Power To The Person

by Shaky Parkinson

After a prompt by three-and-a-half-year-old Lily Robinson, supermarket giant Sainsbury's have renamed their popular 'Tiger Bread' after her instance that the pattern of the crust better resembles that of a giraffe.  Lily's up front tactics sparked a riot of action from the online community and Sainbury's have had no choice but to bow to pressure and implement the change.

"It's a big day in the fight for correctly named things," claimed Lily, "It doesn't take a four-year-old to realise that the identifying marks of a tiger look nothing like Sainsbury's so called 'Tiger bread'.  This is just another case of the worker's and the people getting screwed over and forced to accept the fat cats idiotic ideals."

"Now now, the decision to change the name of the bread was due to common sense," claimed a Sainsbury's Spokeshuman, "We did some research at the local library and we did find that the bread has a closer resemble to the markings on a giraffe and we are happy that Lily pointed this out to us.  The change has been implemented instantly and we have sent Lily a £3 gift voucher as thanks."

Lily's protest letter.

"It's all public relations bullshit," continued political activist Kingston Voit, "What were they going to say, no?  Think of the mess they'd be in by snubbing a baby.  We took those fuckers to the cleaners and although there is still work to be done at least we can sleep knowing that bread is on the path to being correctly named.  We've signed up a few more infants to fight for the cause and they are already hitting the crayons to continue the fight."

We spoke to Chris King of Sainsbury's Customer Services who has since resigned and is now studying to become a Primary School Teacher.  "Once the action kicked off I had no choice but to leave.  I spent years infiltrating the company and we were waiting for the perfect time to strike.  It just shows that people have the power and that the snobs can go fuck themselves."

Despite initial interest in the change customers are finding the switch confusing, "I spent fifteen minutes arguing with my local supermarket that giraffe bread doesn't exist and frankly their attitude has just lost them a customer," claimed Mr. Con Fu Shun.

Proof used in court proceedings.

Mr. A. Putz took to the news with more anger, "I don't go in for that middle class wank.  A crust is a crust and that's all it'll be to me.  Now fuck off."

Lily and her organisation have not been without attack themselves.  Fifty-eight year old ecologist Dr. Kensley Pond has spent years fighting the organisation and their proposals.  "The bread may possibly resemble the skin of the giraffe but if you're going to pick hairs any true scientist will tell you that the markings are a direct match with those of the Amazonian Mothcat.  This is just another case of a radical faction causing trouble in a bid for attention."

Only time will tell if Sainsbury's multi-billion pound packaging refit for the new 'Giraffe Bread' will reveal itself as a success or a company crippling error.

Dickhead's Can't Win Tennis

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's Australian Open semi-final between Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray has laid down definitive proof that Dickheads are unable to win tennis.  It seems no matter how hard the Scottish tennisman played, he was unable to claim victory because of his inability to smile due to a severe affliction.

It is thought that the amount of people suffering with Dickheaditus is on a rise across the globe and the number of people infected rose by one million percent over the holidays alone.  Experts say that the current statistics are worryingish and that without a cure the problem may soon turn into a pandemic.

Professor. John Professor of Edinburgh University has been leading a pioneering study into Dickheadology (The Study Of Pricks) over the last two years and his team have already made substantial discoveries in the field.

"Dickheads are everywhere," explained Professor, "They run our banks, invade our pop charts and spout out blosh from our television sets.  We have also discovered that the 'Dickhead' mindset is highly contagious and usually targets children under the age of twenty."

He continued, "If we look at Andy Murray in particular we can see the advanced stages of the disease at work.  He has lost all semblance of sportsmanship and elegance while filling up to the brim with impatient anger.  All these traits manifest themselves most strongly when he is put up against stronger competition in the latter stages of high ranking tennis championships and his defeat today is a clear demonstration that being a Dickhead means you can never truly be a winner."

Posing egomaniac McIntyre.

"Although this may not always be the case.  If we look at the likes of Michael McIntyre, Ricky Gervais and Martin Freeman we can see a high level of success in their chosen field.  We call this strain of the disease 'Mystifying'.  In such cases we see an adaption of the disease's binary code to the industry in question that causes fellow sufferers to become ignorant to the effects and subconsciously encourage a distinct increase in degradation in all the participants. This is called homing and in many cases certain industries have become so infected with Dickheads they are beyond help.  We know it and Ricky Gervais knows it that deep down he is a Dickhead but without a cure this poor man is doomed to suffer forever."  

Professor and his team of researchers have been working under hazardous conditions in some of Britain's biggest corporations to obtain data they hope to implement in a cure and next weeks publication will reveal the extent of their successes.

