"I'm A Fig Man," Claims Jobs

by Shaky Parkinson

In a shock turn of events Apple CEO, Steve Jobs has thrown in the towel and resigned from his position as ruler of the universe.  "I've been living a lie for too long, I'm a fig man, and the knowledge has been eating away at me like a cancer," he stated in a press conference.

Jobs who is the brains behind some of the greatest technological innovations of the last fifteen years has decided to step down from his coveted position to spend more time, "Away from computers and apples, I fucking hate apples."  With such iconic designs as the iMac and the iPod under his belt it seems Jobs is happy to leave behind him a legacy he can be proud of.

In a heart warming interview Jobs commented, "I can't live with the shame anymore, I'm a fig lover and I'm proud of it.  I pitched the Fig Macintosh to the board but they shot it down.  If only Jim hadn't been dieting that week my peace of mind might not have been shattered."

"I mean Apple's?  They suck, that waxy coating tastes like crap and you always get bits of skin stuck in your teeth, who needs that shit?  Not me, I'm leaving.  I may even start up a rival portable music device.  I could call it the Figatron or Figgle.  That sounds like the sort of thing the youth of today will lap up.  Damn apples."

Back stabbing is already underway for Jobs' job with his potential successor's brown nosing on a level hereto only thought of as myth.  Fig shares also sky rocketed this week with one Grocer in Silicon Valley claiming, "Sorry love, no figs today, just sold the last lot to that smelly guy in the suit."

With Jobs' departure shares in Apple Inc suffered a slump before stock holders' realised their mountains of gold weren't going to be shifted by any negativity and so a champagne party was thrown and shares went back to normal.

"He'll be missed," claimed the Apple workforce, "Sure the levels of security, privacy and paranoia resulted in a few suicides but hey, shit happens."

Libyan Street Party Preparations "In Full Swing"

by Shaky Parkinson

After months of fighting, Libyan Rebels have finally demolished the last of the legal barriers that have stopped their much desired street party from getting the go ahead.  The soon to be ex-Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi will see his 42 year ban on all street based partying events to come to an end.  When asked he said, "What?" and when questioned he commented, "I had a headache and I never get invited anyway.  No party."

Cries of, "We're coming for you frizz head," echoed throughout the streets last night as hundreds of unopposed Rebels descended on the Gaddafi compound in search of 'Events registration form 12-C'.  One Rebel enthusiastically commented, "I don't care about his headache, the people of Libya have waited too long and suffered too much, we have been tortured for too long, it is our time to strike, and party we will.  Once we have secured the form, filled it out in triplicate only then can we get Mustav working on the DJ set."

This weeks capturing of Tripoli at the hands and feet of Rebel Forces has put an end to Gaddafi's party ruining ways with celebrations set to be, "In full swing," for a quality shindig this coming weekend.  "We're stoked," said one Fool as he foolishly sprayed bullets across the sky killing three civilians who were strategically placed two miles away in a security bunker, "It's going to be great, I hope Deborah shows up, I think I might be in."

It is thought that a flag parade through the streets of the city's smouldering shell will be followed by a slap up buffet and some kissing before the real celebrations get underway on Saturday night.

One Unstoppable claimed, "Six months of fighting have all been leading up to this.  It's going to be a blinder, literally.  I've spent the duration of the fighting sober and that is pretty hard for an alcoholic, so come Saturday I'm drinking myself blind and having a bang up time.  Also literally."

Events Organiser Halim had this to say, "They'll be bunting like you've never seen.  We've already shipped in the biscuits and we are just waiting on the liquor and strippers.  We're thinking of letting them start their act during the minutes' silence to the dead masses, it's probably what they would have wanted, it's what we want and consistency is key."

He continued, "We've set up a VIP section down at the harbour for all the cool Rebels, you know, the ones that wear the hats, and we've turned the main road into a slip 'n slide.  Whacky is not the word.  But it is a good one."

Travel arrangements have been put in place for getting the entire population to the capital in time for the festivities and Guinness have even sent over an official to have a nose around to observe if this street party is as big as it claims to be.

Halim summed it up best, "In summary, we are chuffed.  Really really chuffed.  We've have overthrown the shackles of our tyrannical leader and his no party policies and now we are free to have fun and put our own party organising skills into practice.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sparkle."

