Massacres Necessary Claim Church

by Shaky Parkinson

A typical overcrowded
funeral performance.

The Church have today claimed that although they don't condone the use of violence they were forced to admit that a massacre every now and again is a blessing to their workload.  "We have to be realistic," claimed a representative of the Vatican, "No one is taking up the religious calling anymore.  The seminary's are seeing fewer and fewer applicants and we are frightfully short staffed."

He continued, "The Church has always over seen massacres and put a stop to any excessive killing.  We aren't butchers but if these events must occur we like to get a jump on proceedings and make sure things are done properly.  Frankly a mass burial for a thousand mutilated corpses is a huge time saver.  The average funeral in Florence can take anywhere up to three hours and we simply don't have the man power to deal with these demands."

"Work is hard."

Typical Biblical mass grave.

"There's nothing like a good massacre," claimed Armand Pitt of Grave Digger's association SHOVEL (Spiritual Holing Of Vaults for Extinguished Life), "Work is hard to come by and I'm losing men everyday to the well industry.  We need massacres to keep business flowing.  Even another foot and mouth outbreak would help.  In this economy you have to diversify but there is always room for the classics."

"Being brutally murdered during genocide is horrific," claimed one Cadaver, "So I'm glad that my death is not in vain.  People give the Church a hard time but they do a good job and I'm glad to be doing my bit.  It's not like funerals are hugely important once you're dead and it's nice to see people are becoming educated in these matters."

"We love 'em," cited Crematorium Manager Roger Burnside, "Fire's a good deal more effective than a bunch of worms and nothing screams efficiency like the smell of a thousand burning skeletons.  Death is a busy industry, especially with all this saturated fat about, so we need to maximize our time and efforts on getting rid of these corpse's as soon as they come onto the market."

"Wigan was the scene."

Modern streamlined
mass grave.

Despite widespread support for the practice there have been riots in backlash to today's news.  Church's Solicitors in Wigan was the scene of a firebombing early this afternoon when rioters hit the streets.  The attack left seventeen wounded individuals and three dead.  The resulting visit by a priest was greeted with more outrage when a second riot was instigated that lead to a further six hospital admissions.

"What they don't seem to realise," preached Parish Priest Father. Percy Ray, "Is that their actions are going to result in an extra firing squad shift in India and believe me they are already backed up the shitter.  This chaotic and unorganised violence solves nothing but through the love of Jesus they may at least learn the error of their ways so future priests will be spared the time of another unwanted hospital visit during the rugby."

Arguments have been put forward by numerous charitable organisations in a bid to change religion's stance on mass killing but due to a bad flu outbreak in Surrey and a bake sale in Wisconsin there was no one on hand to respond to the requests.

High Voiced Hijinks

by Shaky Parkinson

R.I.P. you sexy bastard!

Semi-popular comedian Joe Pasquale committed suicide late last night at his London home.  It is believed Pasquale was struggling with mounting depression after a recent voice change operation left him unable to cope with the voice of a normal person. Police are describing the incident as "Hilarious," and have stated their thoughts are with the dent in this years Christmas DVD releases.

"He looked normal."

Friends have said that, "He wasn't his jovial self, had sunk into depression," and "Was suffering from violent mood swings.  On the surface of things he looked normal and we have no idea what triggered his unhappiness."

"Pasquale had just landed a position with the London Opera Company to sing bass," claimed DCIP Superintendent Bottoms of Scotland Yard, "It's a sad loss, but shit happens, I'm sure Joe just wanted to give us all one final laugh.  In a recent interview Pasquale had claimed that, "Although I'm pleased with the new job and the diverse nature my career is taking it has left me an empty shell of a man."

Pasquale on a usual
bender.

We spoke to Timmy Wretch a dedicated Pasquale fan who recently underwent expensive and hugely painful vocal scrapings in a bid to sound more like his hero but his enthusiasm has quickly turned to anger and discontent at the announcement of his hero's death.

