Monitored Email Shows Plans To Monitor Emails

by Shaky Parkinson

GCHQ were shocked today when they located an email from the Home Office outlining a new bill that would see them gain powers to legally monitor the Internet activity of the British public.  The proposed legislation that would see GCHQ obtaining all Internet and electronic communication activity of anyone living within the British Isles saw light under the Labour regime but was forced down after strong protest from rights activists and both Conservative and Liberal Democrat parties.  Despite strong objections from Tory MP's such as David Davis the coalition's latest suicide attempt is proving none to popular with the electorate and a plea for sense is being offered by activists to talk them down.

"We were just snooping around the Home Office data banks and this turned up," claimed shock GCHQ employee A.A. Anonymous, "It's great, now I can check up on anyone and have a good old perve.  Hopefully it'll work internally as well because Karen in accounts has some saucy pictures on her phone she won't show me but now she doesn't have to."

"I'm not ashamed of viewing gay midget fantasy porn."

"Frankly this legislation is absurd," fumed Anna Sour, leader of UK Rights Group and Anti-Cannibal organisation T.O.U.G.H (The Outrageous Unfair Grilling of Humans), "Fair enough it might catch us a terror suspect or two but I don't want to fork out billions of pounds we can't afford to waste, only so marketing companies can gain access to my porn viewing habits.  I'm not ashamed of viewing gay midget fantasy porn but there are certain social stigma's attached to such material that could lose me a friend or two.  It's bad form."

"I've got nothing to hide," beamed Mr. William Plug of Chorley Wood, "And if proving that you can't find out my hidden agenda's, which I don't have because I'm better than everyone else means signing off everyone else's liberties then so be it.  That's their problem."

GCHQ Cheltenham, or is it?

We also spoke to concerned housewife Margaret Smudge of Cheltenham, "My husband works down the road at GCHQ and if he finds out that I've done our life's savings into GoBingo.com our marriage is as good as over.  Not only that but the Internet dating websites and online affair forums are certainly going to prove difficult.  He's suspicious as it is but without this bill he can't really check up on me but who knows what will happen if he gets these super powers."

"What other choices do we have?"

"Up until now we've been relying solely on phone tapping, interrogation and torture to get what we want," claimed MI5 Director General Jonathan Evans, "Frankly we need a twenty-first century solution to a twenty-first century problem.  At present the 'clear history' feature of all Internet browsers is crippling us.  We haven't caught a terror suspect in months and I'm struggling to fill my quotas.  I cannot see any other solution to ridding the world of global and domestic terrorism than this legislation.  Sure it's flawed, sure it's open to hackers, spies and pretty much anyone clever enough to swindle a key card out of a ninety year old security officer but what other choices do we have?"

It is thought the Queen is to give a shout out to the legislation in her next speech but even if the Monarch does give the bill a thumbs up the process will still take it through the House of Commons and the House of Lords where many critics are hoping that the bill will fail.