough in Crowhurst says, "We don't want that shit coming here and ruining our village.  They can keep it."

Professor Mick Michael Mitchelson of Oxford University and expert in everything has contributed, "The site could be anywhere.  The true location doesn't matter, we'll just follow around the money.  Who knows what the Norman's got up to?  And the Tudor's were a damn nightmare.  I don't think there has been a more indecisive moment in our entire history.  To be honest I don't really care, it's not like we won."

It seems news of the argument has headed as far North as the Outer Hebrides with one Nick Hutch claiming, "The Battle of Hastings originally took place on the Isle of Lewis as far back as 678 and I've got photos to prove it."

Whatever the outcome, it seems the matter will always be in dispute until further evidence can be found to support the claims and it will be many years before Battle has to give up its booming tourist trade, if at all.

5, 6, 7, 8, The Number One's Just Keep Coming

by Shaky Parkinson

After a ten-year absence from the pop charts, Steps have once again hit the top spot with their second 'Greatest Hits' album.  The CD debuted straight in at the top spot prompting much cheering from Steps HQ who are taking the news enthusiastically.

"It's pretty top notch stuff," stated Lee Latchford-Evans, "We've left things late on purpose.  Now that every other pop group of the last twenty years has reunited we've been able to appreciate their failings and make sure we steer clear of the pit falls, like being shit and hugely disliked."

"We put the reality program into production as soon as the reunion was green lit," claimed manager Tim Byrne, "You can't get a number one without a reality television show behind you so we thought it best to get that over and done with, it's just common sense.  Admittedly it was awkward at first.  When 'H' and Claire quit the band back in '01 it left some scars.  I'll never forget Faye's face when her boxing day was ruined with the news that her career was over.  But things are fine now.  They've all matured."

"Bitch," claimed Faye (Blonde one), "Those tossers ruined Christmas for me.  I understand that H's therapy was becoming far more necessary and Claire (Also blonde) was scheduled to leave and become the token fat one, but that really put a downer on my day."

"We could all use the cash," stated H, "Except Lee, he was just happy to have someone to talk to.  Still, money doesn't grow on trees and I ploughed all my earnings into money trees.  You have to learn the hard way."  When asked what the 'H' stood for he looked perplexed, "I've got no idea, my name's Ian.  We used to have things written down for us, let me track down Tim and I'll get back to you."

With the group in high spirits it seems a safe bet that a Christmas song is likely to hit the shelves around Christmas time.  Although the whole group are crossing their fingers and preying their luck doesn't run the way of the Spice Girls.

Yokel Finds Batcave, and Listeners

by Shaky Parkinson

Cretin's current project (Begun 1976)

Local yokel Wilbur Cretin has today laid down claims that he has uncovered The Batcave and that it is buried underneath his shed.  A rant was quickly organised at Cretin's local drinking establishment, The Dick and Duck.

Amid slurs Wilbur is said to have, "Tripped over a Batarang that was sticking lodged under some turf in the garden.  After I got out the shovel and dug down I found myself a Batcave."

Pressed by the press Wilbur elaborated, "There wer' all sort o' gadgets and gizmo' down there.  I found this one ting tha' look very much like a utility belt but I was out of soap so as couldn't clean up tha logo.  But it twas mighty sospicious."

Asked if he thought that this Batcave predated the current Bale Hangout, Cretin had this to say, "I'm no genius, but my cave 'ad plans for Gotham City's foundation and a list o' possible names."  Upon examination the beer soaked scrap clearly showed the favourite choice for the now Gotham City was actually Bollocksville. The numerous signatures, ticks and comments such as, 'I like this one best' have led current Mayor Sebastian Hady to draw up plans for a renaming ceremony.

Cretin has already laid out plans for a Batman style theme park including museum, Batcafe and villain themed petting zoo.  The excitement was only broken up when Cretin's next door neighbour, one Mr. S. Mear claimed that his rockery covers half of the cave's most notable features, specifically the toilets.

The dispute lasted sometime until finally a truce was offered on the condition that S. Mear gets to name all the pets in the zoo after his Great Aunt Patricia Penguin.  A quick rendition of the Batman Theme concluded events and a date for the park's opening was set for yesterday.

