"Has Anyone Told Them They've Lost?" asks Interim Authority Forces

by Shaky Parkinson

After a fresh bombardment has been launched on the Gaddafi stronghold of Sirte, Rebels are asking themselves some serious questions.  The biggest one being if anyone bothered telling the pro-Gaddafi forces that they have lost.

"I'm pretty sure someone mentioned something," claimed Transitional Government Force Commander, Nasser Abu Zian, "I remember we got together and wrote them a note or something.  It must have been pretty good because we sent out for pizzas and beer halfway through writing it."

It is thought that intense fighting in the city has caused the post to be a bit delayed.  "It's possible that the mail man was amongst the thousands of civilians who fled the city to safety the other day," continued Zian, "But it's just as likely he is dead.  We already have 12 bodies in the room out back and if that was the case we're boned.  All the maps have been blown up and he was the only one who knew the street names.  Then again I'm looking at my book of six 1st Class and there isn't any missing.  It's a mystery, you know the post."

Just to be on the safe side Zian has implemented a blanket advertising campaign of the entire area with special attention being paid to the enemies compound.  He talked us through the plan, "We've brought in some awesome megaphones and banners to be put up around the major roundabouts, not too mention a crack team of flyer distributors who'll be monitoring the streets 24/7.  It was a logical step, what with airtime hitting an all time low price and the cost of constant shelling proving a burden on the food budget.  I'm using the savings to buy myself a hat."

We spoke to Mark Arse of LAME, London Advertising Media Execution, who has been commissioned to produce the campaign.  "We wanted to keep it simple, loud, but simple and also very loud," proclaimed Arse, "Our initial idea of getting the entire NTC to sing a cover of Katy Perry's Lost was met with much criticism so we've gone for the minimalist approach, nothing fancy, a simple 'you've lost' banner knocked out on the photocopier.  We think it's a win."

It is hoped that the advertising campaign will bring about an end to the bloodshed and lead to a peaceful transition into a new democratic Libya.

Libyan Street Party Preparations "In Full Swing"

by Shaky Parkinson

After months of fighting, Libyan Rebels have finally demolished the last of the legal barriers that have stopped their much desired street party from getting the go ahead.  The soon to be ex-Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi will see his 42 year ban on all street based partying events to come to an end.  When asked he said, "What?" and when questioned he commented, "I had a headache and I never get invited anyway.  No party."

Cries of, "We're coming for you frizz head," echoed throughout the streets last night as hundreds of unopposed Rebels descended on the Gaddafi compound in search of 'Events registration form 12-C'.  One Rebel enthusiastically commented, "I don't care about his headache, the people of Libya have waited too long and suffered too much, we have been tortured for too long, it is our time to strike, and party we will.  Once we have secured the form, filled it out in triplicate only then can we get Mustav working on the DJ set."

This weeks capturing of Tripoli at the hands and feet of Rebel Forces has put an end to Gaddafi's party ruining ways with celebrations set to be, "In full swing," for a quality shindig this coming weekend.  "We're stoked," said one Fool as he foolishly sprayed bullets across the sky killing three civilians who were strategically placed two miles away in a security bunker, "It's going to be great, I hope Deborah shows up, I think I might be in."

It is thought that a flag parade through the streets of the city's smouldering shell will be followed by a slap up buffet and some kissing before the real celebrations get underway on Saturday night.

One Unstoppable claimed, "Six months of fighting have all been leading up to this.  It's going to be a blinder, literally.  I've spent the duration of the fighting sober and that is pretty hard for an alcoholic, so come Saturday I'm drinking myself blind and having a bang up time.  Also literally."

Events Organiser Halim had this to say, "They'll be bunting like you've never seen.  We've already shipped in the biscuits and we are just waiting on the liquor and strippers.  We're thinking of letting them start their act during the minutes' silence to the dead masses, it's probably what they would have wanted, it's what we want and consistency is key."

He continued, "We've set up a VIP section down at the harbour for all the cool Rebels, you know, the ones that wear the hats, and we've turned the main road into a slip 'n slide.  Whacky is not the word.  But it is a good one."

Travel arrangements have been put in place for getting the entire population to the capital in time for the festivities and Guinness have even sent over an official to have a nose around to observe if this street party is as big as it claims to be.

Halim summed it up best, "In summary, we are chuffed.  Really really chuffed.  We've have overthrown the shackles of our tyrannical leader and his no party policies and now we are free to have fun and put our own party organising skills into practice.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sparkle."

Nick Knowles To Save The World

by Shaky Parkinson

Nick Knowles, presenter of the television show DIY S.O.S has been summoned by the United Nations to save the world.  It seems that the global crisis has hit meltdown and the world is in need of a hero.  "It is a desperate move." chimed Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, "We are simply out of options and are going to have to call in the big guns.  We've been trying to get him for months now but after that bungalow in Aberystwyth we had no choice but to postpone our plans until now."

Knowles, who has gained admiration and devotees with such hard hitting shows as Departure Lounge and City Hospital, was thrilled at the prospect.  "I just want to help.  We'll get the crew sorted and head off ASAP," he stated in a press conference.

The plan is for Knowles to travel around the world passing through some of the biggest political and religious hot spots culminating in a globally televised sermon on Golgotha to bring peace to the Holy Land.  "I'm really looking forward to Greece, Libya and Northern Ireland," Knowles claimed while packing his swimming trunks.

The UN have unanimously backed the plan and feel that if Knowles can knock together a hideous looking bedroom in a few hours a shot at world peace should be easy.  "I can't believe we didn't think of this before," stated Ki-Moon, "I mean the whole thing's a no brainer.  Most people can't knock up a flat pack shelving unit and he's been doing it for twenty one series, plus specials."

The Nick Knowles World Tour is set to depart from Gatwick later on this afternoon and it is expected he can wrap things up by the 27th August just in time to start work on a flat in Wigan.