Jane Norman Dies at 59

by Shaky Parkinson

Fashion retailer Jane Norman died last night at her London headquarters.  She allegedly suffered from a serious bout of debt in the early hours and when called in Administrators were unable to revive her.  It seems her illness had been growing worse over the last year but to keep face she had kept it all 'hush hush'.

"There was nothing we could do, things had gotten so bad that the £140million bill sent her symptoms into catastrophic failure.  She just couldn't go on," was the statement given by the Zolfo Cooper representative.

Jane, who has been described as a "Sexy and affordable adaption of catwalk trends," will be missed by her 1,600 live in friends and grieving females everywhere.  The sale of her 90 strong estate is already underway but as yet no one is willing to step up and buy the properties.  One possible client said, "The grief was just to damn strong and having seen the empty building I died a little inside."

In other news someone has stepped up to buy the estate, something we didn't know just a few seconds ago.

The fashion guru who had been selling dresses to the public for over fifty years "Will not be missed", says some bloke from Putney, "I've never even heard of her.  It's not like we lost Sport Soccer.  Am I getting paid for this?"

A full autopsy is underway at Zolfo HQ and it is also believed that 'depressed sales' have been linked with the death and anyone who has knowledge of its whereabouts should contact the authorities immediately as they are deemed highly dangerous.

A candlelit vigil is being held outside Jane's house and it is hoped that women aged 16-25 will be the main attendants.

The death comes in the same week that Habitat, Moben, Kitchen's Direct and Dolphin suffered similar fates and it is believed that this particular strain of depression could cause serious health problems for other people in the coming months.