New Red Arrows Fatal Landing Display "A Huge Success"

by Shaky Parkinson

An air show by the RAF's famous Red Arrow display team turned to shit on Saturday when one of the planes crashed in a field outside Bournemouth killing 33-year-old Flight Lieutenant Jon Egging.  Despite being whisked from the plane before impact, the Flight Lieutenant suffered a severe beating that left him dead on impact.  It is thought the crash was due to scrambled electronics that left the Hawk T1 a shell of its former self.

"It was bound to happen at some point," sighed Group Captain Simon Blake, the Commandant of the RAF Central Flying School, "We are just too damn good, something like this was bound to kick us up the arse.  You can't play the odds for 32 years and escape incident free.  We thought about taking a five year hiatus to even out the odds but the punters were to enthralled by all our wavy jet streams to let us go and I can't blame them, they do look sweet.  Still, today's incident should level things out for the next decade.  All in all, it was a huge success.  It was risky but things worked out for the best."

Nicholas Gore, a bypasser who was out strolling, saw the Hawk T1 fly into an adjacent field and land belly up in a river.  "I heard this loud crack, not an explosion, just a crack.  But that could have been my Kellog's variety mix."

Another bystander, who wished to remain anonymous, we'll call him Dicky Penis said, "The plane skidded for a few hundred metres before it landed in the river," after which he ran off into the undergrowth.

By all accounts it seems Lt. Egging's final piece of skill lay in his ability to crash land a high powered jet plane with the upmost care for the surrounding wildlife.  "He loved a good steak," claimed his rightly distraught wife, Dr. Emma Egging, "It's just so sad to see him gone, but it's good to know he was caring until the end."

The doctor and jet pilot couple have been begrudgingly mourned by the local populace with a book of condolence that has proved a popular attraction for the locals, with anyone who attended the display getting a 50% discount as reimbursement for a spoilt weekend.

"This is the worst thing to happen to this country in months," said one Local, who when pushed also said, "What riots?"

"Sharks Are Dangerous", says Dead Swimmer

by Shaky Parkinson

Ian Redmond an IT Specialist from 'p North was viciously mauled to death by a Shark whilst on his honeymoon in the Seychelles.  "What a crock of toss," Redmond communicated through the resort's medium, "I finally pop the question after nine years and this is the result.  I should've listened to my mistress and not rushed into things."

Redmond is the second victim in as many weeks to fall prey to the bastard fish mammal but the Seychelles' Tourism Board says there is no need to panic.  "There is no need to panic," said Beach Patrol Officer Martin Brody (not that one), as he rigged up a 'Beach closed' sign.

"I'm very upset," claimed Mrs. Redmond, "Ian's death has left a gaping hole in my heart that will never be filled.  Everything's a mess. I'm all over the place," to which her husband replied, "Have a bit of tact dear.  I'm bobbin' around in the form of a shark's floater while she gets to finish up the honeymoon and return home to a fully paid mortgage. Cow."

Despite being 'Shark death free since 1963', the Tourism Board have been inundated with a phone call about the attack but have yet to catch to the rogue killer.  "This is a freak accident involving a foreign shark and we are completely blameless.  As yet we don't govern or have a controlling stake in 'the sea'."  "It's fucking sick!!!" claimed one crimsoned skinned Sunbather, "Knowing there is a perverted cannibal on the loose makes my skin crawl."

In a shock turn of events the Shark claimed, "RRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHRRRRRR!!!"  Leading Shark vocalist, Frankie Fin has translated the statement that reads, "Please leave me alone, my doctor was just saying I should leave the house more and now this, it really adds credence to my agoraphobia."

When asked why he was dumb enough to go jolly footing it around in a shark infested ocean Mr. Redmond replied, "The fish were pretty and I had to get away from the misses.  Besides you don't think it'll happen to you.  What are the odds?"  Ian Redmond's local village is in mourning for the deceased moron and the holiday resort will be holding a one minute dip in the pool in his memory.

Steven Spielberg was reportedly spotted near the scene looking shifty.

Chinese Whispers Gets Out Of Control

by Shaky Parkinson

After a recent investigation by Scotland Yard's Technological Detectives Unit a culprit for last weeks rioting has been identified.  The widespread riots that caused chaos in London and other leading cities across England resulted in the death of four men and billions of pounds damage to businesses and the economy.