"He was planning on reversing."

"It made me feel sick, physically sick.  To do this to his fans was hurtful, selfish and uncool.  Joe's death has shown me that it is foolish to place your faith in people no matter how brilliant they are."  When asked if he was planning on reversing the operation Timmy claimed that due to a lack of funds he would not be pursuing additional surgery.

The nation is saddened by the loss and comedy trust CARE (Comedians Against Rubbish Extermination) has been set up to help care for Pasquale's thirty-three orphaned children.  He also leaves behind a strong comic legacy, numerous memories of happiness and one final joke being that his middle name is Ellis.

*News Guff would like to note that Joe Pasquale is not in fact dead and that the initial reports were just a well-staged joke on part of the comedian.  Although his middle name is actually Ellis.

Signal Dies On Television Remote Control Inventor

by Shaky Parkinson

The man himself.

The inventor of the first television remote control is claimed to have passed away on Sunday, say his former employers Zenith Electronics.  "We think he's dead, it came as a bit of a shock to hear it but we can safely say that he is gone.  We think." claimed Zenith CEO Michael Ahn, "This man was a true pioneer of the American way of life and without him we'd not be doing so financially well.  If anyone has any thoughts, condolences or indeed any light hearted puns be sure to send them to our admin team and we'll get on circulating them ASAP.  It's the least we can do."

Eugene Polly began work as an engineer way back in the War times but didn't cause much fuss until his 1955 invention the 'Flashmatic' used light and imagination to shot a wireless signal across the room to alter the state of the users television from on to off.

The awesome Zenith
Flashmatic. 

"Sweet gun."

Despite the invention being temperamental and prone to failure its sweet gun like design proved popular with the American mass market and Polly was always keen to receive his admiration whenever possible.

We spoke to Polly's former colleague and developer of the 1956 'Zenith Space Commander 600', Robert Adler.  "Polly was a joke, that bloody 'Flashmatic' was a piece of pants and he knew it.  The damn thing didn't work.  It only took a bit of sunlight on the receiver and the television would switch off or even on.  I was developing the 'Space Commander' way back when the 'Lazy Bones' was being conceived.  This title he's been given is far from accurate.  The 'Lazy Bones' was the original remote, it just wasn't wireless and got sidelined after the unsightly cable caused a few clumsy deaths.  Then again that's the consumer for you, memory like a sieve and an imagination like a photocopier.  I was the true inventor of the wireless television remote control!"

The equally sexy Zenith
Space Commander 600.

Regardless of past paragraphs Eugene Polly spent his 96 years on earth changing everyone's life and without his efforts people would still be getting up to change the channel to this day.  What a chap.

90% Of Other Eye Drops Miss

by Shaky Parkinson (in association with Pink Eye, the number one cuddly treatment for blotched eyes)

Dr. Robert Hall and Professor Arthur Oates have today published the results of their fifteen-year study into the rate of eye-drop wastage in the United Kingdom.  The paper, dubbed 'Private Eyes' is being held as startling and revolutionary by the pharmaceutical industry and could change the way we use eye-drops in the future.

"Over fifteen thousand tonnes of eye-drops were used in the experiment and our results are so close," beamed Hall.  "It's great being able to do what you want, be who you are and make a difference," chimed Oates.

"Pink Eye is radical!"

"If there were any other leading brands I could say so, but because Pink Eye is radical and efficient, a promise ain't enough and you have our word that when running from paradise you'll have one on one vision that won't disappoint," claimed Pink Executive Sara Smile.

Despite large amounts of praise some groups are unhappy with the research.  Optician Ralph Lense was quick to voice his opinion, "Ignore that Sara Smile she's just a maneater, all she's interested in is possession, obsession and downtown life.  Quite frankly this research is nothing new.  Just because you put something to paper doesn't mean the idea and knowledge wasn't everywhere I look.  I feel this is a missed opportunity in adult education where instead of blaming people for inadvertently squandering their medicine we can let love take control and help people to eliminate eye disease."