Batman was unavailable for comment.

"It's Nice To Sir You, Sir You, Nice!"

by Shaky Parkinson

After a ropey headline News Guff has decided to push ahead with its coverage of Sir Bruce Forsyth's Knighthood.  The announcement of this impending pun came way back during June in the Queen's Birthday Honours List.  Since then Brucey has been tapping his heels to the beat of life and generally feeling pretty fantastic.  "I'm very proud my career hasn't been in vain," he was overheard quoting, "And I'd like to big up the press for supporting me all the way and making today possible.  Keep it real fuckers."

Below is a transcript taken from News Guff's live radio coverage of the event.

"Here comes Brucey.  Oh, I do like that wiggle, very stylish.  Classic, subtle and very sexy.  He's going down on one knee.  Don't worry folks he's not proposing, although you'd be hard press to say no.  There's the sword.  Beautifully handed by Her Majesty.  That's how it should be done.  I think the decision to leave off the full armour and shield combo was probably a good move.  Watch the toupee, watch the toupee!  She's good.  Superb.  Superb.  You can hear the applause ringing out through the palace.  I've seen a fair few Knightings in my time but this is really quite spectacular.  The shoulder placement was just so natural.  God, don't we love the Queen?  Wait.  Wait. What's this?  She's leaning in, maybe she's accepting after all.  I can't quite make that out.  I think the Queen is saying, wait.  Lovely to Sir you, Sir you, nice.


Oooooooooh, they don't like that.  Listen to that silence.  Brucey is not happy.  He's smiling but he's not happy.  Not happy at all.  That's a sour face if ever I've seen one.  Proof that bad humour can ruin even the most special moment.  I think that's the last of the clapping we'll be hearing today.  Such a sad sight.  If you've just joined us you're listening to the 2011 Queen's Birthday Honours List Awards."

Amongst the other recipients were fashion designer Celia Birtwell and author Julia Donaldson whose contributions to literature don't do much in furthering the notion of credibility.  It is hoped that Donaldson's MBE will help lower the bar and aid Katy Price and Kerry Katona in their respective bids for the Queen's next birthday.

"We're Back," Whinge BNP, "And This Time We're Trying Fraud."

by Shaky Parkinson

A former British National Party administrator, Marion Thomas, has claimed that the party falsified invoices to create the illusion of huge debts during the 2010 election simply to detract attention from its fascist standpoint.  Thomas is said to have been sickened by the events, "Apparently I'm sickened by the events.  Falsifying legal documents before submitting them to the Electoral Commission is an horrific act.  It detracts from all our hard work attacking black's and immigrants and in my opinion goes against our party's core ideals."

"We've made a mistake," claimed Nick Griffin, Party Chairman, "The racism angle only had so much mileage.  Rookie mistake.  If we are going for the big votes we're going to have to play the sympathy card.  Besides we could use any press at the moment.  A bit of fraud was a logical step, plus it means we can fudge the accounting and give Danny and the Boys some much needed acting work.  Check it, that's three birds, one stone."

The media strategy thought up by the party has been deemed 'Epic' amongst strategists.  We spoke to Jim Smartypants who was wearing a white coat, "Smashing stuff.  The way they have taken on a new angle to get themselves some sympathy while still harbouring incredibly dangerous racist tendencies is something special.  I'm thinking of adopting the policy on home ground.  A quick word with Mrs. Smartypants claiming that the recession caused us to cut back the handbag allowance and that whole secretary over the desk business will be a thing of the past.  They've got my vote."

"See, we've got his vote," chimed in Griffin.

It is still unclear how the BNP managed to believably falsify debts of £570,000 but the rising cost in baseball bats is being used as a go to.  "Finger pointing and picketing are expensive work," stated Griffin, "And then the photocopier bust so you can see how things spiralled out of control.  We had no choice but to fake the invoices, things were desperate.  We've had no press coverage and our image was sending us into obscurity.  We came this close to a party collapse, then where would democracy have been?  We did this for you Britain.  Even if you disagree with our methods, views and whole manifesto you can at least have a good old bitch about us, and isn't that a reason for voting BNP?"