It seems that the origin of these terrible events can be traced back to the social networking site Facebook.  In particular one single message posted on the morning of 6th August by Tommy Collins that read, "Cereal's lonely, need milk from the shops."

It seems this catalyst triggered a serious case of Chinese Whispers that brought the country to the brink of Civil War claimed Scotland Yard's report.  "As usual events such as these always have a starting point," claimed DC Piggins, "Mr. Collins was unfortunate that his little quip was the catalyst for the worst case of Chinese Whispers ever to grace our country.  We've never seen anything like it.  The story just didn't come full circle.  Those poor cornflakes."

The report states the confusion as instant, with Collins' bit on the side Sally ('In A Relationship With') instantly heading to Top Shop for, "A ruckus of epic proportion."  Things went from shit to chaotic when Sally's message to her chum down in Croydon claiming she was, "Just nipping off for a quick loot," was mistakenly passed on as, "Free stuff and riots in town, BRING FIRE!!!"

From then on a chain reaction of University friends and old school buddies that are their to bump up the numbers caused widespread miscommunication, "On an epic scale of epical epicness," continued DC Piggins, "Facebook really isn't the place for stupidity.  Look at what can happen when one moron mistakes the ravings of a quirky maniac.  It's a wonder the country is still standing."

Social Networking Specialist Peter Dullard had this to say, "This is a freak occurrence.  There is always the off chance that a rogue trail of Chinese Whispers could break free and evolve into an unstoppable train of shit, but that is no reason to blame social networking.  Please don't blame it, without it I won't have friends."

"This goes beyond the normal cock jokes around the table and the silly billy antics of pass the parcel," stated David Cameron, "This is a level of miscommunication only previously experienced in trying to recite the alphabet whilst pissed or in a Coen Brothers' flick.  With the Blackberry culture booming there was no way of stopping the whisper.  I'm just happy with the police's reaction to the riots or maybe not, depends how the press want to swing it."

I spokesperson from Specsavers said, "They should have gone to Specsavers."

Editorial: Shit It's Noisy Outside

by Shaky Parkinson

On behalf of everyone here at the Guff I wish to apologise for our lack of news output over the past few days.  The reason being a huge dip in concentration levels caused by the long running street party that is taking place outside our central London office.  

I've been staring at my typewriter for three days and have yet to write a meaningful word.  I thought the fucking Olympics were still a few months off, but this shindig is driving me insane and shows no signs of stopping.

I've tried calling in a noise pollution complaint but was greeted with nothing but sarcasm and disdain.  I know there may be other important things going on in this country but my god it sounds like there's a fucking riot going on outside.

Nick Knowles To Save The World

by Shaky Parkinson

Nick Knowles, presenter of the television show DIY S.O.S has been summoned by the United Nations to save the world.  It seems that the global crisis has hit meltdown and the world is in need of a hero.  "It is a desperate move." chimed Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, "We are simply out of options and are going to have to call in the big guns.  We've been trying to get him for months now but after that bungalow in Aberystwyth we had no choice but to postpone our plans until now."

Knowles, who has gained admiration and devotees with such hard hitting shows as Departure Lounge and City Hospital, was thrilled at the prospect.  "I just want to help.  We'll get the crew sorted and head off ASAP," he stated in a press conference.

The plan is for Knowles to travel around the world passing through some of the biggest political and religious hot spots culminating in a globally televised sermon on Golgotha to bring peace to the Holy Land.  "I'm really looking forward to Greece, Libya and Northern Ireland," Knowles claimed while packing his swimming trunks.

The UN have unanimously backed the plan and feel that if Knowles can knock together a hideous looking bedroom in a few hours a shot at world peace should be easy.  "I can't believe we didn't think of this before," stated Ki-Moon, "I mean the whole thing's a no brainer.  Most people can't knock up a flat pack shelving unit and he's been doing it for twenty one series, plus specials."

The Nick Knowles World Tour is set to depart from Gatwick later on this afternoon and it is expected he can wrap things up by the 27th August just in time to start work on a flat in Wigan.

Norway Are Taking The Piss

by Shaky Parkinson (Fucking Norwegians, I suppose its best to give them their moment in the spotlight so we won't have to hear from them for a while).

