'Gategate': Scandal Exclusive

by Shaky Parkinson

Semi-reliable sources inside Downing Street have leaked formally exclusive information about the property damage suffered by Conservative MP for Kinky Heath, Sebastian Flick during the attack on his home late last Thursday.  What Police were originally calling a 'Gate' Crime perpetrated by a band of drunkards is rapidly being attributed to an ongoing Parliamentary war between two opposing factions within the two main political parties.

At 11.15pm on Thursday, security cameras outside Mr. Flick's Surrey home captured a lone figure as he used human excrement, spray paint and a vast array of low budget cinnamon sticks to smear graffiti and discriminatory slogans on Flick's front gate including phrases such as 'Blue Cross Sale: 15% Reduction In All Tory Support' and the not so witty 'Flick's A Fucking Fake Fuck'.

"Behind one in many."

Talk from inside and outside the Government is that the figure bares a striking resemblance to and actually is Labour MP for Lemon-upon-Lime, Funk Underwood who has shared a long standing feud with Mr. Flick which is said to be the motivation behind one in many violent attacks perpetrated by both individuals.

Underwood caught on CCTV.

The dispute is said to have initiated during a widely publicised Parliamentary five-a-side football tournament that took place in the summer of 1991 in which Underwood claimed Flick tripped him on an unopposed goal attempt that cost his constituency a place in the final.  Flick in turn declared his foot never impacted on Underwood's boot and that the verbal slander was a way of overshadowing the fact that he'd in fact fallen over a piece of dirt.

"I."

"The man is a wretch," spoke Flick earlier this afternoon, "He's once again out to bring down not only myself but also himself and the Conservative Party as a whole although I bet he's the one feeling blue after today's formal identification.  Dirty politics such as this reflect a frankly childlike approach to government both personally and professionally so, na nana naaana."

Indeed Flick's rebuke seems well placed as Underwood was this morning arrested on suspicion of vandalism, more vandalism, blasphemy, catnapping and pottymouth with the press dubbing the scandal 'Gategate' after the similarly recent 'Plebgate' affair.

"We're taking this matter in the most anally way possible," noted Chief Intendant Jacob Wiltshire of Scotland yard, "We're having to delve into a two decade old feud that although harmless at first quickly descended into attempted murder, arson, rape and various acts of buggery.  We are only just starting to collect the relevant evidence needed to unravel these deeds but we have no doubt that this conflict branches into the highest levels of Parliament."

"We have no choice but to hand."

Former PM John Major on the
set of his popular game show
'Got Your Number. 10'.

"It was a tricky situation," spoke former Prime Minister John Major, "There was no clear evidence to prove that Underwood had fallen over the dirt and so in the spirit of Democracy it was agreed by all the members to let them battle it out over a jolly game of pranks.  The ensuing physical assaults, joke phone calls, shootings and mild acts of terrorism were all well and good but the use of feces was a step too far and we had to put a stop to it.  It's a shame Underwood was hard pressed for some creative inspiration and chose to attack his rival by airing his own dirty laundry but the man is a red blooded male and can't be blamed for thinking outside the skull.  Now that the matter has become public we have no choice but to hand control over to the Metropolitan Police for a full investigation."

Underwood was unavailable for comment although when interviewed his doorbell piped up to sing a positive tune of his employer.

Science Runs Out

by Shaky Parkinson

As of 6pm today Science has officially announced that it has run out.  Medicine, Physics, Astronomy and other like-minded fields have ceased operating and started celebrating as the entire Scientific Community lays out plans for its forthcoming closure.

"We're feeling pretty good," claimed Dr. Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We put in the extra hours, gave up the golf and the results speak for themselves.  No more theories, unexplained guess work or smaller pieces of atoms to discover, we've done it all and it feels fucking ace."

"God, he responded."

"Did you know I can tell you the exact physical make-up of any cross bred kitten and how it will react to the effects of air born nicotine, heroin and beatings," beamed C.E.R.N. employee Martin Flap, "I could even calculate your potential life span based on your average doughnut intake consumption (or DIC) and from that even predict your future.  We've run out of stuff to know.  Isn't it amazing?"  When asked if the conclusions reached shed any light on the existence of God, he responded, "That would be an ecumenical matter," and fled.

