Mexican Prison Bursts After Overcrowding

by Shaky Parkinson

A mass bursting at Nuevo Laredo Prison in Northern Mexico has left seven prisoners dead and fifty-nine thrown into the surrounding landscape.  The prison that lies only miles from the American border was being filled up with recent convicts from a national drug campaign but due to the influx was unable to take the strain and subsequently burst.

It appears the increasing bulges were first noticed on Friday and coupled with an increase in financial tightening put pressure on a pocket of guards who were forced to release the strain.  Five guards who were unavailable for comment due to their mysterious disappearance have been held accountable for, "Pussing out and opening the door.  Didn't those fools learn anything from watching Hillsborough?" Yelled Prison Warden, Jesus Pepe, after his nap.  Asked what plans he had to recapture the absconders he said, "It isn't my turn.  I did it in December and there was like 140 of them.  Hey, did I take my nap yet?"

The army was quickly called in to secure the burst building and prevent an even massier mass bulge out, much to the pleasing of President Calderon whose war on drugs pushed him to power in 2006.  "Well he got his war alright," whinged Calderon's main rival, "But I promise a war on prison overcrowding and drugs, so there."

More than 35,000 people have died since Calderon's campaign was put into place and so, "A few little prisoners aren't too much of a biggy.  They'll probably get shot on the border or something.  It'll blow over, just chill.  I better go lie down," he reassured reporters through a docile gaze.

What with more than 400 prisoners bursting forth in the last 18 months and prison bulging becoming more commonplace it seems what little pockets of resistance still stand are quickly being stuffed out.  People across the border say they aren't worried at this recent burst saying, "I just checked in with the realtor and the house price is still fine, so we are looking in good shape."

The Mexican drug cartels that are causing the bulging due to conflicts over smuggling routes into the US are fighting back strong and may mean a rise in prison bulging in the coming future.  Top political analyst, Jose Carlos commented, "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

As we can see drug cartels control all of the countries territory including Calderon's country house but will forcing the cartels into prison really solve the problem? "I dunno," he muttered between snores.

Five Dead In Mind Blowing Explosion

by Shaky Parkinson

Five Men have died and another is, "Very poorly," after a bout with some homemade liquor at an industrial estate in Boston, Lincolnshire.  It is unclear why the party were partying, but the general opinion is that they were celebrating a successful job well done.

Unfortunately the party got out of hand at 7PM last night and rapidly deteriorated into what the Forensic Team are describing as, "One hell of an evening.  Wish I'd been there."

Police are saddened by the loss with Chief Constable Bobbins saying, "No one should die partying.  Forgetting the night before is something you enjoy while living.  We will never forget this brave band of fun enthusiasts and their memory will live on until it is forgotten or possibly remembered."

Anti-liquor group, TWATS (Total Willing Attitude Towards Sobriety) quickly seized upon the tragedy claiming an accident like this was always possible.  "It was always possible," puffed Lyn Schmob, head of the organisation, "This one off, extremely rare and probably highly inaccurate case is just one in a short list of horrific accidents that can occur with the brewing of illegal toxins."

The Families of the dead partygoer's are saddened by the loss but are hoping to get a fresh batch on before the memorial service that will be held throughout the week at 'The Dog and Lion'.  "We wanted to do a candlelit vigil but the TWATS thought it too dangerous," gulped one Widow.

The people of Boston are sending their thoughts out to the families of the deceased and, "Will be there around 5ish for service." One resident, Danny Puffin philosophised, "You won't see the likes of them again."

A full investigation is underway to compile a timeline of last night's events, find any surviving images for Facebook uploading and discern exactly what barley was being used to give the brew such an intriguing texture.

Yoko One To Sue Husband's Memory

by Shaky Parkinson

Yoko Ono is at it again, this time by trying to crush the memory of her late husband and former Jesus lookalike, John Lennon.  Dundee resident and owner of Lennon's, Mike Craig, was sent a letter by Ono's lawyers claiming his memorabilia of infringing copyright.

