Man Wakes Up After 6,000 Year Coma

by Shaky Parkinson

Dennis with his flash agent
Flash. 

Accountant and part-time Reese Witherspoon lookalike Dennis Bradshaw has today woken up after being in a coma for 6,000 years.  Dennis slipped into a stressed induced comatose state after a nasty land debate with some fellow hunter gatherers in the early bronze age but came too this morning when his alarm was uncovered at a nearby archaeological dig.

"I suppose a land argument was pretty trivial but that's all we had back then, that and hairy copulation," enunciated Bradshaw, "This neighbour of mine Pete, we called him Pete 'cos it was short for Peter, had moved his fence a couple of feet into my garden.  The whole situation was absurd, there were several thousand acres of untouched countryside on the other side of his garden but he was just out for the spite.  I must seem like a simple soul arguing over such a stupid thing but it was a different time."

Scientists, Archaeologists and Descendants from around the world have been flown into Wiltshire General for a chance to speak with Dennis.  "This man is a miracle," claimed renowned gynaecologist Dr.  P. Ervy, "It is highly unusual for a patient in such a deep coma to wake up after such prolonged sleep."

"We're very excited," beamed Medical Scientist Doctor, Judith Tosh, "We're hoping that Dennis will be able to answer many of our questions such as, what is it like being in a coma, what was his best dream and what does he think of the iPad3.  I'm ecstatic."

"All this attention is very flattering," claimed Dennis, "I've been awake for twenty minutes and I've seen more people in the last ten minutes than I did in my entire life.  I've already skimmed through your history books and it is more or less perfectly accurate as far as I can remember.  Then again I was a heavy drinker and this is what lead to the break down of my union with Jennifer.  'Stop dragging mud into the roundhouse, no deer blood on the sheep carcasses', I mean is it any wonder I turned hit the liquor?  No mud in the roundhouse I tell you, there's mud everywhere, please tell me things are better now and it's all gone."

Bradshaw's residence, lying untouched
in the Swindon suburbs and
currently housing the
Wilshire Chicken Museum.

When asked what he thought of the modern world Dennis was eager to express his thoughts, "It's pretty much the same just a little more shiny and bizarre, frankly I'm not enjoying it very much.  Imagine waking up from the best sleep anyone has ever experienced to see a repeat of 'Cash In The Attic' starring back at you.  It nearly sent me back under."

After the press conference we spoke to Dennis' agent Tom Flash, "He's going to be big, massive, huge, enormous, like my vocabulary.  We've already signed a book deal that'll blow that Rowling bint out of the water and Dennis is already scheduled to take over from Judith Keppel on Eggheads.  I'm stunned with excitement, joy, happiness."

"I think it's a disgrace," screamed one Protester from their camp outside the hospital, "This is just another case of the Government giving another freeloader an easy ride.  He hasn't paid any tax since 4012 B.C. and going by inflation that amounts to nothing more than a gesture of goodwill and who has to front the bill for his medical costs.  Us and possibly mostly everyone else."

Alas the party didn't last too long as an unmonitored Bradshaw was able to asses the remote control and accidentally switched himself over to 'Sherlock' and was found seconds later banging his head repeatedly on the wall in a successful attempt at re-inducing his comatose state.

"It's a sad day for money," sobbed Flash, "He'll be forgotten but never missed."

Dickhead's Can't Win Tennis

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's Australian Open semi-final between Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray has laid down definitive proof that Dickheads are unable to win tennis.  It seems no matter how hard the Scottish tennisman played, he was unable to claim victory because of his inability to smile due to a severe affliction.

It is thought that the amount of people suffering with Dickheaditus is on a rise across the globe and the number of people infected rose by one million percent over the holidays alone.  Experts say that the current statistics are worryingish and that without a cure the problem may soon turn into a pandemic.

Professor. John Professor of Edinburgh University has been leading a pioneering study into Dickheadology (The Study Of Pricks) over the last two years and his team have already made substantial discoveries in the field.

"Dickheads are everywhere," explained Professor, "They run our banks, invade our pop charts and spout out blosh from our television sets.  We have also discovered that the 'Dickhead' mindset is highly contagious and usually targets children under the age of twenty."

He continued, "If we look at Andy Murray in particular we can see the advanced stages of the disease at work.  He has lost all semblance of sportsmanship and elegance while filling up to the brim with impatient anger.  All these traits manifest themselves most strongly when he is put up against stronger competition in the latter stages of high ranking tennis championships and his defeat today is a clear demonstration that being a Dickhead means you can never truly be a winner."

Posing egomaniac McIntyre.

"Although this may not always be the case.  If we look at the likes of Michael McIntyre, Ricky Gervais and Martin Freeman we can see a high level of success in their chosen field.  We call this strain of the disease 'Mystifying'.  In such cases we see an adaption of the disease's binary code to the industry in question that causes fellow sufferers to become ignorant to the effects and subconsciously encourage a distinct increase in degradation in all the participants. This is called homing and in many cases certain industries have become so infected with Dickheads they are beyond help.  We know it and Ricky Gervais knows it that deep down he is a Dickhead but without a cure this poor man is doomed to suffer forever."  

Professor and his team of researchers have been working under hazardous conditions in some of Britain's biggest corporations to obtain data they hope to implement in a cure and next weeks publication will reveal the extent of their successes.

"I'll be blunt with you, it isn't looking good," sighed research assistant Stephen Poliakoff, "We've already tried re-commissioning additional episodes of Hustle to take over Sherlock's Saturday night time-slot.  Along with this we've also offered a thumbs up to Rafael Nadal and tried shooting Chris Moyles but nothing seems to have worked.  The current strain of the virus is proving immune to our best efforts and a more rigorous program is needed.  With that in mind a firebombing of Coronation Street and Albert Square have been scheduled for Saturday but with the disease already progressing to such an advanced state our research might prove worthless."

"If Dickheaditus is not stopped the British public will never see a home grown Scotsman take home the prize," shouted Professor, "This virus is crippling and needs fighting.  Without a cure there are thousands of people walking the streets unable to think straight, muster up a creative thought or even act with civility and that is a scary thought."

An in depth report into the disease will be running on BBC One on Monday between the evening News and The One Show.