Man demonstrates how not to
use eye drops.

The report claims that up to, around and even exceeding 18billion drops are missed each year, which accounts for up to, around and even exceeding 90% of all drops dropped in a given year and that shows people are very much out of touch with their droppings.

"Secretary Andrew."

"We've been talking all night and have decided to instigate a nationwide program that will inform and educate the general public on the application of eye drops to bring us back together again to a place where such vast amounts of costly medicine aren't being wasted," cited Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.

Even still the problems facing the eye-drop user continue to wreak havoc on the nation.  "Their has to be a more efficient way of relieving eye pain," stated florist Peter Potter, "Romeo is bleeding out the back and I've had to throw the roses away.  This problem effects us all as a nation, the statistics might be true but they aren't providing a solution and I can't go for that, no can do.  I'm not a rich girl who can nip off to a clinic for some laser treatment, something needs to be done.  That's why I've started using Pink Eye, it's the first kiss on my list when I think of eye strain, now I can drive my getaway car, I mean florist van without any jingle bell rock."

Other comments from eye-drop users shed a different opinion on their usage, such as one statement from an Anonymous Jerk.  "I'm just a family man who likes Italian girls.  It's uncanny, I'm a man on a mission and that mission was my droppings.  I was unsure at first but I did it in a minute with the portable radio playing in the background.  It's easy, just hold onto yourself and squeeze, it's a laugh, but then again who said the world was fair?

Use Pink Eye to avoid
demon spawn.

"Things are a bugger."

"I don't care what people say," claimed an Irate Citizen, "The reason for this vast wastage is that these things are a bugger to operate.  You either get a soggy eyelash or miniature drowning.  I say deal with it and if that doesn't work use the method of modern love and get an eye patch."

Despite today's research it is thought that any change in current eye-drop design will take years to implement and although some things are better left unsaid the possibility of gels, creams and even transplants are all potential possibilities that have been put forward by the medical community in its fight against eye-drop wastage.

So if you've lost that lovin' feeling and everything your heart desires.  If you feel out of touch (remix) and the sky is falling, say it isn't so because I'll be around to help.  Pink Eye, forever for you.

Shadow Education Secretary Promotes Eastern Teaching Techniques

by Shaky Parkinson

Shadow Education Secretary Stephen Twigg has today stated that the British Education system is not only dated but needs a change in approach if it is going to improve performance.

In a press conference at Shadow Downing Street Twigg likened the current state of schools as Victorian and was keen to highlight that nothing has changed since such times.  "The Labour Party is dedicated (Cough!) to education.  It is our number one (Cough!) priority and we see it as an area that needs rapid investment."

"Staff the country."

He went onto to praise Eastern education specifically the lesson planning system known to all teachers as jugyou kenkyuu (You can fuck right off), a system of planning that utilises the highly paid and numerous underworked teaching staff the country has its disposal by giving them less time with their students and more time in meetings with other like minded colleagues.

"It's a good system," beamed Twigg, "I cannot see any problems with this.  I've heard criticism that it may cost money, but that is tosh, there's money everywhere so it shouldn't be hard to organise.  But it's not just these lesson plans I'm keen on.  I've watched a series of promotional videos produced by renowned director Kinji Fukasaku and it is clear that on the international playing field British students are not as disciplined as those in Korea or Japan.  We've got a lot of work to do."

"The Victorians had it bad."

Not Nick Griffin MP Stephen Twigg

Teachers have been instant of their criticism of Twigg's propositions.  History teacher Kingston Waffle was keen to explain, "There is nothing wrong with our teaching system, the problem lies with the students and the barriers we face in dealing with them, namely the hitting one and the not being able to fail them one.  And who's to say the Victorians had it bad?  You would think a system that mirrored the greatest period in the British Empire would be good enough for today's dullards.  I teach in a three hundred year old school so does that mean my students will all graduate as P.E. Teachers?"

