'Gategate': Scandal Exclusive

by Shaky Parkinson

Semi-reliable sources inside Downing Street have leaked formally exclusive information about the property damage suffered by Conservative MP for Kinky Heath, Sebastian Flick during the attack on his home late last Thursday.  What Police were originally calling a 'Gate' Crime perpetrated by a band of drunkards is rapidly being attributed to an ongoing Parliamentary war between two opposing factions within the two main political parties.

At 11.15pm on Thursday, security cameras outside Mr. Flick's Surrey home captured a lone figure as he used human excrement, spray paint and a vast array of low budget cinnamon sticks to smear graffiti and discriminatory slogans on Flick's front gate including phrases such as 'Blue Cross Sale: 15% Reduction In All Tory Support' and the not so witty 'Flick's A Fucking Fake Fuck'.

"Behind one in many."

Talk from inside and outside the Government is that the figure bares a striking resemblance to and actually is Labour MP for Lemon-upon-Lime, Funk Underwood who has shared a long standing feud with Mr. Flick which is said to be the motivation behind one in many violent attacks perpetrated by both individuals.

Underwood caught on CCTV.

The dispute is said to have initiated during a widely publicised Parliamentary five-a-side football tournament that took place in the summer of 1991 in which Underwood claimed Flick tripped him on an unopposed goal attempt that cost his constituency a place in the final.  Flick in turn declared his foot never impacted on Underwood's boot and that the verbal slander was a way of overshadowing the fact that he'd in fact fallen over a piece of dirt.

"I."

"The man is a wretch," spoke Flick earlier this afternoon, "He's once again out to bring down not only myself but also himself and the Conservative Party as a whole although I bet he's the one feeling blue after today's formal identification.  Dirty politics such as this reflect a frankly childlike approach to government both personally and professionally so, na nana naaana."

Indeed Flick's rebuke seems well placed as Underwood was this morning arrested on suspicion of vandalism, more vandalism, blasphemy, catnapping and pottymouth with the press dubbing the scandal 'Gategate' after the similarly recent 'Plebgate' affair.

"We're taking this matter in the most anally way possible," noted Chief Intendant Jacob Wiltshire of Scotland yard, "We're having to delve into a two decade old feud that although harmless at first quickly descended into attempted murder, arson, rape and various acts of buggery.  We are only just starting to collect the relevant evidence needed to unravel these deeds but we have no doubt that this conflict branches into the highest levels of Parliament."

"We have no choice but to hand."

Former PM John Major on the
set of his popular game show
'Got Your Number. 10'.

"It was a tricky situation," spoke former Prime Minister John Major, "There was no clear evidence to prove that Underwood had fallen over the dirt and so in the spirit of Democracy it was agreed by all the members to let them battle it out over a jolly game of pranks.  The ensuing physical assaults, joke phone calls, shootings and mild acts of terrorism were all well and good but the use of feces was a step too far and we had to put a stop to it.  It's a shame Underwood was hard pressed for some creative inspiration and chose to attack his rival by airing his own dirty laundry but the man is a red blooded male and can't be blamed for thinking outside the skull.  Now that the matter has become public we have no choice but to hand control over to the Metropolitan Police for a full investigation."

Underwood was unavailable for comment although when interviewed his doorbell piped up to sing a positive tune of his employer.