New Sims Expansion Pack Let's You Control Yourself

by Shaky Parkinson

EA's most anticipated Sims expansion pack hit gaming retailers today.  Sims You lets the player control and interact with themselves while offering improved graphics and game play.  The game has already sold ten million copies worldwide and is set to break all gaming records to date.

"I can't believe it," says Swindon gaming outlet, GamePlay, "I've gone through four thousand copies already.  This bad boy is selling in droves, people are clearly unhappy with their lives and are turning to gaming to fill the void."

"Sexual health has many gamers absorbed."

The game that allows players to experience crowded commuter transport, overpriced lettuce and failing sexual health has many gamers absorbed with some management companies infiltrating the games in a desperate bid to dish out work to their employees.

"We haven't seen a sickie binge like this since World of Warcraft hit the shelves," claimed John Boss, CEO of business management consultants ERGHHHHH, "I'm down to three people in the office and frankly the quality of the tea is being drastically effected."

Despite criticism gamers are flocking to their local video game retailer causing queues of up to four and a half miles in length.  Long time lay about Danny Faff was ecstatic about the games' release, "It's the best Sims game yet.  It's just so interactive.  A little food icon appears and bam, I'm down stairs eating a sandwich.  It's unreal."

Improved graphics add to realistic
gaming experience.

"It's a tricky game," commented another Gamer, "So far I've logged 215 gaming hours and I'm still stuck in the dole queue.  It's difficult but I've played more challenging games.  This is hardly Turok 2.  I think I'm going to make myself a rock star or maybe a porn director."

"Shame the toilet."

"It's bitchin'," said another Fan, "The graphics are insanely realistic and the perving in this version is so much more fun.  It's a shame the toilet breaks take more time but I'm loving it.  I don't usually buy games when they first come out but this was totally worth the two hundred pounds I paid for it.  I even got the special edition where your character gets a free hat.  Pretty cool huh?"

The game that has been in development for upwards of three months is set to be the jewel in the EA crown and has already elevated their status as the worlds biggest gaming company to even loftier heights.  

"We just wanted to create a thoroughly realistic game," claimed an EA Executive, "And what is more realistic than playing yourself?  Even I've started playing the game.  Usually I don't dabble with computer games because of my grueling work schedule but after playing Sims You I'd happily change my mind.  I've gotten a monster truck, ten wives and I'm head of the world's biggest games distributor, for a novice I'm doing very well, things are just on the up for me at the moment."

Such enthusiasm has created a wave of excitement that is putting extreme pressure on production.  "We just can't get this game out quick enough to fulfill demand," continued the EA Executive, "We've had to hold off deliveries to Scotland until next month and they are our biggest demographic.  We've already opened up a further seventeen processing plants with many of our gamers getting first dibs at employment but even that isn't enough.  People want to live their lives and we just can't make that happen for everyone."

"Outlook is bleak."

Typical property available in
the game.

The lack of stock has caused many gamers to descend into drug abuse and shy away from all forms of social interaction.  Laura Chuff of Bangor was one of the few teenagers in her town unable to get a copy of the game.  "I feel shunned," she sobbed, "I've been having a terrible time of it and have resorted to drinking myself through each day.  I've been asking a friend of mine to use her game to check if our local GAME has any more copies in stock but the outlook is bleak.  I just want to be myself."

Coupled with these problems are the decreasing social values that are being demonstrated by gamers online.  We've already seen wars, theft and bad language being used far too often," claimed Gaming Activist Patricia Fluff, "The death rate is enormous with our figures showing a lost life every three seconds.  Even though new gamers are balancing out the statistics we are still seeing a massive loss of life."

Regardless of the dangers and controversy EA is set to release a sequel to the special edition expansion pack tomorrow.  As of yet the content is being kept a closely guarded secret leaving industry experts to speculate as to where the gaming world is going to be taken next.