He continued, "The resultant lack of oxygen has caused people to wake up, die or pass out at the wheel. Thus causing a crummy nights sleep, death and proof that obesity can kill. We've been prescribing diets and jogging but it seems that most of these people enjoy being fat."
The Guff met up with one Survivor at her favourite burger joint, "I knew that after I had technically died it was time to hit the salads. Now I no longer snore and I'm still alive. Although I am being treated for clown related nightmares."
It appears this new report has sent shock waves through the fast food industry with a mandatory extra slice of lettuce being added to every burger sold nationwide. "Hey, we're just trying to do our bit," said King Ronald, Burger Mogul, we can't have all our customers dying, that's bad for business. This Afro isn't holding its colour as well as it used to and the price of hair dye is a fucking joke."
Despite the seriousness of the report certain organisations have deemed the statistics as localised. "You did say these results are from the Scotland?" asked Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "Well there's your answer. If you've ever seen the school lunch rush in Musselburgh you'll have no cause to fear this down in the South East."
Either way the rise in the number of rough nights being attributed to the cheeseburger cannot probably be a bad or good thing although it might be very tasty. "It's an outrage," continued the Survivor, "First they kill Elvis and now they are determined to ruin my life. When will these delicious bastards be stopped?"
The situation has apparently gotten so bad that the British Lung Foundation has used the word 'Priority'.
Oh, and Steve Jobs died but we figured someone else would cover that one.
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