Michael McIntyre Attacks Digital Breasts

by Brutal Robbins

Critically acclaimed comedian, Michael McIntyre, 35, took to the London streets in fits of rage today after playing the latest ‘Dead Or Alive’ video game.  Originally spectators suspected that McIntyre’s display was attributed to the level of violence within the game but when questioned about his outburst, McIntyre revealed his issues were much closer to the heart than anyone could have predicted.

“Have you seen the breasts on the women in these video games?” He asked our reporter, “Not only are they preposterously disproportionate but the game contains a physics element that causes their breasts to bounce around in the most unrealistic manor, it’s disgusting.”

“Now let me make my point clearer,” McIntyre went on to say, “I have absolutely no problem with films or video, computer games portraying women as objects of sexual purpose. But when a dirty, sun deprived game developer somewhere in Japan alters the illusion by over exaggerating a woman’s breast movements, it’s going to do nothing but damage.”

When asked what ‘damage’ he was predicting would be caused by the computer games ‘Jiggle Physics’, the Britain’s Got Talent judge had this to say. “It’s a matter of bodily functions,” he digressed, “These kind of video games attract the attention of thousands of pubescent boys and we all know what they think about all the time."

Well imagine if you will a young lad.” At this time McIntyre paused for a considerable amount of time with a look on his face that our reporter interpreted as eager anticipation and excitement before clearing his throat and continuing. “As I said, bodily functions. A young teenager is playing the ‘Dead or Alive’ video, computer game and he can’t help but notice the gigantic breasts wobbling all over the screen in front of him.”

“He’s going to get excited, he can’t help it,” the comedian explains, “And when a lad of that particular age gets excited, well you know what happens, things get messy. And when that happens to a controller, well, lets just say it wont be able to ‘control’ very much after a good dowsing.”

“Those controllers are very expensive,” McIntyre cursed, “My controller is completely destroyed now, broken beyond repair, and its all because I was playing this forsaken game. I’m furious.”

McIntyre intends to take this further according to the following message posted on his Twitter this afternoon, “Look out for a free comedy show coming later this month to put a stop to the ‘DOA’ breasts. It will be called ‘Giggle to stop Jiggle.”

For all of those interested, tickets can be obtained by visiting www.stop-jiggle.co.uk

Murray Suspected Of Poisoning Jolly Rival

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has been accused of poisoning this years Wimbledon Championship favourite Roger Federer.  In a shock turn of events Federer was shockingly eliminated from the Wimbledon Quarter-finals earlier in a haze of shock.  Devastated fans looked on in amazement as the 'Greatest Tennis Player Ever' failed to beat his opponent Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

Once confusion had made way for grief many spectators suddenly realised they had seen Andy Murray sneak onto the pitch dressed as a tennis shoe towards the end of the second set.  "He was up to no good," wheezed one member of the general pubic.

Police were slowly called in but were unable to question the British Number, as he was required on centre court to dazzle the amassed idiots.  They were able to get a brief mumble from the miserable ballsack but it was so dull Officer's were unable to retain the words long enough to write them down.

They resulted to observing his mannerisms during his performance to see if anything was amiss.  Behaviour expert, Dennis Dennis found Murray's smug arrogance somewhat suspicious until a nosey Fan explained, "Oh, he always looks like that.  It's why he is so awesome."

It is believed that Murray was acting in cahoots with his power hungry mother, Judy, as one of his puppet strings was found under Roger's chair by a team of forensic specialist people men.

Unfortunately there was not enough evidence to make the charges stick and an organised crowd whinge forced the fuzz to make a quick sanity saving retreat.

It is now feared that the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club are under the threat from a severe raping by the star and a full-time Police presence has been issued to protect the association, (except for bank holidays, weekends and lunchtime).

Agoraphobic Sentenced To Home Incarceration

by Shaky Parkinson

Computer weirdo, Ryan Cleary has been released on bail today and a curfew has been put in place.  After slapping the FBI in the face last week Cleary was arrested and detained at an Essex Police Station, pleading ignorance.


After much time wasting he was today sentenced to go home and stay there.  Ryan who is a prolific agoraphobic thanked the justice system for being so understanding before running away to hide in some bushes.


Due to a complete inability to communicate with the teen, officers claim to have been forced into decision.  “He was just a pain, we couldn’t ruff him up or even get him to accept a cup of tea.  We even tried good cop, bad cop but this put the cleaners in a huff,” said Police Chief Constable Gubbins.

He went on to say, “To be honest if the FBI hadn’t been wanking off round the station we would have just given him an ASBO and have had done with it.  But we had to make a big hoohah, so we employed drastic measures and sent him back to bed.”

