Miracle Cow Pig Hybrid Cures World Pessimism

by Shaky Parkinson

Pow (Artist Impression)

Scientists at Oxford University have claimed that they have cured world hunger in the most miraculous and tasty way possible.  The sudden discovery of a new cow pig hybrid in the Dean's private garden is being hailed by all as the second coming.

"This event cannot be measured in any feasible terms and even the phrase 'Epic' is a woeful understatement," beamed University Professor Dungus Fluff, "After we'd carried out the preliminary scientific necessities such as measuring it and giving it a name we were quick to get 'Pow' onto the barbecue for the taste test.  Luckily we were holding the monthly staff party and it is just wandered out of the shrubbery, if this isn't proof to back up the existence of God then we might as well quit now."

"We'll be able to cure."

"If you think you've tasted heaven then be prepared to question your beliefs because this shit is the bomb," slobbered Humanitarian Professor Charlie Eats, "It tastes like steak, pork, gammon and ribs all in one incredible mouthful with a bacony aftertaste that carries you through until the next bite.  They even have inbuilt suicidal tendencies and an innate ugliness that lends them easy butchering.  And it doesn't stop there; these fuckers just keep jumping out of the bushes so we're pretty confident that we'll be able to cure world hunger in a matter of weeks.  What a fucking win!"

Priests of all religions were quick to praise the miracle with the Pope declaring, "God has risen again and this time his followers will be so full of belief the world will soon be plunged into a tasty universal enlightenment."

Miracle garden.

"God works in mysterious ways," munched Archbishop Anders Plaff, "And if he sees fit to return to earth in the form of a cow pig chicken amalgamation thing who are we to question his designs?"

"Out of one fucking."

As is the human races usual want conflict was quick to muster with thousands of television chefs coming together to protest the miracle.  "This will fucking ruin us," fumed Gordon Ramsey, "How many recipes do you think we can milk out of one fucking animal especially when it tastes so fucking excellent?  This could be the end to contemporary food as we know it.  Think about Heston what the hell is that fucker going to do now people's diets will be so satisfyingly limited, there's only so much you can do with herpes cream."

Oxford University were quick to ease the situation by saying that a recipe book arrived stuck to one of the cows that featured over seventeen million different recipes for the new creature that swiftly killed the protest until the Vegetarians got wind of the story and began marching feebly on London."

The Government was quick to dispel the protests with impromptu feeding stations that were able to turn the most dedicated Vegetarians against their beliefs in acceptance of the one true Pow.  A breakaway sect of Vegetarianism merged with some renegade Vegans in a desperate bid to combat the change but with farmer's now on a well-deserved permanent vacation it is thought that the rebellion will soon die out.  "With all the chicken's being freed and the Vegan's limited berry knowledge and unsuitability to apple theft we are pretty confident they'll come to accept the new world in time," claimed Old McDonald.

"Hitting the village for a rape."

Warlord E. Vilevil celebrating
the coming of the Pow.

"Now that we have all the food we want I'm just a bit too full to indulge my blood lust," claimed African Warlord E. Vilevil, "The lads are happy so we're going to shelve the guns and catch up on Desperate Housewives instead of hitting the village for a rape."

Questions as to the creatures origin were being asked by the strongest atheists the Internet had to offer so News Guff gave the benefit of the doubt to Particle Physicist Edmund Spat of Cambridge University, "What we have here is an inter-dimensional tear in the space time continuum that is seeing an alien race being transported through time and space into the Dean's garden at Oxford University.  For all we know we're munching our way through the population of Venus without a care for the consequences.  With this theory I think we can adequately dispel the ludicrous notion of miracles.  Next they'll be saying that those dogs over at Oxford are the saviours of the world."

"Spat was unable."

With the complete global dynamic in change for the better, Oxford University is being hailed as the Saviour of the World and its entire faculty is being honoured with knighthoods for services to peace and prosperity.  When asked for a second quote Spat was unable for comment, although the Cambridgeshire Police claim to have seen a man of similar description lying under a thunder struck piano in Cambridge City Centre with the word 'Coincidence' written on his T-Shirt.