"I'll be blunt with you, it isn't looking good," sighed research assistant Stephen Poliakoff, "We've already tried re-commissioning additional episodes of Hustle to take over Sherlock's Saturday night time-slot.  Along with this we've also offered a thumbs up to Rafael Nadal and tried shooting Chris Moyles but nothing seems to have worked.  The current strain of the virus is proving immune to our best efforts and a more rigorous program is needed.  With that in mind a firebombing of Coronation Street and Albert Square have been scheduled for Saturday but with the disease already progressing to such an advanced state our research might prove worthless."

"If Dickheaditus is not stopped the British public will never see a home grown Scotsman take home the prize," shouted Professor, "This virus is crippling and needs fighting.  Without a cure there are thousands of people walking the streets unable to think straight, muster up a creative thought or even act with civility and that is a scary thought."

An in depth report into the disease will be running on BBC One on Monday between the evening News and The One Show.

Hu-GO!!!

by Shaky Parkinson

Martin Scorses's epic 3D fantasy epic film Hugo has been chosen as the centre fold for the upcoming 84th Academy Awards.  "We just got it right," beamed Martin Scorsese, who has been nominated for Best Director, "We got all the names we wanted to and hit all the right parties.  This year we are all go."

Huggo leads a cavalcade of films with 11 nominations and has been tipped to win the coveted top spot.  The widely adored, praised and known film The Artist follows with a cheeky 10 nominations with the likes of War Hearse and Moneybag struggling up the hill with a meagre 6.

"Well it all went to shit for Spielberg after he farted in front of Billy Crystal at Meryl Streep's New Years bash," continued Scorsese, "You can't really give the Best Director award to someone who can't hold down a sardine appetizer."

The Academy Award's have been generating the usual global horn and it is thought this years celebrations will be the most engorged yet.  "I love the Oscars," stated Mrs. Brown of Hull, "It's all pretty, then they hand out the statues and I get to yell and point, it's dreamy."

"I love the way in which they always give awards to the films I haven't seen," exclaimed dedicated viewer Don Pritlock, "They do it every year even if people keep telling me the films aren't any good.  It's so exciting, although it would be nice to see 'The Stath' give an Oscar speech."

Veteran host Billy Crystal is said to be thrilled with the line-up and is looking forward to a 'Good clean fight'.  "It'll be great," he elaborated, "To be honest anything will top the year I did American Beauty, good that felt like a chore.  It's been eight years since Lord Of The Rings so maybe wizards are cool again.  You just can't predict these things.  Wink Wink."

Either way it is thought that seventy billion people will be tuning in throughout the globe and beyond to watch the multi-million dollar pageant and regardless of who has already won, the event will no doubt prove the usual highlight of the film industry's calendar.

Threesomes To Combat Birth Defects

by Shaky Parkinson

A controversial genetic study has been established to discover whether the effects of a three-way will be able to cure birth defects in children.  The plan is to get two lady bits and a man bit and then make it so babies aren't born stupid anymore.

"It's a big step forward," says research director Dr. Foster, "We're basically fucking around with things to make the most perfect baby we can, just like in that film Gattaca and that guy went into space.  Theoretically there shouldn't be any problems but they said plastic surgery is fine too and look how that's been abused.  In my opinion this is all top notch stuff."

From our brief research News Guff can report that the words mitochondria and battery have been used but in what context no one can understand.  It seems initial research is proving far less sexy than originally promised and this has angered a large number of sexually repressed groups.

"We wanted something juicy to protest against," claims Evangelical Minister A. Twat, "But as far as we can make out this three way nonsense is all very clinical and disgusting.  There are no whips, whipping or whipped cream and frankly very minimal male involvement.  This isn't really worth the time."

"What we're doing is radical," continues Foster, "We're fusing two eggs together sprinkling on a splash of cum and then all the good things will create a baby that doesn't have the bad bits.  Three-parent IVF treatment is nothing to worry about.  Despite the name there will be no sex and probably no six limbed children."

"I dunno about this," claimed activist Mr. N. Parker, "It'll put a lot of health professionals out of work and it does go against the whole notion of creation.  On the plus side there will be less wheel chairs about.  Tough choice."

Such risky sexual activity has been widely encouraged throughout history but it is thought this might be one step too far.  "Call me old fashioned but I'm not having a threesome in a laboratory," cited one enthusiast, "Where's the magic?"

"I understand people have their concerns," furthered Foster, "At first I couldn't understand the process.  I thought a threesome was for fun but now I see it can save the world too.  We should all be having them.  I get asked many questions and I'm here to dispel the myths.  Like the fact that by using two eggs we do run the risk of creating more women, but on the plus side that should mean there will be more sexy ones to look at.  That's fact, not speculation."

