Agoraphobic Sentenced To Home Incarceration

by Shaky Parkinson

Computer weirdo, Ryan Cleary has been released on bail today and a curfew has been put in place.  After slapping the FBI in the face last week Cleary was arrested and detained at an Essex Police Station, pleading ignorance.


After much time wasting he was today sentenced to go home and stay there.  Ryan who is a prolific agoraphobic thanked the justice system for being so understanding before running away to hide in some bushes.


Due to a complete inability to communicate with the teen, officers claim to have been forced into decision.  “He was just a pain, we couldn’t ruff him up or even get him to accept a cup of tea.  We even tried good cop, bad cop but this put the cleaners in a huff,” said Police Chief Constable Gubbins.

He went on to say, “To be honest if the FBI hadn’t been wanking off round the station we would have just given him an ASBO and have had done with it.  But we had to make a big hoohah, so we employed drastic measures and sent him back to bed.”

Officer Marks who had the honour of monitoring the Stubble Farm had this to say, “This kid is a fucking pain.  That’s if you can call him a kid, he didn’t have a hoodie and his graffiti art was non-existent.  I don’t see the problem, he was only playing video games or something.”

Cleary who has spent the last four years locked up in his bedroom is pleased to be allowed back into his self made prison.  A spokesman from Scotty Yard said, “This is the most cost effective way of dealing with the offender.  Not only does this save us some money for the staff do but we don’t have to deal with his whining attitude.  It is best to leave him under the supervision of the only two people who can stand to be near him.  His Mother and pet cat, Tiddles.”

Cleary was sentenced to a home curfew and dragged from the station under blanket cover.  One Spectator had this to convey, “He was so delighted he wet himself a bit, but that may have been partly due to the media presence.”

Ryan was told that any attempts at breaking curfew would result in a conservatory and that next time things might be even worse.  Mrs. Cleary threw up her hands in the face of gratitude by deeming the sentence an abomination.  "My poor baby has been unfairly treated.  Not only was he given expert medical attention, he has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and has had a bad time of it," she waffled.

Interest in the story is fading fast as it tends to do.