When asked for a quote to sum up today's events God had this to say, "If this doesn't get the idea across then I'm heading off to Fiji for an early retirement."

Either way this period of global unity is set to continue into the next millennium or to the point when Pow's are eaten into extinction but seeing as that is an uncertainty the world is enjoying its longest period of peace in like forever.

Local Radio Finally Deemed Useless

by Shaky Parkinson

The BBC have announced they plan to cut all funding to local radio after an internal report has dubbed it "Useless".  It is thought that abolishing local radio could be the saviour to the BBC's lavish spending.

"We're in a state," claimed Director General George Entwistle, "What with Doctor Who, excessive waste and my new bathroom to pay for we just cannot rely on the License Fee anymore.  We need more cash and it seems axing local radio is a sure fire way to unsure we can fund another series of Strictly Come Dancing."

The report delved deeply into the BBC's biggest expenditures and when crossed referenced with a second report into the corporation's most boring and expendable assets, local radio came out as the largest target.

"Everyone will agree."

"We've always known it's utterly pants," continued Entwistle, "Deep down I think everyone will agree.  Crop formations in Norwich, swimming pool closures in Lincoln, is this really what people want?  Is it bollocks, it is what cynical dullards want, normal morons want another series of The Voice and we're going to give it to them."

Backlash was swift and unobtrusive with numerous walkouts going unnoticed across the North East.  "We are a highly valued and loved broadcast," claimed Damphrey Spludge of weekly Doncaster gardening program Tickhill Tilling, "We have a ten strong fan base and the BBC should not be so quick to dismiss them."

"Think of the children?" cited Lemington mother Carly Clump, "How am I supposed to know if my daughter's school is closed during the winter? I doubt the coverage will be as comprehensive if the job goes national."

"Thumbs down Benny's Bottom."

Ben Bennington was quick to voice his outrage with a morning moan on his Swindon based radio show Benny's Breakfast Burp.  "The people need us, the people love us and you can be sure as ship that I'm not going back to hospital radio after this.  I'm making a real difference.  We cannot compete with mass genocide and global recession but the Wiltshire Downs can yield their fair share of air rescue stories.  These cuts get a thumbs down Benny's Bottom of ten."

Many organisations have protested the cuts such as Mickey Rourke (No not that Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler one) of former secret society D.E.A.T.H. (Dude's Expecting A Tenth Hell), "Entwistle has no idea about the potential disaster he is unleashing onto our streets.  With local radio gone these Deejays will be let loose on hospitals, street corners and low-rent social clubs and who knows what chaos they will unleash.  THE WAR IS COMING!!!"

Commercial radio stations such as Oxfordshire's Jack FM were quick to be praised for their superior content.  "Thank fuck someone has finally levelled some budget cuts their way," they commented, "It makes you sick to see over funded and over produced shows put together sub-standard output. It might make competition easier with them gone but it doesn't fill anyone with enthusiasm for the medium.  Here at Jack we give people apposite output that they will enjoy.  The general public don't want stories about sheep farming they want Phil Collins and Duran Duran."

"Local radio is a thing of the past," concluded Entwistle, "In this climate of streamlining and recession there is no place for rubbish except on our flagship channels."

London 2012 Logo Finally Deciphered

Local mini cab driver Abdul Shabesh will go down in history today as being the first man to decipher the London 2012 Olympic Logo.  When an unmarked envelope arrived at Wolff Olins brand consultancy in May 2007 the enclosed illustration was seen as a solution to deadline problems and creative blockage and has since caused global speculation as to its true origin.