Officer Marks who had the honour of monitoring the Stubble Farm had this to say, “This kid is a fucking pain.  That’s if you can call him a kid, he didn’t have a hoodie and his graffiti art was non-existent.  I don’t see the problem, he was only playing video games or something.”

Cleary who has spent the last four years locked up in his bedroom is pleased to be allowed back into his self made prison.  A spokesman from Scotty Yard said, “This is the most cost effective way of dealing with the offender.  Not only does this save us some money for the staff do but we don’t have to deal with his whining attitude.  It is best to leave him under the supervision of the only two people who can stand to be near him.  His Mother and pet cat, Tiddles.”

Cleary was sentenced to a home curfew and dragged from the station under blanket cover.  One Spectator had this to convey, “He was so delighted he wet himself a bit, but that may have been partly due to the media presence.”

Ryan was told that any attempts at breaking curfew would result in a conservatory and that next time things might be even worse.  Mrs. Cleary threw up her hands in the face of gratitude by deeming the sentence an abomination.  "My poor baby has been unfairly treated.  Not only was he given expert medical attention, he has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and has had a bad time of it," she waffled.

Interest in the story is fading fast as it tends to do.

Jane Norman Dies at 59

by Shaky Parkinson

Fashion retailer Jane Norman died last night at her London headquarters.  She allegedly suffered from a serious bout of debt in the early hours and when called in Administrators were unable to revive her.  It seems her illness had been growing worse over the last year but to keep face she had kept it all 'hush hush'.

"There was nothing we could do, things had gotten so bad that the £140million bill sent her symptoms into catastrophic failure.  She just couldn't go on," was the statement given by the Zolfo Cooper representative.

Jane, who has been described as a "Sexy and affordable adaption of catwalk trends," will be missed by her 1,600 live in friends and grieving females everywhere.  The sale of her 90 strong estate is already underway but as yet no one is willing to step up and buy the properties.  One possible client said, "The grief was just to damn strong and having seen the empty building I died a little inside."

In other news someone has stepped up to buy the estate, something we didn't know just a few seconds ago.

The fashion guru who had been selling dresses to the public for over fifty years "Will not be missed", says some bloke from Putney, "I've never even heard of her.  It's not like we lost Sport Soccer.  Am I getting paid for this?"

A full autopsy is underway at Zolfo HQ and it is also believed that 'depressed sales' have been linked with the death and anyone who has knowledge of its whereabouts should contact the authorities immediately as they are deemed highly dangerous.

A candlelit vigil is being held outside Jane's house and it is hoped that women aged 16-25 will be the main attendants.

The death comes in the same week that Habitat, Moben, Kitchen's Direct and Dolphin suffered similar fates and it is believed that this particular strain of depression could cause serious health problems for other people in the coming months.

Online Ticket Purchase To Become New Olympic Sport

by Shaky Parkinson

After the epic demands placed onto the Internet this morning Olympic Chief Count Rogge has declared that Online Ticket Purchasing will become a regular fixture of the events.

The hoorah started at 6am proper time, when two million left over curling tickets went on sale to the general public.  The competition was fierce and only the top computer literates were gifted with the seats of their choice.

Having seen the enthusiasm and monetary profits from the newly recognised sport Rogge commented, "If we get this one off the ground it might knock my Forbes Rating up to no.66."

Ian Cludgley, a computer geek from Swindon who was the first to successfully complete the purchasing process is currently in talks with the British Olympic Association about forming a one-man team for the next games.

He went onto to chatter, "This is a new sport that has taken the world by storm and I want to be a part of that.  Having worked in IT for over twenty years has given me the skills I need to take Britain to the top.  I feel..."  Cludgley was unavailable to elaborate because his talktalk connection suddenly evaporated and his MSN feed died.

"What we can take from this is that filling out online forms is something that the British people have come to love and excel at, and Cludgley is the man for the job" said BOA's head Colin Moynihan, "That medal is as good as ours."

The Government were quick to praise the sport saying, "It will probably be good for young people and they are all that matter."

Latest Series Of 'Prime Minister's Questions' Is Doing Good

by Shaky Parkinson

The latest series of Prime Minister's Questions has shocked critics and ratings polls alike by breaking all previous records for the show.  The confident 'come out swinging' attitude of the show's hero David Cameron is apparently a runaway hit with the public.

The shows producers the BBC have whinged that the new format is working a treat and makes a welcome change from the tyrannical exploits of the previous cast.  Gordon Brown's stupid blustery bitching wasn't doing the viewers any good but his replacement Ed Miliband is working well with the ensemble cast.

