by Shaky Parkinson
Ian Redmond an IT Specialist from 'p North was viciously mauled to death by a Shark whilst on his honeymoon in the Seychelles. "What a crock of toss," Redmond communicated through the resort's medium, "I finally pop the question after nine years and this is the result. I should've listened to my mistress and not rushed into things."
Redmond is the second victim in as many weeks to fall prey to the bastard fish mammal but the Seychelles' Tourism Board says there is no need to panic. "There is no need to panic," said Beach Patrol Officer Martin Brody (not that one), as he rigged up a 'Beach closed' sign.
"I'm very upset," claimed Mrs. Redmond, "Ian's death has left a gaping hole in my heart that will never be filled. Everything's a mess. I'm all over the place," to which her husband replied, "Have a bit of tact dear. I'm bobbin' around in the form of a shark's floater while she gets to finish up the honeymoon and return home to a fully paid mortgage. Cow."
Despite being 'Shark death free since 1963', the Tourism Board have been inundated with a phone call about the attack but have yet to catch to the rogue killer. "This is a freak accident involving a foreign shark and we are completely blameless. As yet we don't govern or have a controlling stake in 'the sea'." "It's fucking sick!!!" claimed one crimsoned skinned Sunbather, "Knowing there is a perverted cannibal on the loose makes my skin crawl."
In a shock turn of events the Shark claimed, "RRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHRRRRRR!!!" Leading Shark vocalist, Frankie Fin has translated the statement that reads, "Please leave me alone, my doctor was just saying I should leave the house more and now this, it really adds credence to my agoraphobia."
When asked why he was dumb enough to go jolly footing it around in a shark infested ocean Mr. Redmond replied, "The fish were pretty and I had to get away from the misses. Besides you don't think it'll happen to you. What are the odds?" Ian Redmond's local village is in mourning for the deceased moron and the holiday resort will be holding a one minute dip in the pool in his memory.
Steven Spielberg was reportedly spotted near the scene looking shifty.
Redmond is the second victim in as many weeks to fall prey to the bastard fish mammal but the Seychelles' Tourism Board says there is no need to panic. "There is no need to panic," said Beach Patrol Officer Martin Brody (not that one), as he rigged up a 'Beach closed' sign.
"I'm very upset," claimed Mrs. Redmond, "Ian's death has left a gaping hole in my heart that will never be filled. Everything's a mess. I'm all over the place," to which her husband replied, "Have a bit of tact dear. I'm bobbin' around in the form of a shark's floater while she gets to finish up the honeymoon and return home to a fully paid mortgage. Cow."
Despite being 'Shark death free since 1963', the Tourism Board have been inundated with a phone call about the attack but have yet to catch to the rogue killer. "This is a freak accident involving a foreign shark and we are completely blameless. As yet we don't govern or have a controlling stake in 'the sea'." "It's fucking sick!!!" claimed one crimsoned skinned Sunbather, "Knowing there is a perverted cannibal on the loose makes my skin crawl."
In a shock turn of events the Shark claimed, "RRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHRRRRRR!!!" Leading Shark vocalist, Frankie Fin has translated the statement that reads, "Please leave me alone, my doctor was just saying I should leave the house more and now this, it really adds credence to my agoraphobia."
When asked why he was dumb enough to go jolly footing it around in a shark infested ocean Mr. Redmond replied, "The fish were pretty and I had to get away from the misses. Besides you don't think it'll happen to you. What are the odds?" Ian Redmond's local village is in mourning for the deceased moron and the holiday resort will be holding a one minute dip in the pool in his memory.
Steven Spielberg was reportedly spotted near the scene looking shifty.
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