While catching up on some 'me' time it seems Mr. Shabesh accidentally stumbled upon the answer to the enigma that has had the entire globe confused and angry.  "I was sat in the taxi rank outside Paddington waiting for the Saturday night dregs to puke themselves onto the street when I looked down at the sports section and saw it staring back at me," he claimed at a press conference earlier this afternoon, "Once I'd seen it the pieces clicked together to read '2012'.  I was shocked but if you look really really really really hard you'll just about be able to see it."

"Someone cracked."

Shabesh's discovery has instantly sent ripples through the academic world landing many intuitions in hot water, notably Keble College's Dr. Anthony Plank who has come under strong criticism after his fifty million pound study into the logo was made instantly redundant by Shabesh and his broken mini cab tail light.  "He got lucky," blagged Plank, "The foundations were well in place and it was only a matter of time before someone cracked the Olympic Code."

Conspiracy Theorists were unhappy.  John Crunge of information network S.P.O.C.K (Silent Persons Of Credible ilK) was quick to denounce Shabesh and his findings, "This is clearly a cover up by the IOC.  Are we seriously to believe that a West London mini cab driver is cleverer than the boffins at every university on the planet?  This whole 2012 excuse is flawed at best.  The logo resembles something far more abstract and confusing than a few numbers, and once the truth is revealed the world will quake beneath its own feet."

Shabesh's epiphany stop.

Shabesh's discovery hit the world in more ways than one when a public information leaflet explaining his discovery quickly became the nations best seller and histories most sort after pamphlet.  The literary world was also eager to tap Shabesh's celebrity status as Dan Brown emerged with a statement claiming that Shabesh will be helping him co-write the next Robert Langdon outing entitled 'Oi Limp 'Ere'.  "The book will be set in the historical East End of London," claimed Brown, "The plot will follow Langdon as he navigates the shallow depths of the Docklands Light Railway in search of a mystical cult called the Olympian's after one of its members kills a good friend of his only minutes before he is due to give a seminar in nearby King's College.  It's gonna be lucrative."

"Filthy image."

Despite wide spread shock and adulation there has been much discontent levelled at Shabesh and his logo.  "I've had to see this filthy image everyday for years and it's still a pile of shite," cited commoner Joe Bloggs, "Now that the truth is out I'm even angrier.  This Shabesh chappy should have kept his mouth shut.  We're already running 100% over budget at $28billion so I didn't really need to know that this £400,000 logo wasn't a secret code to hidden treasure gifted to us by aliens but a snatch and grab by a greasy consultancy firm.  At least you could ignore the magic, but this is hideous."

Whatever the response, ticket sales and anticipation for this months games are as misguided as ever with extended gasps of excitement being heard throughout the city in the run up to the opening ceremony on 27th July.

Spell Checking Proven To Instill Self Doubt

by Shaky Parkinson

New research has today suggested that the current social and economical global clusterfuck we are firmly wedged in has been brought about by an increasing reliance on computerized spell checking.  It is claimed that dangerously unhealthy levels of self-doubt arising from consistent spelling inaccuriacies are pushing the world into ruin.

Social networking, text messaging and Microsoft Office are being hailed as the biggest culprits with industry experts claiming that excessive usage of these particular types of communication needs to be accompanied by at least three hours of prior spelling preparation.

"Trends, claim research."

"The steady increase in fatigue, anger, resentment, anger, suicide and all round unhappiness clearly mimics technological trends," claimed research manager Paul Arse, "Our numbers visibly show that prolonged exposure to such things as blogging sites, Twitter and indeed any Microsoft product could leave the user with a resulting lack of confidence in themselves that could potentially lead to catastrophic emotional breakdown."

The recent suicide of Office Worker Danny Flip has only added pressure to today's finger pointing.  "It's a horrible world we live in," sobbed Danny's father Philip, "I just want my son back but it isn't going to happen.   Did you know that suicide rates in the office environment have been consistently rising since 1986. That's why I'm dedicating my life to making sure no one else has to suffer the way I have.  We've started by addressing the high risk users such as Forum Users, Chatroom Pervs and people with bad spelling and once that's sorted out we'll move into the schools."

"So when you start."

