'Gategate': Scandal Exclusive

by Shaky Parkinson

Semi-reliable sources inside Downing Street have leaked formally exclusive information about the property damage suffered by Conservative MP for Kinky Heath, Sebastian Flick during the attack on his home late last Thursday.  What Police were originally calling a 'Gate' Crime perpetrated by a band of drunkards is rapidly being attributed to an ongoing Parliamentary war between two opposing factions within the two main political parties.

At 11.15pm on Thursday, security cameras outside Mr. Flick's Surrey home captured a lone figure as he used human excrement, spray paint and a vast array of low budget cinnamon sticks to smear graffiti and discriminatory slogans on Flick's front gate including phrases such as 'Blue Cross Sale: 15% Reduction In All Tory Support' and the not so witty 'Flick's A Fucking Fake Fuck'.

"Behind one in many."

Talk from inside and outside the Government is that the figure bares a striking resemblance to and actually is Labour MP for Lemon-upon-Lime, Funk Underwood who has shared a long standing feud with Mr. Flick which is said to be the motivation behind one in many violent attacks perpetrated by both individuals.

Underwood caught on CCTV.

The dispute is said to have initiated during a widely publicised Parliamentary five-a-side football tournament that took place in the summer of 1991 in which Underwood claimed Flick tripped him on an unopposed goal attempt that cost his constituency a place in the final.  Flick in turn declared his foot never impacted on Underwood's boot and that the verbal slander was a way of overshadowing the fact that he'd in fact fallen over a piece of dirt.

"I."

"The man is a wretch," spoke Flick earlier this afternoon, "He's once again out to bring down not only myself but also himself and the Conservative Party as a whole although I bet he's the one feeling blue after today's formal identification.  Dirty politics such as this reflect a frankly childlike approach to government both personally and professionally so, na nana naaana."

Indeed Flick's rebuke seems well placed as Underwood was this morning arrested on suspicion of vandalism, more vandalism, blasphemy, catnapping and pottymouth with the press dubbing the scandal 'Gategate' after the similarly recent 'Plebgate' affair.

"We're taking this matter in the most anally way possible," noted Chief Intendant Jacob Wiltshire of Scotland yard, "We're having to delve into a two decade old feud that although harmless at first quickly descended into attempted murder, arson, rape and various acts of buggery.  We are only just starting to collect the relevant evidence needed to unravel these deeds but we have no doubt that this conflict branches into the highest levels of Parliament."

"We have no choice but to hand."

Former PM John Major on the
set of his popular game show
'Got Your Number. 10'.

"It was a tricky situation," spoke former Prime Minister John Major, "There was no clear evidence to prove that Underwood had fallen over the dirt and so in the spirit of Democracy it was agreed by all the members to let them battle it out over a jolly game of pranks.  The ensuing physical assaults, joke phone calls, shootings and mild acts of terrorism were all well and good but the use of feces was a step too far and we had to put a stop to it.  It's a shame Underwood was hard pressed for some creative inspiration and chose to attack his rival by airing his own dirty laundry but the man is a red blooded male and can't be blamed for thinking outside the skull.  Now that the matter has become public we have no choice but to hand control over to the Metropolitan Police for a full investigation."

Underwood was unavailable for comment although when interviewed his doorbell piped up to sing a positive tune of his employer.

Massacres Necessary Claim Church

by Shaky Parkinson

A typical overcrowded
funeral performance.

The Church have today claimed that although they don't condone the use of violence they were forced to admit that a massacre every now and again is a blessing to their workload.  "We have to be realistic," claimed a representative of the Vatican, "No one is taking up the religious calling anymore.  The seminary's are seeing fewer and fewer applicants and we are frightfully short staffed."

He continued, "The Church has always over seen massacres and put a stop to any excessive killing.  We aren't butchers but if these events must occur we like to get a jump on proceedings and make sure things are done properly.  Frankly a mass burial for a thousand mutilated corpses is a huge time saver.  The average funeral in Florence can take anywhere up to three hours and we simply don't have the man power to deal with these demands."

"Work is hard."

Typical Biblical mass grave.

"There's nothing like a good massacre," claimed Armand Pitt of Grave Digger's association SHOVEL (Spiritual Holing Of Vaults for Extinguished Life), "Work is hard to come by and I'm losing men everyday to the well industry.  We need massacres to keep business flowing.  Even another foot and mouth outbreak would help.  In this economy you have to diversify but there is always room for the classics."

"Being brutally murdered during genocide is horrific," claimed one Cadaver, "So I'm glad that my death is not in vain.  People give the Church a hard time but they do a good job and I'm glad to be doing my bit.  It's not like funerals are hugely important once you're dead and it's nice to see people are becoming educated in these matters."

"We love 'em," cited Crematorium Manager Roger Burnside, "Fire's a good deal more effective than a bunch of worms and nothing screams efficiency like the smell of a thousand burning skeletons.  Death is a busy industry, especially with all this saturated fat about, so we need to maximize our time and efforts on getting rid of these corpse's as soon as they come onto the market."

"Wigan was the scene."

Modern streamlined
mass grave.

Despite widespread support for the practice there have been riots in backlash to today's news.  Church's Solicitors in Wigan was the scene of a firebombing early this afternoon when rioters hit the streets.  The attack left seventeen wounded individuals and three dead.  The resulting visit by a priest was greeted with more outrage when a second riot was instigated that lead to a further six hospital admissions.

"What they don't seem to realise," preached Parish Priest Father. Percy Ray, "Is that their actions are going to result in an extra firing squad shift in India and believe me they are already backed up the shitter.  This chaotic and unorganised violence solves nothing but through the love of Jesus they may at least learn the error of their ways so future priests will be spared the time of another unwanted hospital visit during the rugby."

Arguments have been put forward by numerous charitable organisations in a bid to change religion's stance on mass killing but due to a bad flu outbreak in Surrey and a bake sale in Wisconsin there was no one on hand to respond to the requests.