"We can't take much credit," cited genetic engineer Gordon Tracy, "With the advances in technology it sort of did it all for us.  All we had to do was flick the odd switch here and there between games of solitaire and everything worked itself out. To be honest most of the stuff got done on iPads.  Fragility aside those little machines are something significant.  Shame we've peaked I think people were expecting something more.  Perhaps a colour change is on the cards but that is just residual application at this point."

Stereotypical Scientist,
soon to be a thing of the past.

Although there was much rejoicing amongst the Scientific Community the gayety soon wore off for certain individuals such as Mark Prodder, "I've been working in the field of hypothetical reactionary disease cures for over twenty five years and all of a sudden I'm out of a job and back on the dole.  I've lost the company car, my ludicrously absurd funding as well as my plush office and now I can't send the kids to college and to boot I'm stuck at home with the wife every day.  I mean it's not my children's fault their Daddy's a genius so why should they be punished?  What am I supposed to do now that my life's work is done and dusted?  Star gazing?  Why bother, it's all been documented so where's the excitement?  I thought about taking up running but I'd get the same results through a well controlled diet.  If we hadn't cured depression last week I could at least occupy myself by gradually harbouring a sombre self-destructive mindset but frankly I have lost all my worldly direction."

"I've been lumbered."

This sentiment was mimicked by Chemistry teacher Stan Slap, "After the press conference was held I immediately got an email from the Headmaster saying that the Science Department had ceased to exist and we were all been drafted into help out with the P.E. because of the increasing popularity in Sports Science classes.  I tried to tell him that we'd put an end to that and the increase was due to the new hottie Ms. George, but he wouldn't hear it so I've been lumbered with the netball because I was late calling dibs on the footie.  School sucks now."

The last test tube wonder is born.

With forced retirement looming for ex-scientists, disgruntled workers across the globe have already set up the not so secret organisation STUPID (Scientists To Unhappily Produce Idiotic Designs), whose primary goal is to seek out fictitious claims of new phenomenon and scientific curiosities that warrant expert scientific investigation.  Luckily authorities tagged the group's Facebook page as potentially frustrating and have already shut it down.

No one was more annoyed at the loss of Science than local biologist and wildlife expert Atkin Stump, "This thing isn't as clear cut as my colleagues would have you believe.  My research into badger's mating habits in disused industrial silos was far from over but all of a sudden my work is being rebranded and my contributions are being swept under the rug.  Make no mistake this is a cover up and once I find a magnifying glass I plan to investigate things further and find out what the hell is going on."

"Plans to turn the now."

Indeed the lack of available scientific equipment is partly due to Government recycling plans to turn the now useless equipment into recycling bins, security cameras and bullets.  While in the wake of the announcement microscope burning parties have become a global trend and demonstrate an intense belief in the community's discoveries and finality to all of Science.

Trendy microscope burning party.

Although the declaration was believed to be final, Science cannot be deemed legally 'Sorted' until all research data has been submitted for checking and re-checking by an independent adjudicator.

The person drafted in to oversee these calculations is retired accountant and veteran checker Mr. Kenneth Dullard whose initial results are said to be startling, "From what I can gather there are many inconsistencies sprouting up around a weather forecast in Dundee.  If my calculations are correct it would seem that some data has been fudged which could have a knock on effect of drastic proportions.  If I show you this decimal point here, it should be situated below the isobar and the fact it isn't could mean that Science is far from completed and I'm a God fearing man so I've triple checked my work to make sure that everything is in order."

If the work does prove to be incorrect it would see the Government having to scrap its reassignment programs that would see ex-scientists being drafted into the military in a bid to, "Bring home the decent ones."  Although Downing Street has failed to elaborate on these initial comments the findings of Mr. Dullard have create a great sense of unease in the former Scientific Community as millions of boffins wait with baited breath to see if they have made a colossal mistake.

New Weather Controlling App Prone To Glitches

by Shaky Parkinson

Last week saw the release of the Apple Store's long awaited Weather App.  Users of the app are given complete control of their surrounding environment through a user friendly interface.  Despite huge success the new app has come fully equipped with numerous glitches that have left authorities and meteorologists inundated with reports of bizarre weather patterns and shocking incidents.

The problems were first noted minutes after the app went live with several freak hurricanes instantly hitting Hull town centre while further north the Outer Hebrides experienced soaring temperatures that were completely uncharacteristic of the spring months.

