Spell Checking Proven To Instill Self Doubt

by Shaky Parkinson

New research has today suggested that the current social and economical global clusterfuck we are firmly wedged in has been brought about by an increasing reliance on computerized spell checking.  It is claimed that dangerously unhealthy levels of self-doubt arising from consistent spelling inaccuriacies are pushing the world into ruin.

Social networking, text messaging and Microsoft Office are being hailed as the biggest culprits with industry experts claiming that excessive usage of these particular types of communication needs to be accompanied by at least three hours of prior spelling preparation.

"Trends, claim research."

"The steady increase in fatigue, anger, resentment, anger, suicide and all round unhappiness clearly mimics technological trends," claimed research manager Paul Arse, "Our numbers visibly show that prolonged exposure to such things as blogging sites, Twitter and indeed any Microsoft product could leave the user with a resulting lack of confidence in themselves that could potentially lead to catastrophic emotional breakdown."

The recent suicide of Office Worker Danny Flip has only added pressure to today's finger pointing.  "It's a horrible world we live in," sobbed Danny's father Philip, "I just want my son back but it isn't going to happen.   Did you know that suicide rates in the office environment have been consistently rising since 1986. That's why I'm dedicating my life to making sure no one else has to suffer the way I have.  We've started by addressing the high risk users such as Forum Users, Chatroom Pervs and people with bad spelling and once that's sorted out we'll move into the schools."

"So when you start."

Flip only minutes before his death!

News Guff spoke with cake decorator Marion Splodge, who recently suffered a mental breakdown due to spell checking paranoia and has now been declared unfit for human interaction.  "It was all the names," she claimed, "You only get one shot at icing a specially ordered cake so when you start writing out a name like Philip or Beatrice your mind goes blank.  Eventually the stress got to me and I had no choice but to be institutionalised.  It's too late for people like me but I hope I can act as a positive case study in the fight for spelling enlightenment."

Celebrities such as George Galloway, Nadia Sawalha and Richard Blackwood have all stepped forward claiming that they too suffer with ICSUIUASCS (I Can't Spell Unless I Use A Spell Checker Syndrome).  "It was tough," claimed Richard Blackwood, "I found it hard to live with myself.  Everything had to be perfect or I couldn't sleep.  I'd get up in the night and reread emails just to make sure my grammar was up to scratch.  I was once hospitalised for a month after misusing a comma, think what might happen to my career if my presentation got any worse?"

"The risk of coming."

"It's hard for stupid people," stated professional spell checker Adam Keys, "We can't all be brilliant, but we can all source out our spell checking needs to respectable companies for some stress free living.  What with strong competition, services are costing next to nothing.  So when sending that all important email to your boss, why take the risk of coming off as a blithering idiot when you have the abilities of Lock and Keys at your fingertips?  When you're looking at that red squiggly line and you know you're right why not guarantee your sanity by taking that extra precaution.  Just remember, we're only here to back you up."

With the suicide rate hitting an all time high the current problems of excessive spell checking are set to dwarf the nation's drug problems before the year is out.