UK Prepares For Mid-Week Sickie

by Shaky Parkinson

Extreme weather warnings from the Met Office have caused employers to expect a huge rise in absenteeism in the coming week.  With the country heading into a yellow warning due to an increase in temperature in the stratosphere the UK could expect an excuse of -2C freezing, causing minimal amounts of ice and slush to hit the roads.

"It's the weather we've been waiting for," claimed Daniel Pierce of the Met Office, "Personally I found a damp cloudy Christmas wasn't good enough, so it is with belated joy we can claim that in the coming days we are expecting roughly 5cm of snow to fall on the highest points in the UK that will result in a fatal sleet and slush combo in most low lying areas.  With the recent global warming figures hot off the press we will happily be debunking any doubting farts by braving all in our thermals for a snowball fight at Henley Golf Course at a prompt 6am start on Tuesday morning."

"We can to make sure."

The Highways Agency were quick to reassure the public by stating, "There is enough salt for us to see out the winter.  However, the chips might be a problem with the findings of a contaminated potato storage lock up in East London.  We are doing all we can to make sure that the public get what they need to help them through this potentially exciting time."

Science?

Despite the reassurance of Government and institutions alike the public flew straight into panic mode with supermarkets undergoing a rush for booze, snacks and reduced mince pies.  "It's been chaos," spoke supermarket greeter Richard Ace, "The beer aisle is completely empty and we're running desperately low on Jacob's Creek.  As for crisps you won't get a pack of Walker's this side of Leicester."

The chance of a five day weekend also fueled the firebombing of a grit depot in Maidenhead, which saw a score of workers badly burned with salt in their wounds.  To coincide with the holiday ITV also underwent a massive scheduling change by advertising a mid-week Harry Potter film marathon that has left next Saturday's evening programming open to perilous amounts of Ant and Dec.

"Further."

"We're practically slaves," claimed one Scottish retail worker, "These company's just want more and more from you, they don't regard you as people and abuse your generous nature and hard work to reduce staff and exploit you further.  They may be able to take our health, time and freedom but they will NEVER TAKE OUR WEATHER!!!"

Prediction of Monday's rush hour.

Despite widespread enthusiasm many skeptics have come out to argue the statistics such as London banker Rectum Will, "The general public have once again shown themselves to be a pack of fools.  I'd like a day off as much as the next person but false optimism is not the answer.  We all know that the Met Office have proven time and time again that they cannot actually predict the weather beyond a shaky seven minute time frame and if people want to risk their jobs on loose findings then that is up to them.  What with the huge levels of anger, frustration and aggression being furthered by corporate rape and a failing economy we need to plough on regardless of these issues."

Other critics were also vocal on the subject but having given them one paragraph we thought that covers us and so the country waits to see if Monday's hangover will be as easy to manage as they hope.