High Voiced Hijinks

by Shaky Parkinson

R.I.P. you sexy bastard!

Semi-popular comedian Joe Pasquale committed suicide late last night at his London home.  It is believed Pasquale was struggling with mounting depression after a recent voice change operation left him unable to cope with the voice of a normal person. Police are describing the incident as "Hilarious," and have stated their thoughts are with the dent in this years Christmas DVD releases.

"He looked normal."

Friends have said that, "He wasn't his jovial self, had sunk into depression," and "Was suffering from violent mood swings.  On the surface of things he looked normal and we have no idea what triggered his unhappiness."

"Pasquale had just landed a position with the London Opera Company to sing bass," claimed DCIP Superintendent Bottoms of Scotland Yard, "It's a sad loss, but shit happens, I'm sure Joe just wanted to give us all one final laugh.  In a recent interview Pasquale had claimed that, "Although I'm pleased with the new job and the diverse nature my career is taking it has left me an empty shell of a man."

Pasquale on a usual
bender.

We spoke to Timmy Wretch a dedicated Pasquale fan who recently underwent expensive and hugely painful vocal scrapings in a bid to sound more like his hero but his enthusiasm has quickly turned to anger and discontent at the announcement of his hero's death.

"He was planning on reversing."

"It made me feel sick, physically sick.  To do this to his fans was hurtful, selfish and uncool.  Joe's death has shown me that it is foolish to place your faith in people no matter how brilliant they are."  When asked if he was planning on reversing the operation Timmy claimed that due to a lack of funds he would not be pursuing additional surgery.

The nation is saddened by the loss and comedy trust CARE (Comedians Against Rubbish Extermination) has been set up to help care for Pasquale's thirty-three orphaned children.  He also leaves behind a strong comic legacy, numerous memories of happiness and one final joke being that his middle name is Ellis.

*News Guff would like to note that Joe Pasquale is not in fact dead and that the initial reports were just a well-staged joke on part of the comedian.  Although his middle name is actually Ellis.