Tennant And Osbourne To Duel

by Shaky Parkinson

Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant.  As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.

"Financial grants to cows."

The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.

Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy.  Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it.  Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."

Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard.  Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.

Tennant moments before the fight.

"Backwell back in 2008."

"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that.  I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."

"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident.  Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."

Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.

"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.

Osbourne's duelling gonks.

This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!!  AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!"""  Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.

"Duels are to be fought."

Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.

Royal duelling barge.

What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.

BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker.  You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.

"It's Nice To Sir You, Sir You, Nice!"

by Shaky Parkinson

After a ropey headline News Guff has decided to push ahead with its coverage of Sir Bruce Forsyth's Knighthood.  The announcement of this impending pun came way back during June in the Queen's Birthday Honours List.  Since then Brucey has been tapping his heels to the beat of life and generally feeling pretty fantastic.  "I'm very proud my career hasn't been in vain," he was overheard quoting, "And I'd like to big up the press for supporting me all the way and making today possible.  Keep it real fuckers."

Below is a transcript taken from News Guff's live radio coverage of the event.

"Here comes Brucey.  Oh, I do like that wiggle, very stylish.  Classic, subtle and very sexy.  He's going down on one knee.  Don't worry folks he's not proposing, although you'd be hard press to say no.  There's the sword.  Beautifully handed by Her Majesty.  That's how it should be done.  I think the decision to leave off the full armour and shield combo was probably a good move.  Watch the toupee, watch the toupee!  She's good.  Superb.  Superb.  You can hear the applause ringing out through the palace.  I've seen a fair few Knightings in my time but this is really quite spectacular.  The shoulder placement was just so natural.  God, don't we love the Queen?  Wait.  Wait. What's this?  She's leaning in, maybe she's accepting after all.  I can't quite make that out.  I think the Queen is saying, wait.  Lovely to Sir you, Sir you, nice.


Oooooooooh, they don't like that.  Listen to that silence.  Brucey is not happy.  He's smiling but he's not happy.  Not happy at all.  That's a sour face if ever I've seen one.  Proof that bad humour can ruin even the most special moment.  I think that's the last of the clapping we'll be hearing today.  Such a sad sight.  If you've just joined us you're listening to the 2011 Queen's Birthday Honours List Awards."

Amongst the other recipients were fashion designer Celia Birtwell and author Julia Donaldson whose contributions to literature don't do much in furthering the notion of credibility.  It is hoped that Donaldson's MBE will help lower the bar and aid Katy Price and Kerry Katona in their respective bids for the Queen's next birthday.