Flip only minutes before his death!

News Guff spoke with cake decorator Marion Splodge, who recently suffered a mental breakdown due to spell checking paranoia and has now been declared unfit for human interaction.  "It was all the names," she claimed, "You only get one shot at icing a specially ordered cake so when you start writing out a name like Philip or Beatrice your mind goes blank.  Eventually the stress got to me and I had no choice but to be institutionalised.  It's too late for people like me but I hope I can act as a positive case study in the fight for spelling enlightenment."

Celebrities such as George Galloway, Nadia Sawalha and Richard Blackwood have all stepped forward claiming that they too suffer with ICSUIUASCS (I Can't Spell Unless I Use A Spell Checker Syndrome).  "It was tough," claimed Richard Blackwood, "I found it hard to live with myself.  Everything had to be perfect or I couldn't sleep.  I'd get up in the night and reread emails just to make sure my grammar was up to scratch.  I was once hospitalised for a month after misusing a comma, think what might happen to my career if my presentation got any worse?"

"The risk of coming."

"It's hard for stupid people," stated professional spell checker Adam Keys, "We can't all be brilliant, but we can all source out our spell checking needs to respectable companies for some stress free living.  What with strong competition, services are costing next to nothing.  So when sending that all important email to your boss, why take the risk of coming off as a blithering idiot when you have the abilities of Lock and Keys at your fingertips?  When you're looking at that red squiggly line and you know you're right why not guarantee your sanity by taking that extra precaution.  Just remember, we're only here to back you up."

With the suicide rate hitting an all time high the current problems of excessive spell checking are set to dwarf the nation's drug problems before the year is out.

Closer Cheats On Heat with OK! Reports Guff

News Guff sources can exclusively reveal that a leisurely boat trip in Plymouth Harbour was the scene for a secret rendezvous between Closer and OK! Magazine.  It seems with Heat taking a far flung break around the Pacific the two were free to indulge in a bit of fraternizing under the covers.

Our sources were unclear as to the details but the two were seen making a mockery of their absent friend by getting extremely steamy in the hot tub.  With the pit sweat pics of Cheryl Cole proving to be a bigger hurdle in the Heat/Closer relationship than previously thought, who knows if this is the end for the popular pair?

"Start to Lay."

"I'm not surprised the two have bedded down together," claimed Cosmopolitan, "They've always been friendly and with Heat out of the picture the two can really start to lay the foundations of a real relationship."

"OK! is such a bitch," claimed an irate Marie Claire, "All she wants is a juicy story and doesn't care whose expected profit percentages she hurts.  I cannot bear to read another paragraph."

Outraged Marie Claire!

Onlookers were said to be appalled by the display, dubbing the scandal an 'Attention bid' and 'A popularity fizzle'.  "They were obviously aware of the cameras," claimed a photographer for Grazia, "I've done a lot of publicity in my time and after the first few waves you start to cotton onto the bigger picture.  In the end they only care what the readers think, because once they loose their standing it's all over."


"In a press."

In response Heat was seen boarding a plane home from the Tropics, although in a press statement her CEO claimed that it was, "A routine flight and Heat is returning home after a catching a cold."

Experts are saying that this event could spark a story so big it'll make Jen and Brad's divorce look like a lover's tiff and we all wait with baited breath and mixed reviews as to the outcome.

Extra! Extra! Old News Clichés Make Distracting Comeback

by Shaky Parkinson

SHOCK! TERROR!  As the streets of Manhattan reek with the villainous stench of wayward news conventions the Media has resorted to retro trends in a snappy bid to save face and restore the faith of the common reader.  With doom looming for such negative entities as excessive advertising, biased subject matter and the far too regular quirky pleading of its broadcaster, in steps nostalgia to once again make its mark on the local rag.

Down at City Hall the Major is seen mulling over musings with his advisors while wondering if his next leap will be the leap home, "We've fallen on hard times see.  We need to buck trend and follow fashion to get things rolling.  The news is getting out of hand, we want the facts without the guff (No indictment of this sterling publisher).  No two-bit rogue reporting is getting past me and the great people of this city.  Anymore."

