North Korea Poised To Play History's Biggest Bluff

by Shaky Parkinson

Continuing fears about North Korea's nuclear weapon capabilities have suffered a sharp knock in credibility after a meeting of world leaders has claimed the country is simply 'Bluffing' and that its technological developments haven't yet 'Passed beyond the acquisition of a Pritt Stick'.

Continuous threats coupled with only minor blanket advertising are claimed to have highlighted the world's governments to the country's lack of action, with Foreign Secretary William Hague noting, "Kim Jong-un isn't positioned to be offering us these grand threats and it appears his intentions are nothing more than idle argy bargy brought about to further an ego boost."

He continued, "He should have gotten out while the going was good, not pussy foot around with a few ifs and buts. If North Korea truly wanted to sell us the idea of a thermo-nuclear war they would have bombed Seoul weeks ago, the situation we are in now is laughable and it has been agreed that the big NK should step down from the table and call it quits."

Statements issued from Pyongyang have rebuffed the claims stating, "We're dead serious about all this. We've made it really clear that if South Korea doesn't stop ignoring us and start panicking we'll launch all our bombs and stuff at them.  If we decided to give you a tour around are really sweet army bases then you'd see that all our tech is quality and if anyone thinks we are bluffing we'll use all our blowy uppy things and hav' 'em."

Kimmy, trying to stay in high spirits
during a game of odd man out.

The foreign office was quick to reassure travellers of the region's continuing stability by claiming, "That there is no increased danger in the area and certainly no immediate threat posed to any visitors to South Korea beyond a dodgy street vendor." This feeling was reiterated by Hague who went on to claim that, "North Korea has our deepest condolences and we're just hoping this whole fiasco blows over quickly and we can all go out for a drink to settle our differences.  Maybe it's not us that needs to listen. Words don't always have to hurt.  Isn't that right Kimmy?"

South Korea was also portraying a nation in the throws of calmness with President Park Geun-hye shrugging off the threats as idle banter, "No need to worry, they do this from time to time," she stated, "It's just a thing we have.  Give it a week or so and the matter will be ancient history."

In his garden President Obama
searches for potential missiles.

These comments sparked further frustration from the North Korean capital with comments being released stating, "We are well 'ard and if no one believes us we are going to blow shit up.  We mean business and death to all the twats!  No joke, the reason we haven't fired any missiles yet is because we don't want any of you stupid foreigners living south of the border to get hurt.  That's compassion that is but we've got deadlines to hit and we've been left with no other option than to get this thermo-nuclear fun storm underway.  As soon as the wind is in the right position and the missiles have been cleaned you better watch out.  We are a nation at war and if everyone wants to ignore that and make us out to be bullies then we'll have to sort 'em out."

President Obama responded with a well received, "Oh no he didn't," before going onto say, "The threats levelled at the United Sates of America are pretty negligible, even if one of these 'missiles' could reach our shores it'll probably just buff up the work for the local archaeologists."

Japanese mount terrifying defense.

Concern however wasn't absent with Japan deploying anti-aircraft launchers reasoning, "We don't believe in bluffs.  The only thing we understand is that North Korea has said it will soon be launching some nuclear weapons our way and because the evidence shows us this is not unlikely we have no choice but to take these threat seriously.  Although these are simply just cautionary measures we don't really foresee any future problems, I mean we took down Godzilla, we got this."

Tensions and opinions are still varied although much less strained and it is this writer's hope that these threats remain idle and that no one flicks the switch.

Norway Are Taking The Piss

by Shaky Parkinson (Fucking Norwegians, I suppose its best to give them their moment in the spotlight so we won't have to hear from them for a while).

Angered by a recent blow to their society coupled with only a marginal shimmer of grief from the global community has triggered Norway to literally 'let out the bears'.  The tragedy occurred at the Von Post glacier near Santa's pad, where a stray Polar Bear infiltrated the camp of the BRITISH!!! Schools Exploring Society killing an unnamed 17-year-old BRITISH!!! Youth.

Despite being warned about the potential of a fiasco the stubborn scientists dismissed the idea as "ludicrous" after a quick bought with the calculator.  Pandemonium ensued when the unexpected houseguest stumbled aimlessly onto the campsite causing uncertainty, disbelief and doubt at the nature of Mathematics.  It seems the Polar Bear had strayed there while allegedly out looking for some snacks and a 'bevvie'.  "We think he got lost in a sudden snow storm and ended up taking a wrong turn at Svalbard," said the Voice in my Head.

Upon entering the camp he was greeted with anger, abuse and a closed bar.  The accompanying barrage of scientific instruments and lack of manners became the last straw and caused the Polar Bear to, "Flip the fuck out and go stark raving bonkers.  He was cute and cuddly through binoculars but close up he was really scary," stated a second Voice.

The resulting attack left four people severely injured and one Youth, "Without life," claimed a distraught Survivor, "After that experience I can say for sure that everyone dreamt of polar bears that night."

The name of the dead chappie has yet to be released but a spokesperson from BSES said, "We don't want to tarnish the reputation of the deceased and create any unwanted grief for his parents by revealing his really funny name to the press but I can assure you it is hilarious.  We're talking piss yourself funny.  Okay it's Richard Harmless."

While being dragged from captivity the Polar Bear claimed, "AAAAAAARRRRRRHHHHH!!!"  Which run past a bear vocal specialist we believe to read, "I was just chillin' out looking for a brew when those damn pervy tourists who had been eyeing me up for the last four days started attacking me.  I was stuck on the ice for days and all those fuckers' did was point and giggle.  They took away my buzz so I took away their faces."

The tragedy is set to eclipse the Anders murderfest with the British Government demanding an apology. "We want an apology," bellowed Foreign Secretary William Hague, "If those daft cunts hadn't been sat around crying they may have been keeping a closer eye on those retarded children we sent them."