Miliband, who has been brought in to field critical abuse from the shows lead has until now handled the role to perfection.  His bumbling, witless, insulting and misinformed contribution to the cast has created a vicious harmony between 'opposing sides' The Red and Blue Team.

Today's episode is said to have smashed all ratings since the shows inception and David's all out confident attack on the entire house came as a shock to viewers.  No Member of Parliament was left unscathed by David Cameron's unstoppable train of dialogue.  "He fielded question after question without so much as a glance at his notes," says co-star George Osborne, "I wouldn't want to play him at Trivial Pursuit."

The pace of the program never abated and after Miliband was left to sulk in the kiddie's corner Cameron clearly established himself as the shows out right leader.  The program's researchers are confused as to the origin of his in depth encyclopedic knowledge of all things political.  "We just gave him a piece of paper that read 'Wing it'," said one Researcher while busy making willy jokes on Wikipedia.

The audience response to the program was ecstatic.  One Hag from Winchester had this to say, "I love him, I have a picture of him on my wall and I think he is right good."  Further praise was given to the Blue Team's leader in the form of Mrs. Miss from Dudley, "He's a hunk and I'm totally voting for him next time."

The news of the shows success wasn't taken well by Miliband who is in talks with the unemployment office about switching to their current ratings boomer 'Job Centre Fortnightly'.  Apparently he suffered mental and emotional abuse at the hands of his co-star Cameron and was not gifted with the cuddles he was promised.

With today's ratings peaking at 4.8billion the shows creators are hoping that the upsurge will allow them to push for another series.  The same group later okayed this decision and a search for a new Red Team Leader is underway.  If the move does go ahead the producers are praying to God that Ed Balls will step in and take over the reins so that they can continually print his name over and over again.

Nick Clegg was unwanted for comment.

Website Focus Group Gets Tangled

by Shaky Parkinson

A nineteen-year-old Teenager has today hacked into the FBI's digital porn stash.  The Teen who was part of a website focus group in Putney was baffled when he clicked on a tab marked 'Secret FBI Porn And Info Bank: Do Not Open'.

Upon doing so he was presented with over sixty million wonderful pornographic images, a complete list of national missile defense codes and a funny picture of Barrack Obama in a Jessica Rabbit outfit.

The FBI and Scotland Yard were quick to react to the intrusion by arresting the disgusting computer hacker and confiscating his assigned laptop.  Forensic analysis proved unquestionably that the Youth was fully responsible for breaching global online security and posed a threat to the universe.

The Youngster has been unavailable to comment but the phrase; "Stupid fuckers" has been murmured under the door of the lock up.  The Boy's Parents are in agreement with the authorities that extradition is the only option to protect the whole of humanity from his insane ways.  They also added the reason may also have been because, "He never ate his greens and made a hash of the lawn."

The rest of the focus group were quick to praise the new Internet website and database saying it was the most marvelous thing they had ever seen.  This suspicious behaviour was indeed sussed out by the FBI and it was decided that a group extradition was the only way to be perfectly sure that the smut stayed hidden and secure.

No one will not be paid their £50 incentive.

Underground Union Admits Spoil-Sport Attitude

by Jack 'The Mac' Mack

Bob Crow of underground union Unite admitted today that the recent spate of strikes were due to tube workers wanting to wreak revenge on fun-loving commuters.

Crow himself spoke from his humble throne made from ivory and children's tears this morning: "I'm amazed I have to spell this out for you all.  The previous strike was planned for the Royal Wedding.  My lads were furious at having to ferry around the smug bastards who were all getting a day off.  So we decided to wipe the smiles off their stupid fat faces by leaving them no choice but to get on a bus or use a Boris bike.  Unfortunately our demands were met so we had no choice but to give in".  Up until now the union rep claimed it was over two staff members sacking (viewed by Crow and his colleagues as unjust) but the truth is finally out.

This will come as no surprise to people who complained their plans for Wimbledon were spoilt over the weekend.  Crow continued; "I don't know about you but I fucking hate tennis.  It's a stupid sport, the ball is too small and the thought of people cheering on that miserable turd Andy Murray makes me want to froth at the mouth.  So we were determined to spoil their day, job done."

Crow touched on future plans to spoil children's birthday parties and religious holidays.  "It's just a matter of getting it right really.  Personally I'm glad the real reason is out in the open.  With the tribunal date scheduled for those two idiots who are suspended we couldn't use it as an excuse forever.  Best to come clean."

Boris Johnson who has been in talks with Crow was unavailable for comment.  So we can assume he said something to offend the scousers.

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