"He's wrong," voxed Headmaster Reginald Peterson, "Just plain old wrong.  I can't make it any simpler."

When asked why there was no improvement in the education system during Labour's last three terms and why the Party was so strongly offended by a system that seems to have been working for over a century it appeared Twigg had stepped out for a class of water.

New Weather Controlling App Prone To Glitches

by Shaky Parkinson

Last week saw the release of the Apple Store's long awaited Weather App.  Users of the app are given complete control of their surrounding environment through a user friendly interface.  Despite huge success the new app has come fully equipped with numerous glitches that have left authorities and meteorologists inundated with reports of bizarre weather patterns and shocking incidents.

The problems were first noted minutes after the app went live with several freak hurricanes instantly hitting Hull town centre while further north the Outer Hebrides experienced soaring temperatures that were completely uncharacteristic of the spring months.

"I'd forgotten what it felt like."

"It's a bloody marvel," claimed tweed worker Angus McMac, "What with the rising ferry costs I've been stuck on this fucking island for almost a decade and I've had to endure storms the likes of which most people can only imagine, but this new app has changed all that.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to be warm."

Other users haven't been so lucky with Skye receiving mixed blessings when their Internet connection was lost after their plans for an early summer burnt through the islands telephone cables.  "It could be months before it's fixed," claimed a BT Engineer, "There's over fifty meters of cabling that needs checking as well as parts and some other stuff.  They'll just have to live without the weather for a few months."

Touch screen interface lets you
swirl up your own typhoons.

"It's outrageous," claimed Dunvegan resident Duff McAngus, "We can't go without this new app.  It's been with us too long to switch back to past times, we cannot cope.  It isn't natural."

"Overground trains have become common place."

Problems have been reported from around the globe.  The epicentres of which are dense urban areas such as Hong Kong, Tokyo and London.  Reports of mass drownings on Japanese overground trains have become common place and on street glitching has lead to several deaths in the British Capital alone.

"It was horrific," claimed bystander Joe Bloggs, "You could see it happening but it was too late to change it.  These two business woman were strolling down Tottenham Court Road with their faces buried in their iPhones surrounded by a refreshing breeze, when they collided causing a miniature hurricane that took out three historic buildings, eighteen pedestrians and the new underground development.  There were body parts everywhere and the whole place was in chaos.  It makes you think doesn't it?"

The Northwest Territories were witness to freak bouts of weather upsets that saw rain, sleet, fog, sunshine, frogs, snow and tropical thunderstorms afflicting many towns in a matter of minutes.

Chaos in Manhatten after people
rally against a hose pipe ban.

"Nature just can't handle this sort of usage," cited Meteorologist David Wind, "If people can't use their powers for the greater good then we are as good as fucked.  We advise anyone who has absolutely no trust in smart-phones or their users to flee into the hills as quickly as possible."

"Patio furniture might be selling."

Industry has been the hardest hit with farmer's claiming massive crop yields and simultaneous harvest failures over many fields while the travel and holiday industry have been virtually wiped out overnight.  "No one is travelling abroad right now because they are bringing the weather to their gardens.  Patio furniture might be selling through the roof but we have been forced to rely on fascinated Japanese tourists just to get us through the week.  It's a hard time."

Downtown Coventry.

The problems afflicting the nation have also been seen on the digital arena with a hacker alert already in place when the online games' software was hit by a spam virus that caused penis enlargement letters to rain in volumes across the world, thus heavily stretching local recycling pick-ups that were forced to recruit from travel agencies to clear the debris.

The app's developers FLEECE inc. were unavailable for comment as they were snowed in to their Dubai offices but petitions have been flooding into Downing Street to ban the application for mass personal usage to be replaced with a time share system that would see only minimal weather fluctuations and curb any further unnatural abuse.

