Tennant And Osbourne To Duel

by Shaky Parkinson

Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant.  As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.

"Financial grants to cows."

The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.

Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy.  Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it.  Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."

Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard.  Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.

Tennant moments before the fight.

"Backwell back in 2008."

"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that.  I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."

"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident.  Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."

Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.

"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.

Osbourne's duelling gonks.

This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!!  AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!"""  Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.

"Duels are to be fought."

Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.

Royal duelling barge.

What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.

BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker.  You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.

Libyan Street Party Preparations "In Full Swing"

by Shaky Parkinson

After months of fighting, Libyan Rebels have finally demolished the last of the legal barriers that have stopped their much desired street party from getting the go ahead.  The soon to be ex-Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi will see his 42 year ban on all street based partying events to come to an end.  When asked he said, "What?" and when questioned he commented, "I had a headache and I never get invited anyway.  No party."

Cries of, "We're coming for you frizz head," echoed throughout the streets last night as hundreds of unopposed Rebels descended on the Gaddafi compound in search of 'Events registration form 12-C'.  One Rebel enthusiastically commented, "I don't care about his headache, the people of Libya have waited too long and suffered too much, we have been tortured for too long, it is our time to strike, and party we will.  Once we have secured the form, filled it out in triplicate only then can we get Mustav working on the DJ set."

This weeks capturing of Tripoli at the hands and feet of Rebel Forces has put an end to Gaddafi's party ruining ways with celebrations set to be, "In full swing," for a quality shindig this coming weekend.  "We're stoked," said one Fool as he foolishly sprayed bullets across the sky killing three civilians who were strategically placed two miles away in a security bunker, "It's going to be great, I hope Deborah shows up, I think I might be in."

It is thought that a flag parade through the streets of the city's smouldering shell will be followed by a slap up buffet and some kissing before the real celebrations get underway on Saturday night.

One Unstoppable claimed, "Six months of fighting have all been leading up to this.  It's going to be a blinder, literally.  I've spent the duration of the fighting sober and that is pretty hard for an alcoholic, so come Saturday I'm drinking myself blind and having a bang up time.  Also literally."

Events Organiser Halim had this to say, "They'll be bunting like you've never seen.  We've already shipped in the biscuits and we are just waiting on the liquor and strippers.  We're thinking of letting them start their act during the minutes' silence to the dead masses, it's probably what they would have wanted, it's what we want and consistency is key."

He continued, "We've set up a VIP section down at the harbour for all the cool Rebels, you know, the ones that wear the hats, and we've turned the main road into a slip 'n slide.  Whacky is not the word.  But it is a good one."

Travel arrangements have been put in place for getting the entire population to the capital in time for the festivities and Guinness have even sent over an official to have a nose around to observe if this street party is as big as it claims to be.

Halim summed it up best, "In summary, we are chuffed.  Really really chuffed.  We've have overthrown the shackles of our tyrannical leader and his no party policies and now we are free to have fun and put our own party organising skills into practice.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sparkle."

Syria Jump On Civil War Bandwagon

by Shaky Parkinson

Syria has descended into Civil War with last week's celebrations culminating in a huge open-air party in Hama on Sunday.  "We just had to do it," said one Citizen, "If it's good enough for Tunisia then its good enough for us.  This is going to be such a blast."

It is reported that around 140 people were killed in this weekend's shindig and that further deaths have been reported since.  "We knew that some life would be lost, I mean this is a civil war," claimed one Resident, "We are just trying to keep it as civil as possible but so far it isn't working."

"We may have bitten off more than we can chew," sited one Gang Leader, whose name we cannot print due to knowledge reasons.  "We forgot that even though we have lots of guns, the army has better ones.  I'll be honest with you the planning was really left by the wayside.  You really cannot wing a Civil War. Oh well, best foot forward.  AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" he screamed fleeing the confines of the building.

When asked for a statement the Syrian Army was quoted as saying, "We entered into this conflict on good faith but now we are paying the price.  The resistance has been somewhat lacking in pizzazz, we thought our Civil War would be cooler than the others but it has just descended into anarchy and death like all the rest."

It seems the poor state of affairs is causing a lot of tension within all camps and it is feared a violent outbreak may occur.  During a 'Time Out' period the opposing leaders all met and decided the only way to salvage the War was, "By keeping the UN out of it.  We don't want those Western chumps gate crashing our party like they did Libya's.  If we keep them off the guest list our Civil War will be unique and we'll have the edge."

The news sparked a unity between the opposing sides and another celebration was held in the town of Albu Kamal were a 13-year-old boy was quickly shot dead by security forces.  With Abdul and Rami heading down the shops for a fresh supply of ammunition the party is set to be the biggest in the countries history and eclipse all other Civil Wars that have gone before.

The UN was much put out by the decision to exclude them and have gone into mumblings at their New York headquarters.