Amidst confusion and packing Craig had this to say, "Hey buddy I'm just as confused as you this is all authorised merchandise, can you pass me that packing tape."

Ono has yet to comment on the lawsuit but is determined to see the pub renamed and all images of John to be removed within the fortnight.

Craig who has spent thousands of pounds decking out his pub with images of his favourite singer was flabbergasted at the decision.  As was Ronald, the bars resident 'old man at the bar', "This place has been like a home to me these past five years, what's that silly bint up to now.  Isn't she rich enough?  Surely a pub set up to remember one of the world's greatest artists is a good thing.  Share the love and all that," he puked over the bar.

Ever the optimist Craig has not let the decision bother him and after a bit of remodeling McCartney's will be opening this fall.

Gordon Brown Jumps On Ethics Bandwagon In Bid To Be Remembered

by Shaky Parkinson

Former country wrecker Gordon Brown has today attacked News International over its "Disgusting" methods, "Ruthless tactics," and links to the "Criminal Underworld."  "I'VE been out of the limelight for a while and MY PR team said I should attack something big and this seemed the best candidate," the MP stated off the record, "I AM totally willing to rape the notion of ethics if it gets ME and MY POOR, POOR, ill son into the papers."

Asked what he thought about the phone hacking scandal he said, "It is outrageous and disgusting, but enough about that let's talk about ME.  You know they had MY bank details, MY details, it is a disgrace at the way MY personal information can be shared around without any regards to the consequences."  The rest of his mumbling about "Unlawful tactics, Milly Dowler and ordinary citizens," went unheard as our reporter was usurped by a man claiming to be himself.

Further questioning about his administration's dependence on spin journalism and his own alleged media abuses, Brown concluded the interview and ran out of the building, he later claimed, "In tears," but failed to make the exit after slipping on an ID card brochure.

Ed Miliband was quick to defend the MP by whoring himself out to the press with a visit to the Dowler family home.  Amidst winks at the assembled photographers he brought the now meaningless 'D' word into effect and demanded that the Tories sort out, "Justice for them," and that, "Action should be taken on a broad range of issues."

Asked to elaborate Miliband started sweating, blamed the Tories and ran out of the house to hide behind a nearby newsagents.  David Cameron was quick to respond with gritted teeth to say his heart, "Went out to Gordon and Sarah Brown."

Many detailed investigations, reports and investigations are already underway with a delighted Whitehall making many enthusiastic trips to the stationary cupboard.

'Give Us Back Our Race', Waffle French

by Shaky Parkinson

This year's Tour De France is off to a controversial and shocking start with accusations of French 'rule fiddling'.  Today's set back by Team Saxo Bank in the Team Time Trials and the numerous crashes on Stage One have left reigning champion Alberto Contador with a two minute deficit on his rivals.

Contador, whose victory last year is still in question seems pretty bummed at the turn of events. "Something is up, I don't trust these froggies walking around with bolt cutters and spanners, it doesn't seem right," stated the champion after today's stage.

Amid claims of doping and being brilliant Contador is fighting a court battle to retain his 2010 Yellow Jersey, but due to postponement by his lawyers he will not be in court until after this years race.  This has provoked madness by the French organisers saying that, "If his bastard Spanish legs win again this year and he loses in court, we'll take that one away from him as well."

Since Lance Armstrong's seven victories ended in 2005 the Tour De France has been won exclusively by Spanish cyclists and rumours are running rampant that the French are doing all they can to bump Contador from the race.  One important looking bloke let this be overheard, "Damn, this is looking pretty bad, non?  We aven't won our own fucking race in twenty five years.  Sort it."

Since Bernard Hinault's victory in 1985 there have been eleven Spanish and nine American victories and our unknown source continued, "Balls to the spotty coloured shirt, we want the good one.  I'm sick of these foreign people cheating us."

