It's Murder On The Dancefloor

by Shaky Parkinson

Nabila Nanfuka, a student form London has been killed during a stampede at a Northampton nightclub.  Lava and Ignite was hosting its annual DNA Presents Wickedest Wickedest night when the tragedy occurred, leaving family and friends inconsolable at their loss at the hands of such a horrifically entitled event.

It is thought the cause of the stampede was due to a sudden rush for the bus queue after the DJ told Groover's that the evening was at an end, "Fuck that shit," claimed one Partygoer, "I'm not missing my bus for no one.  I don't care who gets in my way.  I gotta get me some shuteye.  Pow."

It was this attitude that caused the fire alarm to be activated in encouragement thus invoking the student swarm that trampled Nabila and left others even worse for wear.  After hearing the first three chimes of the alarm and the self-preservation mindset was quickly taken on board by all and chaos quickly ensued, as it so often does.  

"It's a fluke that there was only one death," cited one Doctor Foster who treated Nanfuka upon her arrival at hospital, "We had a few sprained ankles but otherwise things didn't turn out too bad.  In all fairness Nabila was stood in a room full of sixteen hundred morons and was fully aware of the risks when she entered the club.  My thoughts are with her family, but then again they are also with my supper so I don't know how they want to take that."

There has of yet been no statement from the owners of Lava and Ignite although it is assumed they are right in it.  We are also unsure what music, if any, was playing during the frightful event but it is this reporter's hope that Sophie Ellis Bextor was duly getting the appreciation she deserves.