"It's Nice To Sir You, Sir You, Nice!"

by Shaky Parkinson

After a ropey headline News Guff has decided to push ahead with its coverage of Sir Bruce Forsyth's Knighthood.  The announcement of this impending pun came way back during June in the Queen's Birthday Honours List.  Since then Brucey has been tapping his heels to the beat of life and generally feeling pretty fantastic.  "I'm very proud my career hasn't been in vain," he was overheard quoting, "And I'd like to big up the press for supporting me all the way and making today possible.  Keep it real fuckers."

Below is a transcript taken from News Guff's live radio coverage of the event.

"Here comes Brucey.  Oh, I do like that wiggle, very stylish.  Classic, subtle and very sexy.  He's going down on one knee.  Don't worry folks he's not proposing, although you'd be hard press to say no.  There's the sword.  Beautifully handed by Her Majesty.  That's how it should be done.  I think the decision to leave off the full armour and shield combo was probably a good move.  Watch the toupee, watch the toupee!  She's good.  Superb.  Superb.  You can hear the applause ringing out through the palace.  I've seen a fair few Knightings in my time but this is really quite spectacular.  The shoulder placement was just so natural.  God, don't we love the Queen?  Wait.  Wait. What's this?  She's leaning in, maybe she's accepting after all.  I can't quite make that out.  I think the Queen is saying, wait.  Lovely to Sir you, Sir you, nice.


Oooooooooh, they don't like that.  Listen to that silence.  Brucey is not happy.  He's smiling but he's not happy.  Not happy at all.  That's a sour face if ever I've seen one.  Proof that bad humour can ruin even the most special moment.  I think that's the last of the clapping we'll be hearing today.  Such a sad sight.  If you've just joined us you're listening to the 2011 Queen's Birthday Honours List Awards."

Amongst the other recipients were fashion designer Celia Birtwell and author Julia Donaldson whose contributions to literature don't do much in furthering the notion of credibility.  It is hoped that Donaldson's MBE will help lower the bar and aid Katy Price and Kerry Katona in their respective bids for the Queen's next birthday.