by Shaky Parkinson
After a six month search the body of missing news icon 'The Puff Piece' was found stuck up a tree on Clapham Common in the early hours of this morning. Police have said they are shocked at the discovery but are happy that their arduous search has finally resolved itself in a moderately positive way.
"Stabbed."
Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.
"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees. It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches. So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body. I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life. I mean what's the world coming to?"
The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over. The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."
"Knives."
Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data. Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.
And in lighter news...
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| Crime scene. |
"Stabbed."
Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.
"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees. It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches. So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body. I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life. I mean what's the world coming to?"
The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over. The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."
"Knives."
Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data. Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.
And in lighter news...
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