Massacres Necessary Claim Church

by Shaky Parkinson

A typical overcrowded
funeral performance.

The Church have today claimed that although they don't condone the use of violence they were forced to admit that a massacre every now and again is a blessing to their workload.  "We have to be realistic," claimed a representative of the Vatican, "No one is taking up the religious calling anymore.  The seminary's are seeing fewer and fewer applicants and we are frightfully short staffed."

He continued, "The Church has always over seen massacres and put a stop to any excessive killing.  We aren't butchers but if these events must occur we like to get a jump on proceedings and make sure things are done properly.  Frankly a mass burial for a thousand mutilated corpses is a huge time saver.  The average funeral in Florence can take anywhere up to three hours and we simply don't have the man power to deal with these demands."

"Work is hard."

Typical Biblical mass grave.

"There's nothing like a good massacre," claimed Armand Pitt of Grave Digger's association SHOVEL (Spiritual Holing Of Vaults for Extinguished Life), "Work is hard to come by and I'm losing men everyday to the well industry.  We need massacres to keep business flowing.  Even another foot and mouth outbreak would help.  In this economy you have to diversify but there is always room for the classics."

"Being brutally murdered during genocide is horrific," claimed one Cadaver, "So I'm glad that my death is not in vain.  People give the Church a hard time but they do a good job and I'm glad to be doing my bit.  It's not like funerals are hugely important once you're dead and it's nice to see people are becoming educated in these matters."

"We love 'em," cited Crematorium Manager Roger Burnside, "Fire's a good deal more effective than a bunch of worms and nothing screams efficiency like the smell of a thousand burning skeletons.  Death is a busy industry, especially with all this saturated fat about, so we need to maximize our time and efforts on getting rid of these corpse's as soon as they come onto the market."

"Wigan was the scene."

Modern streamlined
mass grave.

Despite widespread support for the practice there have been riots in backlash to today's news.  Church's Solicitors in Wigan was the scene of a firebombing early this afternoon when rioters hit the streets.  The attack left seventeen wounded individuals and three dead.  The resulting visit by a priest was greeted with more outrage when a second riot was instigated that lead to a further six hospital admissions.

"What they don't seem to realise," preached Parish Priest Father. Percy Ray, "Is that their actions are going to result in an extra firing squad shift in India and believe me they are already backed up the shitter.  This chaotic and unorganised violence solves nothing but through the love of Jesus they may at least learn the error of their ways so future priests will be spared the time of another unwanted hospital visit during the rugby."

Arguments have been put forward by numerous charitable organisations in a bid to change religion's stance on mass killing but due to a bad flu outbreak in Surrey and a bake sale in Wisconsin there was no one on hand to respond to the requests.