Contador was furious at the two crashes that occurred within the final five kilometers of yesterday's opening stage in which the 3km rule was put in place to bump up all the riders except for himself and his fellow countrymen to equal standings.  "This is shit," he fumed, "that bizarre rule only works if you are on the flat but we were going uphill."

In response the French Race Referee had this to say, "It looked pretty flat from were I was standing, he needs to get his eyes tested, non?"  The 'like it and lump it' attitude to Tour decisions is integral to the outcome of races and the organisers were firm to state, "Any balance to this delicate race might prove catastroph, non?"

Contador who is made of tougher stuff finished his conference with, "Who cares, I'll win it in the mountains and does anyone know why that guy is fiddling with my brakes?"

Andy Murray On Top Form

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has come up trumps by dazzling spectators with a stunning performance in his Wimbledon Semi-final match against Raphael Nadal.

Murray's arrogant, rude and ego ridden nature enabled him to push on through such set backs as winning the first set to achieve an inevitable end result.  "I've been training hard and I'm proud of my performance today," he stated after the match.

Adrenaline pumped crowds were seen leaving centre court pleased at Murray's game saying, "We got the outcome we were expecting."  Boris Becker said, "He played a consistent game and it was enticing to watch."

Asked in detail about his performance Murray said, "errrr, errrr, errrr, well, I played well, stuck it out, errrr, didn't get bogged down with two many break points and my unforced errors were better than I had hoped."  He followed this up with a shrug followed by, "I was let down by my serving, I think it is the weakest part of my game and was really pushing me towards the final, so I had to deal with that."

Murray's performance was textbook continued Becker, "He got off to a horrendous start, but then after really getting into his stride he was able to lose a number of service games before winding things up with a fourth set hissy fit."

Murray's opponent Raphael Nadal was disappointed at his victory and the chance to defend his Wimbledon title saying, "I tried my best but I just have too much charisma and talent to beat Andy, he played a fine game."

For years Murray's special brand of dour blandness has been proving a winning formula with the crowd and it is hoped that today's successful accomplishments will change the wave of popular feeling and give him the edge in next years tournament.

Bringing up the British contingent was Michael McIntyre, whose beady eyes were watching from the crowd just outside bottle range.  Asked what he made of the match he had this to say, "A ten piece cutlery set." although this demonstration of wit was later attributed elsewhere.

Flight Lieutenant Goes AWOL

by Shaky Parkinson

Staff at RAF Valley woke up to the realisation that one of their pilots; one William Arthur Phillip Louis Windsor has gone AWOL.  Flight Lieutenant Windsor, who is part of the Search and Rescue Team, was discovered to have disappeared early this week without so much as a goodbye and a wave.

"This is a massive disappointment," sighed Commanding Officer Bruce Hedley, "He is always disappearing for days and weeks at a time without explanation, and it is causing far too many problems."

"Not two months ago we saw him on television gate crashing an event at Westminster Abbey.  This was followed by a two-week absence and when he returned he looked a little worn out.  Hardly the kind of condition he was needed in for active duty."

There was much criticism bounding around Search and Rescue HQ and one pilot called the debunk, "A bloody disgrace.  Last time I went AWOL I was reprimanded, fined, hung, drawn and quartered.  But William gets off scot-free.  Who does he think he is?"

A search was set in motion and it was quickly discovered that the pilot was flaunting himself around Canada with some, "Skinny bird."  Military Police were quickly sent to recapture the absconder but were forced back by crowds of screaming tourists.  "There was nothing we could do," cried Paul Chiggles, "There was just too many of them."

"We have no choice but to implement all of our legal force to expel him from the army," screamed Hedley, "I will not have my base given such a bad reputation.  This time he is out and I don't care who his Nan is."

A Spokesman for Mr. Windsor said, "Although it is regrettable that my client is unable to rescue people off the Anglesey coast, he is taking part in some much needed moral boosting in the colonies.  So deal with it," he concluded matters with a stern look and the words, "You do know who his Nan is don't you?"