"I'd forgotten what it felt like."

"It's a bloody marvel," claimed tweed worker Angus McMac, "What with the rising ferry costs I've been stuck on this fucking island for almost a decade and I've had to endure storms the likes of which most people can only imagine, but this new app has changed all that.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to be warm."

Other users haven't been so lucky with Skye receiving mixed blessings when their Internet connection was lost after their plans for an early summer burnt through the islands telephone cables.  "It could be months before it's fixed," claimed a BT Engineer, "There's over fifty meters of cabling that needs checking as well as parts and some other stuff.  They'll just have to live without the weather for a few months."

Touch screen interface lets you
swirl up your own typhoons.

"It's outrageous," claimed Dunvegan resident Duff McAngus, "We can't go without this new app.  It's been with us too long to switch back to past times, we cannot cope.  It isn't natural."

"Overground trains have become common place."

Problems have been reported from around the globe.  The epicentres of which are dense urban areas such as Hong Kong, Tokyo and London.  Reports of mass drownings on Japanese overground trains have become common place and on street glitching has lead to several deaths in the British Capital alone.

"It was horrific," claimed bystander Joe Bloggs, "You could see it happening but it was too late to change it.  These two business woman were strolling down Tottenham Court Road with their faces buried in their iPhones surrounded by a refreshing breeze, when they collided causing a miniature hurricane that took out three historic buildings, eighteen pedestrians and the new underground development.  There were body parts everywhere and the whole place was in chaos.  It makes you think doesn't it?"

The Northwest Territories were witness to freak bouts of weather upsets that saw rain, sleet, fog, sunshine, frogs, snow and tropical thunderstorms afflicting many towns in a matter of minutes.

Chaos in Manhatten after people
rally against a hose pipe ban.

"Nature just can't handle this sort of usage," cited Meteorologist David Wind, "If people can't use their powers for the greater good then we are as good as fucked.  We advise anyone who has absolutely no trust in smart-phones or their users to flee into the hills as quickly as possible."

"Patio furniture might be selling."

Industry has been the hardest hit with farmer's claiming massive crop yields and simultaneous harvest failures over many fields while the travel and holiday industry have been virtually wiped out overnight.  "No one is travelling abroad right now because they are bringing the weather to their gardens.  Patio furniture might be selling through the roof but we have been forced to rely on fascinated Japanese tourists just to get us through the week.  It's a hard time."

Downtown Coventry.

The problems afflicting the nation have also been seen on the digital arena with a hacker alert already in place when the online games' software was hit by a spam virus that caused penis enlargement letters to rain in volumes across the world, thus heavily stretching local recycling pick-ups that were forced to recruit from travel agencies to clear the debris.

The app's developers FLEECE inc. were unavailable for comment as they were snowed in to their Dubai offices but petitions have been flooding into Downing Street to ban the application for mass personal usage to be replaced with a time share system that would see only minimal weather fluctuations and curb any further unnatural abuse.

Man Makes Sugar Cube Number 10

by Shaky Parkinson

Northern Ireland artist Brendan Jamison has conned his way into the halls of power by sculpting a near enough replica of Downing Street's famous black door.  The sculpture is set to be part of a cavalcade of pieces that are set to confuse foreign dignitaries and visiting VIP's.

"We needed something to go next to the door," claimed Head of Staff George Butler, "And what better thing than another door.  We sent the word out and this dude turns up with a giant sugar cube thing and we were like, yes!"

"Ping."

"It made perfect sense to me," claimed Jamison, "I like my coffee bitter and so I had all this sugar left over and then it hit me.  Ping.  Sugar sculptures.  It was then I knew what my purpose in life was.  Sugar.  Not only is it reasonably cheap to work with but no one can make up their minds if it's lame or not so until that gets sorted out I'm on easy street."

Visiting President Felipe Calderon of Mexico commented, "It's sugar?"  While Botswana's President Ian Khama said, "I don't get it."

"This is very disturbing news."

News Guff took the idea to the streets to get the lowdown on the project from the general populous. "It's made of what?" noted one out and about Gentleman, "What about the tea?  I'm sorry but this is very disturbing news."

Despite mixed reviews Jamison considerers this a "Career highlight" and after spending two months and 5,117 sugar cubes in the operation it will be the talk of the town for many seconds to come.