The BNP deny any wrongdoing but adamantly claim to have been instrumental in any rightdoing.

"Has Anyone Told Them They've Lost?" asks Interim Authority Forces

by Shaky Parkinson

After a fresh bombardment has been launched on the Gaddafi stronghold of Sirte, Rebels are asking themselves some serious questions.  The biggest one being if anyone bothered telling the pro-Gaddafi forces that they have lost.

"I'm pretty sure someone mentioned something," claimed Transitional Government Force Commander, Nasser Abu Zian, "I remember we got together and wrote them a note or something.  It must have been pretty good because we sent out for pizzas and beer halfway through writing it."

It is thought that intense fighting in the city has caused the post to be a bit delayed.  "It's possible that the mail man was amongst the thousands of civilians who fled the city to safety the other day," continued Zian, "But it's just as likely he is dead.  We already have 12 bodies in the room out back and if that was the case we're boned.  All the maps have been blown up and he was the only one who knew the street names.  Then again I'm looking at my book of six 1st Class and there isn't any missing.  It's a mystery, you know the post."

Just to be on the safe side Zian has implemented a blanket advertising campaign of the entire area with special attention being paid to the enemies compound.  He talked us through the plan, "We've brought in some awesome megaphones and banners to be put up around the major roundabouts, not too mention a crack team of flyer distributors who'll be monitoring the streets 24/7.  It was a logical step, what with airtime hitting an all time low price and the cost of constant shelling proving a burden on the food budget.  I'm using the savings to buy myself a hat."

We spoke to Mark Arse of LAME, London Advertising Media Execution, who has been commissioned to produce the campaign.  "We wanted to keep it simple, loud, but simple and also very loud," proclaimed Arse, "Our initial idea of getting the entire NTC to sing a cover of Katy Perry's Lost was met with much criticism so we've gone for the minimalist approach, nothing fancy, a simple 'you've lost' banner knocked out on the photocopier.  We think it's a win."

It is hoped that the advertising campaign will bring about an end to the bloodshed and lead to a peaceful transition into a new democratic Libya.

Internal Memo: FAO: Mr. Mack

Dear 'The Mac',

That's it Jack, you are officially barred from using the staff fridge.  Not only did I find half a Wellington boot lodged firmly into my custard slice but your flagrant disregard for the Marmite policy is proving troublesome.  It's a two to one thing so stop bringing that muck into our canteen.

Not too mention the down right disturbing site of having a cuddly toy staring at me from the top shelf.   If I have to sit through another snack time with the phrase, 'Mr. Cuddles, Protector of the Universe' ingrained on my retinas one more time, I'll kick his ass.

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! NO MARMITE IN THE FRIDGE!!! 

On a side note your current lack of written material is just plain irritating yet your expense claim for the beach house in Malibu is a site for sore eyes.  We agreed to only abuse the expenses up to a £750,000 limit and now there isn't any cash left to pay off my hooker bill.  If you're going to start skimming cash from the Bosses then you have to let us all know so we can join in.  I hate to sound like the twatty kid at the party but unless you set Robbins and me up with a time-share then we'll have no choice to turn to arson.  It's in the staff handbook so stop fannying about.

And if you've finished with it I need my copy of Bambi back, I'm feeling down and need a pick me up.

Cheers

Shaky

Tubbies To Taste Tiredness

by Shaky Parkinson

A shock report has claimed that the NHS in Scotland has seen a 25% rise in sleep disorders with 80% of sufferer's showing signs of obesity.  "The main culprit appears to be Sleep Apnoea," stated Dr. Tom Mackay of Edinburgh's Royal Infirmary, "The patients fat neck squishes down their windpipe causing them to suck their airway closed, much like that of sucking up a milkshake.  We believe the motions that have become habitual are transferring themselves into a nocturnal setting.  Either that or the word suck is very misplaced."

He continued, "The resultant lack of oxygen has caused people to wake up, die or pass out at the wheel.  Thus causing a crummy nights sleep, death and proof that obesity can kill.  We've been prescribing diets and jogging but it seems that most of these people enjoy being fat."