New Sims Expansion Pack Let's You Control Yourself

by Shaky Parkinson

EA's most anticipated Sims expansion pack hit gaming retailers today.  Sims You lets the player control and interact with themselves while offering improved graphics and game play.  The game has already sold ten million copies worldwide and is set to break all gaming records to date.

"I can't believe it," says Swindon gaming outlet, GamePlay, "I've gone through four thousand copies already.  This bad boy is selling in droves, people are clearly unhappy with their lives and are turning to gaming to fill the void."

"Sexual health has many gamers absorbed."

The game that allows players to experience crowded commuter transport, overpriced lettuce and failing sexual health has many gamers absorbed with some management companies infiltrating the games in a desperate bid to dish out work to their employees.

"We haven't seen a sickie binge like this since World of Warcraft hit the shelves," claimed John Boss, CEO of business management consultants ERGHHHHH, "I'm down to three people in the office and frankly the quality of the tea is being drastically effected."

Despite criticism gamers are flocking to their local video game retailer causing queues of up to four and a half miles in length.  Long time lay about Danny Faff was ecstatic about the games' release, "It's the best Sims game yet.  It's just so interactive.  A little food icon appears and bam, I'm down stairs eating a sandwich.  It's unreal."

Improved graphics add to realistic
gaming experience.

"It's a tricky game," commented another Gamer, "So far I've logged 215 gaming hours and I'm still stuck in the dole queue.  It's difficult but I've played more challenging games.  This is hardly Turok 2.  I think I'm going to make myself a rock star or maybe a porn director."

"Shame the toilet."

"It's bitchin'," said another Fan, "The graphics are insanely realistic and the perving in this version is so much more fun.  It's a shame the toilet breaks take more time but I'm loving it.  I don't usually buy games when they first come out but this was totally worth the two hundred pounds I paid for it.  I even got the special edition where your character gets a free hat.  Pretty cool huh?"

The game that has been in development for upwards of three months is set to be the jewel in the EA crown and has already elevated their status as the worlds biggest gaming company to even loftier heights.  

"We just wanted to create a thoroughly realistic game," claimed an EA Executive, "And what is more realistic than playing yourself?  Even I've started playing the game.  Usually I don't dabble with computer games because of my grueling work schedule but after playing Sims You I'd happily change my mind.  I've gotten a monster truck, ten wives and I'm head of the world's biggest games distributor, for a novice I'm doing very well, things are just on the up for me at the moment."

Such enthusiasm has created a wave of excitement that is putting extreme pressure on production.  "We just can't get this game out quick enough to fulfill demand," continued the EA Executive, "We've had to hold off deliveries to Scotland until next month and they are our biggest demographic.  We've already opened up a further seventeen processing plants with many of our gamers getting first dibs at employment but even that isn't enough.  People want to live their lives and we just can't make that happen for everyone."

"Outlook is bleak."

Typical property available in
the game.

The lack of stock has caused many gamers to descend into drug abuse and shy away from all forms of social interaction.  Laura Chuff of Bangor was one of the few teenagers in her town unable to get a copy of the game.  "I feel shunned," she sobbed, "I've been having a terrible time of it and have resorted to drinking myself through each day.  I've been asking a friend of mine to use her game to check if our local GAME has any more copies in stock but the outlook is bleak.  I just want to be myself."

Coupled with these problems are the decreasing social values that are being demonstrated by gamers online.  We've already seen wars, theft and bad language being used far too often," claimed Gaming Activist Patricia Fluff, "The death rate is enormous with our figures showing a lost life every three seconds.  Even though new gamers are balancing out the statistics we are still seeing a massive loss of life."

Regardless of the dangers and controversy EA is set to release a sequel to the special edition expansion pack tomorrow.  As of yet the content is being kept a closely guarded secret leaving industry experts to speculate as to where the gaming world is going to be taken next.