New Weather Controlling App Prone To Glitches

by Shaky Parkinson

Last week saw the release of the Apple Store's long awaited Weather App.  Users of the app are given complete control of their surrounding environment through a user friendly interface.  Despite huge success the new app has come fully equipped with numerous glitches that have left authorities and meteorologists inundated with reports of bizarre weather patterns and shocking incidents.

The problems were first noted minutes after the app went live with several freak hurricanes instantly hitting Hull town centre while further north the Outer Hebrides experienced soaring temperatures that were completely uncharacteristic of the spring months.

"I'd forgotten what it felt like."

"It's a bloody marvel," claimed tweed worker Angus McMac, "What with the rising ferry costs I've been stuck on this fucking island for almost a decade and I've had to endure storms the likes of which most people can only imagine, but this new app has changed all that.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to be warm."

Other users haven't been so lucky with Skye receiving mixed blessings when their Internet connection was lost after their plans for an early summer burnt through the islands telephone cables.  "It could be months before it's fixed," claimed a BT Engineer, "There's over fifty meters of cabling that needs checking as well as parts and some other stuff.  They'll just have to live without the weather for a few months."

Touch screen interface lets you
swirl up your own typhoons.

"It's outrageous," claimed Dunvegan resident Duff McAngus, "We can't go without this new app.  It's been with us too long to switch back to past times, we cannot cope.  It isn't natural."

"Overground trains have become common place."

Problems have been reported from around the globe.  The epicentres of which are dense urban areas such as Hong Kong, Tokyo and London.  Reports of mass drownings on Japanese overground trains have become common place and on street glitching has lead to several deaths in the British Capital alone.

"It was horrific," claimed bystander Joe Bloggs, "You could see it happening but it was too late to change it.  These two business woman were strolling down Tottenham Court Road with their faces buried in their iPhones surrounded by a refreshing breeze, when they collided causing a miniature hurricane that took out three historic buildings, eighteen pedestrians and the new underground development.  There were body parts everywhere and the whole place was in chaos.  It makes you think doesn't it?"

The Northwest Territories were witness to freak bouts of weather upsets that saw rain, sleet, fog, sunshine, frogs, snow and tropical thunderstorms afflicting many towns in a matter of minutes.

Chaos in Manhatten after people
rally against a hose pipe ban.

"Nature just can't handle this sort of usage," cited Meteorologist David Wind, "If people can't use their powers for the greater good then we are as good as fucked.  We advise anyone who has absolutely no trust in smart-phones or their users to flee into the hills as quickly as possible."

"Patio furniture might be selling."

Industry has been the hardest hit with farmer's claiming massive crop yields and simultaneous harvest failures over many fields while the travel and holiday industry have been virtually wiped out overnight.  "No one is travelling abroad right now because they are bringing the weather to their gardens.  Patio furniture might be selling through the roof but we have been forced to rely on fascinated Japanese tourists just to get us through the week.  It's a hard time."

Downtown Coventry.

The problems afflicting the nation have also been seen on the digital arena with a hacker alert already in place when the online games' software was hit by a spam virus that caused penis enlargement letters to rain in volumes across the world, thus heavily stretching local recycling pick-ups that were forced to recruit from travel agencies to clear the debris.

The app's developers FLEECE inc. were unavailable for comment as they were snowed in to their Dubai offices but petitions have been flooding into Downing Street to ban the application for mass personal usage to be replaced with a time share system that would see only minimal weather fluctuations and curb any further unnatural abuse.

"It's Called Battle For A Reason," Claims Man In Battle

by Shaky P (It's back)

As winter sets in and archaeologists are once again forced to down tools and turn their attention to their textbooks, a fresh debate is being raged within the historical community as to the exact location of the Battle at Hastings.  For centuries the Battlefield has always thought to lie on the appropriately named village of Battle in East Sussex.

It is now being argued that the actual site of the battle lies two miles down the road at the nearby hamlet of Crowhurst.  "It must be in Crowhurst," whinged historian Arthur Past, "We don't have much to go on but if we dug up the area and did some investigation I'm sure we would be proven right.  Or not."

He went on to waffle, "It is hugely important to get the exact location spot on.  We cannot understand the battle if we are looking at it in a different way.  How will we ever understand the mind of King Harold without such vital information?"

When told that after a millennia there isn't a place on Earth that would look the same Mr. Past was unfortunately hitting the tea and biscuits and we were unable to pursue the argument, although the words, "It could be the same," were heard murmured through a mouthful of soggy Battenburg.

Battle is proud of its heritage and it has been a tourist trap for hundreds of years.  "It's called Battle for a reason," claimed one Local, "You wouldn't stand in London and say it was Calcutta would you?  Morons."

Jane Downer who runs the local gift shop was very passionate about the theory, "It's bollocks," she screeched, "These historians are just bored again.  We get this every winter but it'll blow over in a month or two.  I hardly think someone in the past would just up and change the location of such a significant Battle without good reason," she huffed from amidst the shadows of the Bayeux Tapestry prints.

After hearing about the theory, the Local Amateur Historians Club of nearby Catsfield were quick to issue a statement claiming, "We had the Battlefield way before Battle did.  Forget Crowhurst we are point three miles closer to Battle and are the rightful owners of the site.  It is locally known that Battle stole it from us in 1323.  Catsfield used to be named 'It's Here' but after the theft we had to change our name and the only thing we had of note was the fucking Cat Sanctuary and we've been unhappy with it since."

Annette Downey, Landlady of The Plough in Crowhurst says, "We don't want that shit coming here and ruining our village.  They can keep it."

Professor Mick Michael Mitchelson of Oxford University and expert in everything has contributed, "The site could be anywhere.  The true location doesn't matter, we'll just follow around the money.  Who knows what the Norman's got up to?  And the Tudor's were a damn nightmare.  I don't think there has been a more indecisive moment in our entire history.  To be honest I don't really care, it's not like we won."

It seems news of the argument has headed as far North as the Outer Hebrides with one Nick Hutch claiming, "The Battle of Hastings originally took place on the Isle of Lewis as far back as 678 and I've got photos to prove it."

Whatever the outcome, it seems the matter will always be in dispute until further evidence can be found to support the claims and it will be many years before Battle has to give up its booming tourist trade, if at all.