Conspiracy theorist Jed Barnes author of radical news-sheet 'IT'S NOT FUCKING SWAMP GAS!!!' has spoken out about the proposed tests.  "It's a scam," he commented during a secret phone interview, "Think about it, more women, more shopping, more needless clothes, something isn't right.  We're fucked man, fucked."

The preliminary tests at Newcastle University have already seen numerous picketing and it is hoped the situation will escalate when news of the sexy tests become known to the public.  There have already been fifty thousands applicants applying for the project one of which is Ed Cummings, "If I'm accepted this will change my life, having a threesome to save the world.  I'll be like Superman or Christian Bale."

"It's been an easy sell," concluded Foster, "People can't wait for the results.  I can't move for the grants being sent my way.  It's touching to know people are so enthusiastic about three-ways."

Man Makes Sugar Cube Number 10

by Shaky Parkinson

Northern Ireland artist Brendan Jamison has conned his way into the halls of power by sculpting a near enough replica of Downing Street's famous black door.  The sculpture is set to be part of a cavalcade of pieces that are set to confuse foreign dignitaries and visiting VIP's.

"We needed something to go next to the door," claimed Head of Staff George Butler, "And what better thing than another door.  We sent the word out and this dude turns up with a giant sugar cube thing and we were like, yes!"

"Ping."

"It made perfect sense to me," claimed Jamison, "I like my coffee bitter and so I had all this sugar left over and then it hit me.  Ping.  Sugar sculptures.  It was then I knew what my purpose in life was.  Sugar.  Not only is it reasonably cheap to work with but no one can make up their minds if it's lame or not so until that gets sorted out I'm on easy street."

Visiting President Felipe Calderon of Mexico commented, "It's sugar?"  While Botswana's President Ian Khama said, "I don't get it."

"This is very disturbing news."

News Guff took the idea to the streets to get the lowdown on the project from the general populous. "It's made of what?" noted one out and about Gentleman, "What about the tea?  I'm sorry but this is very disturbing news."

Despite mixed reviews Jamison considerers this a "Career highlight" and after spending two months and 5,117 sugar cubes in the operation it will be the talk of the town for many seconds to come.

Tesco Fail To Hit Total Dominance Of UK Economy

by Shaky Parkinson

Your local Tesco.

Tesco shares have today fallen by 15% after the company failed to achieve total dominance of the UK economy in the 14 weeks leading up to January 7th.  The company has stated that it is "Disappointed" with its Christmas trading.

"Things are tough," said a Tesco Spokesmanwoman, "Sales were up by 5% but for some reason we aren't yet in complete control of everything.  We set down targets and these have to be met or Head Office gets funny.  Even after our unbelievable price hikes over the last five years we still missed are predictions.  We've quadrupled the price of our economy value tuna from 19p to 78p and look where that's gotten us.  With the price rises on bread alone you'd expect at least a majority shareholding in the NHS.  We've tried our best and it seems that shopper's would rather go elsewhere.  We're just after a few more pennies.  Every little helps."

Despite having such wildly unreachable goals the figures and targets speak for themselves and far away in a place called 'The Stock Market' there was an unexpected rush to sell as many shares as possible in a bid to save the pennies.

"Pennies make pounds," stated Trader Trench Slick "And pounds buy things.  So if there is even the slightest whiff of losing our pennies we're out.  It starts with a bit of banter around the water cooler and then by lunch everyone is in the loop.  It's concentrated fear and uneasiness, and that is what makes the world go round."

A graph showing not so
good things.

"When you expect to make a trillion pounds and you make a bit less than that it hurts.  It really hurts," continued the Spokesmanwoman, "If this trend keeps up we might only make a few billion pounds in clear profit over the next year and frankly that sounds like a waste of time.  At best we'll see minimal profit growth and I'm starting to think all those companies that are going bust and getting a bit of spare time are on the right track."

Tesco have not been the only company to suffer over the Christmas period.  Home Retail Group who own Argos and Homebase said its like-for-like sales (?) were down and that a sharp rise in home accidents involving nail guns have proven bad for business.

Business Guru Frank Splosh shed some light before commenting on the economy's recent downturn, "People are pricks.  They'd rather sit at home and order a reasonably priced DVD off Amazon and receive excellent customer service instead of trudging into town in the rain to be told by a gormless JJB Sport employee that the trainers they are after 'Could be here somewhere'.  Frankly I find the whole matter deplorable."

Either way the recession has officially hit businesses hard and although there is still profit to be had it seems the profit is not high enough for some.

Worral Thompson Praised After Queue Jumping

by Shaky Parkinson

Last Friday, Egg Whisker and Saucepan Designer Anthony Royal Thompson was caught queue jumping by security staff at the Henley-on-Thames branch of Tesco.  It seems he had entered the store in a flustered state in pursuit of some 'Low Value' cheese and wine but upon reaching the tailback at the express checkouts Thompson took matters into his own hands and left the building.

