Dickhead's Can't Win Tennis

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's Australian Open semi-final between Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray has laid down definitive proof that Dickheads are unable to win tennis.  It seems no matter how hard the Scottish tennisman played, he was unable to claim victory because of his inability to smile due to a severe affliction.

It is thought that the amount of people suffering with Dickheaditus is on a rise across the globe and the number of people infected rose by one million percent over the holidays alone.  Experts say that the current statistics are worryingish and that without a cure the problem may soon turn into a pandemic.

Professor. John Professor of Edinburgh University has been leading a pioneering study into Dickheadology (The Study Of Pricks) over the last two years and his team have already made substantial discoveries in the field.

"Dickheads are everywhere," explained Professor, "They run our banks, invade our pop charts and spout out blosh from our television sets.  We have also discovered that the 'Dickhead' mindset is highly contagious and usually targets children under the age of twenty."

He continued, "If we look at Andy Murray in particular we can see the advanced stages of the disease at work.  He has lost all semblance of sportsmanship and elegance while filling up to the brim with impatient anger.  All these traits manifest themselves most strongly when he is put up against stronger competition in the latter stages of high ranking tennis championships and his defeat today is a clear demonstration that being a Dickhead means you can never truly be a winner."

Posing egomaniac McIntyre.

"Although this may not always be the case.  If we look at the likes of Michael McIntyre, Ricky Gervais and Martin Freeman we can see a high level of success in their chosen field.  We call this strain of the disease 'Mystifying'.  In such cases we see an adaption of the disease's binary code to the industry in question that causes fellow sufferers to become ignorant to the effects and subconsciously encourage a distinct increase in degradation in all the participants. This is called homing and in many cases certain industries have become so infected with Dickheads they are beyond help.  We know it and Ricky Gervais knows it that deep down he is a Dickhead but without a cure this poor man is doomed to suffer forever."  

Professor and his team of researchers have been working under hazardous conditions in some of Britain's biggest corporations to obtain data they hope to implement in a cure and next weeks publication will reveal the extent of their successes.

"I'll be blunt with you, it isn't looking good," sighed research assistant Stephen Poliakoff, "We've already tried re-commissioning additional episodes of Hustle to take over Sherlock's Saturday night time-slot.  Along with this we've also offered a thumbs up to Rafael Nadal and tried shooting Chris Moyles but nothing seems to have worked.  The current strain of the virus is proving immune to our best efforts and a more rigorous program is needed.  With that in mind a firebombing of Coronation Street and Albert Square have been scheduled for Saturday but with the disease already progressing to such an advanced state our research might prove worthless."

"If Dickheaditus is not stopped the British public will never see a home grown Scotsman take home the prize," shouted Professor, "This virus is crippling and needs fighting.  Without a cure there are thousands of people walking the streets unable to think straight, muster up a creative thought or even act with civility and that is a scary thought."

An in depth report into the disease will be running on BBC One on Monday between the evening News and The One Show.

Michael McIntyre Attacks Digital Breasts

by Brutal Robbins

Critically acclaimed comedian, Michael McIntyre, 35, took to the London streets in fits of rage today after playing the latest ‘Dead Or Alive’ video game.  Originally spectators suspected that McIntyre’s display was attributed to the level of violence within the game but when questioned about his outburst, McIntyre revealed his issues were much closer to the heart than anyone could have predicted.

“Have you seen the breasts on the women in these video games?” He asked our reporter, “Not only are they preposterously disproportionate but the game contains a physics element that causes their breasts to bounce around in the most unrealistic manor, it’s disgusting.”

“Now let me make my point clearer,” McIntyre went on to say, “I have absolutely no problem with films or video, computer games portraying women as objects of sexual purpose. But when a dirty, sun deprived game developer somewhere in Japan alters the illusion by over exaggerating a woman’s breast movements, it’s going to do nothing but damage.”

When asked what ‘damage’ he was predicting would be caused by the computer games ‘Jiggle Physics’, the Britain’s Got Talent judge had this to say. “It’s a matter of bodily functions,” he digressed, “These kind of video games attract the attention of thousands of pubescent boys and we all know what they think about all the time."

Well imagine if you will a young lad.” At this time McIntyre paused for a considerable amount of time with a look on his face that our reporter interpreted as eager anticipation and excitement before clearing his throat and continuing. “As I said, bodily functions. A young teenager is playing the ‘Dead or Alive’ video, computer game and he can’t help but notice the gigantic breasts wobbling all over the screen in front of him.”

“He’s going to get excited, he can’t help it,” the comedian explains, “And when a lad of that particular age gets excited, well you know what happens, things get messy. And when that happens to a controller, well, lets just say it wont be able to ‘control’ very much after a good dowsing.”

“Those controllers are very expensive,” McIntyre cursed, “My controller is completely destroyed now, broken beyond repair, and its all because I was playing this forsaken game. I’m furious.”

McIntyre intends to take this further according to the following message posted on his Twitter this afternoon, “Look out for a free comedy show coming later this month to put a stop to the ‘DOA’ breasts. It will be called ‘Giggle to stop Jiggle.”

For all of those interested, tickets can be obtained by visiting www.stop-jiggle.co.uk