The Guff met up with one Survivor at her favourite burger joint, "I knew that after I had technically died it was time to hit the salads.  Now I no longer snore and I'm still alive.  Although I am being treated for clown related nightmares."

It appears this new report has sent shock waves through the fast food industry with a mandatory extra slice of lettuce being added to every burger sold nationwide.  "Hey, we're just trying to do our bit," said King Ronald, Burger Mogul, we can't have all our customers dying, that's bad for business.  This Afro isn't holding its colour as well as it used to and the price of hair dye is a fucking joke."

Despite the seriousness of the report certain organisations have deemed the statistics as localised.  "You did say these results are from the Scotland?" asked Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "Well there's your answer.  If you've ever seen the school lunch rush in Musselburgh you'll have no cause to fear this down in the South East."

Either way the rise in the number of rough nights being attributed to the cheeseburger cannot probably be a bad or good thing although it might be very tasty.  "It's an outrage," continued the Survivor, "First they kill Elvis and now they are determined to ruin my life.  When will these delicious bastards be stopped?"

The situation has apparently gotten so bad that the British Lung Foundation has used the word 'Priority'.



Oh, and Steve Jobs died but we figured someone else would cover that one.

Nun Bride Defeats Army

by Shaky Parkinson

This Saturday, Delta Force Paintball in Milton Keynes, saw the heroic scene of one Nun's triumph at the hands of twenty opponents.  A pregnant Nun and bride to be, was seen to be out kicking ass amid the cries and yells of a heated Saturday's battling.

The Nun's left and right tactics proved hugely successful and her command of her limited forces has already caused a stir within modern strategist circles.  With ideas such as throwing grenades at those too young too wield them and a full out confident approach to attack, the Nun made a unique impression upon the battlefield.  With cries of, "Get the guy in the tutu, he's pretty good," abounding the field the action was certainly in full swing.

The day came to fruition with a strategic attack upon a bunker containing a seventy strong force.  The surprise attack was proving successful up until the moment Gary ran away.  It was then left to the Nun to take down the three thousand inhabitants of the building with nothing more than ten balls to her name.

The events of the next few minutes are hazy but from information gathered it appears the Nun, in full battle fury, proceeded to wreak havoc on the amassed forces of the opposing army.  It is thought that the loss of her baby earlier on in the foray contributed to her blood lust.

Unfortunately it was this loss and the feeling of abandonment that forced the Nun to excessive drink.  After lovingly harassing a hen night and the staff of Pizza Express Oxford, the Nun was seen practicing her tray spinning skills while rocking the night away.  Luckily one Dr. Tit was on hand to offer up medical advice throughout the night and help the Nun arrive safely home at her convent.

When asked for a quote about her courageous act of defeating a 25,000 strong army the Nun had this to say, "Whoooooooooooooooooooo!"


Love you Dude!

Hottest October On Record

by Shaky Parkinson

Statistics released today have shown this October to be the hottest on record.  Despite being only a single day into the month experts have claimed that the spill over from last month has forced recorded levels to an all time high, thus making it very hot.

"I can't believe it," stated one Shopper, "There is totty everywhere.  Usually when September begins you buckle down into the online porn but for no reason there are scantily clad hotties everywhere.  And Christmas is coming up too.  Result."

We asked noted pervert, Randy Peeps, what he made of the situation.  "It really is an anomaly," he commented, "I've been out and about and cannot find a single reason why the ratio of attractive women is on the increase.  It is baffling, but maybe there are just some things better left unknown and simply appreciated.  PHWOOOOAAAR!!!"

"I'm not sure what is occurring here but I'm getting very hot under the collar and I can say this to be a good thing," continued the Shopper.

"Although this freak occurrence is thoroughly enjoyable it is by no means setting any trends," continued Peeps, "We all know how fickle and unpredictable these things can be but we have to remember that records only go back as far as 1906 and we all know how randy the Victorians were.  I'd recommend we just take things in our stride and simply enjoy the climate.  If we get our hopes up about this becoming a permanent fixture we may end up being very disappointed.  Now pass me those binoculars and that blanket."

Experts say the level of hotties is only going to increase over the coming fortnight and recommend that when leaving your house you should carry with you the appropriate protection.