Despite being unable to leave with his goods Thomspon broke free of the Staff and ran off into the car park screaming with delight.  His actions sparked numerous uprisings throughout the middle classes and it is thought that the thousands of pounds Tesco pocketed on staff cut backs were wiped out by the sudden disappearance of six million cubic tonnes of Red Leicester.

"He's a Saint," whispered nearby shoppers, "He's broken the mould and done what we all wish we could do if we had a well established television career behind us."

"I'm just a man," claimed Thompson on Monday's edition of The One Show, "We were having a few friends over and so I had to make a dash for a few vitals.  If the supermarket hadn't pushed me to breaking point with their lengthy queues I wouldn't be here today." 

Thompson leading the fight for
rights.

Thompson escaped prosecution on grounds that, "Tesco had already gotten their publicity's worth out of the event and simply wanted to return the cheese to its housing before it went moldy and had to be written off.  

Yet Thompson's acts have called for a probe into the supermarket's 'We'll open a till if there's a line' policy.  "There was one work experience girl to service fifty of us and that wasn't good enough," sounded Thompson, "If no one stands up to these tossers where will we be?" 

Off the back of his unexpected success Thompson has outlined a program of protest to defeat the unnecessary removal of goods from supermarkets in a quick manner that leaves people free from stress and anger.  His 'Five Minutes Or Free' campaign is set to launch on Sunday to moderate reception.   

Give Me A Grave Please Bob

by Shaky Parkinson

Veteran broadcaster Bob Holness has died at age 83.  Holness' career spanned six decades but he will be most remembered as the host of television word extravaganza Blockbusters and the radio voice of not so secret agent James Bond.

'The man was truly awesome," claimed Bob Holness founder of The Church Of Bob Holness, "I remember the day when my change of name came back from Deed Poll and I just exploded.  It was the best day of my life but today I cracked open the Blockbusters board game and wept."

It was indeed the show Blockbusters that occupied Holness' time from 1983 to 1993 when the show finally ran out of words.  "I remember the last series," claimed Holness in a 1995 radio interview, "I came onto the set and the hexagons were all filled with Z's.  I turn to our producer and he slams down a copy of the Oxford dictionary and says, 'Bob, we're out of words and I don't think hyphenating is going to fly, looks like we're sunk.  I didn't half chuckle."

Holness in 1867 being awesome!

Holness will be cremated with his favourite dictionary and Martini shaker next Wednesday and a special remembrance plaque has been ordered to fill up a space in the garden of television centre.  The plaque is to read, "In loving memory of Bob Holness, Gentleman, Legend, Gentleman Legend.  And no, I wasn't the guy from Batman."

Despite such a wonderful career the broadcasting chap was unable to call one bluff and will forever live on with an ever-growing status when people discover that his middle name was Wentworth.  "He was a loving and genuine person," claimed Everyone.

It has been said by relatives that Holness' last words were, "I never understood why they called it Blockbusters.  There's nothing square about a hexagon."

Man Loses Washing, And Belief In Humanity

by Shaky Parkinson

The unruly weather has today claimed it's third victim.  Mr. Mctavish of Dunbar, East Lothian was shocked to discover that upon returning home after a quick pasty his yearly washing had been caught up in a sudden storm and whisked from its securely pegged home and flung into the nearby vicinity.

"It was a shock and that's no mistake, I can tell ya'," he claimed, "I was strolling up the pathway outside the house and I knew sommit were wrong.  I caught the tail end of a wishful gust and me pasty went northward.  By the time I got to the garden there was nothin' left."

It seems Mr. McTavish's clothing has been reported as landing as far away as Spain and a flurry of pants have been sighted heading North across eight counties.  "That's the whole lot gone," sobbed McTavish, "All I've got left are my dreams and I'm scared to hang them up again.  I've never felt so helpless."

Mr. McTavish is not the only person to suffer from the gale force winds.  There have been reports of blown over patio furniture and damaged Christmas lights throughout the country.  "It's a disgrace," claimed one Disgrace, "They need to sort this out.  That barbecue was was proper expensive and top range and now I've got nothing but some broken tongs.  I'm really not happy about this."

Local charity Mittens For Victims have agreed to donate a complete wardrobe, including draws, to Mr. McTavish in a bid to help him through these troubling times but he has not been since he nipped to the shops for some sticky tape.  This mysterious disappearance came at the same time Superman was spotted hanging low over Prestonpans and it is hoped he has arrived just in time to stop another shed from collapsing another hobby shop.

Editorial: It's 20112

Hippy Wen Year from teh News Goff Meat!!!