Angered by a recent blow to their society coupled with only a marginal shimmer of grief from the global community has triggered Norway to literally 'let out the bears'.  The tragedy occurred at the Von Post glacier near Santa's pad, where a stray Polar Bear infiltrated the camp of the BRITISH!!! Schools Exploring Society killing an unnamed 17-year-old BRITISH!!! Youth.

Despite being warned about the potential of a fiasco the stubborn scientists dismissed the idea as "ludicrous" after a quick bought with the calculator.  Pandemonium ensued when the unexpected houseguest stumbled aimlessly onto the campsite causing uncertainty, disbelief and doubt at the nature of Mathematics.  It seems the Polar Bear had strayed there while allegedly out looking for some snacks and a 'bevvie'.  "We think he got lost in a sudden snow storm and ended up taking a wrong turn at Svalbard," said the Voice in my Head.

Upon entering the camp he was greeted with anger, abuse and a closed bar.  The accompanying barrage of scientific instruments and lack of manners became the last straw and caused the Polar Bear to, "Flip the fuck out and go stark raving bonkers.  He was cute and cuddly through binoculars but close up he was really scary," stated a second Voice.

The resulting attack left four people severely injured and one Youth, "Without life," claimed a distraught Survivor, "After that experience I can say for sure that everyone dreamt of polar bears that night."

The name of the dead chappie has yet to be released but a spokesperson from BSES said, "We don't want to tarnish the reputation of the deceased and create any unwanted grief for his parents by revealing his really funny name to the press but I can assure you it is hilarious.  We're talking piss yourself funny.  Okay it's Richard Harmless."

While being dragged from captivity the Polar Bear claimed, "AAAAAAARRRRRRHHHHH!!!"  Which run past a bear vocal specialist we believe to read, "I was just chillin' out looking for a brew when those damn pervy tourists who had been eyeing me up for the last four days started attacking me.  I was stuck on the ice for days and all those fuckers' did was point and giggle.  They took away my buzz so I took away their faces."

The tragedy is set to eclipse the Anders murderfest with the British Government demanding an apology. "We want an apology," bellowed Foreign Secretary William Hague, "If those daft cunts hadn't been sat around crying they may have been keeping a closer eye on those retarded children we sent them."

Network Rail Are Pants Claim Everyone

by Shaky Parkinson

"Well they are," sighed everyone.

Syria Jump On Civil War Bandwagon

by Shaky Parkinson

Syria has descended into Civil War with last week's celebrations culminating in a huge open-air party in Hama on Sunday.  "We just had to do it," said one Citizen, "If it's good enough for Tunisia then its good enough for us.  This is going to be such a blast."

It is reported that around 140 people were killed in this weekend's shindig and that further deaths have been reported since.  "We knew that some life would be lost, I mean this is a civil war," claimed one Resident, "We are just trying to keep it as civil as possible but so far it isn't working."

"We may have bitten off more than we can chew," sited one Gang Leader, whose name we cannot print due to knowledge reasons.  "We forgot that even though we have lots of guns, the army has better ones.  I'll be honest with you the planning was really left by the wayside.  You really cannot wing a Civil War. Oh well, best foot forward.  AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" he screamed fleeing the confines of the building.

When asked for a statement the Syrian Army was quoted as saying, "We entered into this conflict on good faith but now we are paying the price.  The resistance has been somewhat lacking in pizzazz, we thought our Civil War would be cooler than the others but it has just descended into anarchy and death like all the rest."

It seems the poor state of affairs is causing a lot of tension within all camps and it is feared a violent outbreak may occur.  During a 'Time Out' period the opposing leaders all met and decided the only way to salvage the War was, "By keeping the UN out of it.  We don't want those Western chumps gate crashing our party like they did Libya's.  If we keep them off the guest list our Civil War will be unique and we'll have the edge."

The news sparked a unity between the opposing sides and another celebration was held in the town of Albu Kamal were a 13-year-old boy was quickly shot dead by security forces.  With Abdul and Rami heading down the shops for a fresh supply of ammunition the party is set to be the biggest in the countries history and eclipse all other Civil Wars that have gone before.

The UN was much put out by the decision to exclude them and have gone into mumblings at their New York headquarters.