"Words hit deep."

The Major's words hit deep with riots sparking up in newsrooms across the globe.  James Murdoch came out in favour of not, "Getting in trouble," while cutie Kate Silverton claimed that the profession is, "Not to blame," only the facts.

The letter of the law ran deep in a sea of criticism with Government's and Money Maker's defending themselves alike, "We follow the coin see, it's about the wealth, we can't have another crash on our hands and if the chicken is out of the pie it'll be chaos I tells you, chaos."

Picture.

With impending doom riding high in the polls a contemporary 1920's stereotype has been ushered in to still the fears of the questioning masses.  "We're unhappy and if we need to ruckus we will," they bellowed, "It's not right see, this goes all the way to the top.  We want the truth not the lies, it's all coming along and with this we hope to change it all.  Change the people, change the places and change the change to see justice done."

"We can't fly."

The anger being mailed across town got tense and in a bid to save face the Media went underground but the regime couldn't race the bad intentions floating down Main Street and the ensuing riots ended in chaos see.  "It's about the fact," they continued, "We don't want to see some Chinky's post disaster dying breath, it's a sickness that we can't fly and something needs to be done about it chump."

"That Silverton maybe a dish but it's the doll's we're worried about.  They're everywhere, it isn't straight see.  The fact of the truth of the matter is that the fact isn't up and out, it's down and low and that don't sit well with us or the unions, am I right boys?"

"Yeah!"

With chaos turning to gibberish the pressure is mounting for media gimmicks to become widespread in the hope it will alleviate the reader's stress to bring about a clean sense of wholesome acceptance for the wrong rights.  "It's a ditch attempt effort but as the seventh hits out it's a fine sexy play that won't disappoint," says the Governor, but who'll come out on top when the ball picks up the train and hits Broadway?

Maria Sharapova Prettiest Woman In Tennis Again

by Shaky Parkinson

It's been a rough few years for Maria Sharapova as the tennis world has seen prettier, younger and physically gifted stars rise the ranks since her dramatic appearance in the 2004 Wimbledon Championships but against all odds she has battled through to come out on top at this years French Open.

Critics and viewing enthusiasts are delight with her sudden turn around and have been quick to praise her triumphant return to the limelight.  "She pulled out all the stops," claimed BBC's Sue Barker, "It takes you back eight years and the endurance, patience and determination of this young woman has to be applauded."

"But when I saw her take that."

"To be honest my thoughts were running with Ana Ivanovic," cited tennis coach Samantha Strike, "But when I saw her take that final game Sharapova was all I could think about."

Anna Kournikova,
gone but not forgotten.

Boris Becker was another professional who was stunned by today's play, "The shock was so startling I had to tell my tailor to give me a few minutes.  Who'd have thought Sharapova would be the one making such a distinct impact at this years French Open?  I'm speechless."

Google has been reporting a gradual increase in Maria Sharapova related searches over the last two weeks but today saw a huge spike in intrigue.  "We didn't realise she was still around," claimed tennis fan Philbert Drenk of the Stockport Lawn and Tennis Association, "We all remember her being pretty cute but then she sort of went off the radar.  Today's win has really brought her back into the limelight.  Although let's face it she's no Anna Kournikova.  Phwoar!"

"Maria's way really spurred on my game."

Competitor Sara Errani.

Sharapova's opponent, Russia's Sara Errani, was upset by the result but was forced to admit that she just didn't have what it takes to win the crowd and the hearts of tennis fans everywhere.  "What can I say," she stated, "All the attention being sent Maria's way really spurred on my game but she just has a natural talent I can't compete with.  "

It is thought that recent surgery proved a massive confidence booster for Sharapova and has helped her return to a positive mindset to bring her back to the level of appreciation she hasn't had since 2008's Australian Open.