Tesco Fail To Hit Total Dominance Of UK Economy

by Shaky Parkinson

Your local Tesco.

Tesco shares have today fallen by 15% after the company failed to achieve total dominance of the UK economy in the 14 weeks leading up to January 7th.  The company has stated that it is "Disappointed" with its Christmas trading.

"Things are tough," said a Tesco Spokesmanwoman, "Sales were up by 5% but for some reason we aren't yet in complete control of everything.  We set down targets and these have to be met or Head Office gets funny.  Even after our unbelievable price hikes over the last five years we still missed are predictions.  We've quadrupled the price of our economy value tuna from 19p to 78p and look where that's gotten us.  With the price rises on bread alone you'd expect at least a majority shareholding in the NHS.  We've tried our best and it seems that shopper's would rather go elsewhere.  We're just after a few more pennies.  Every little helps."

Despite having such wildly unreachable goals the figures and targets speak for themselves and far away in a place called 'The Stock Market' there was an unexpected rush to sell as many shares as possible in a bid to save the pennies.

"Pennies make pounds," stated Trader Trench Slick "And pounds buy things.  So if there is even the slightest whiff of losing our pennies we're out.  It starts with a bit of banter around the water cooler and then by lunch everyone is in the loop.  It's concentrated fear and uneasiness, and that is what makes the world go round."

A graph showing not so
good things.

"When you expect to make a trillion pounds and you make a bit less than that it hurts.  It really hurts," continued the Spokesmanwoman, "If this trend keeps up we might only make a few billion pounds in clear profit over the next year and frankly that sounds like a waste of time.  At best we'll see minimal profit growth and I'm starting to think all those companies that are going bust and getting a bit of spare time are on the right track."

Tesco have not been the only company to suffer over the Christmas period.  Home Retail Group who own Argos and Homebase said its like-for-like sales (?) were down and that a sharp rise in home accidents involving nail guns have proven bad for business.

Business Guru Frank Splosh shed some light before commenting on the economy's recent downturn, "People are pricks.  They'd rather sit at home and order a reasonably priced DVD off Amazon and receive excellent customer service instead of trudging into town in the rain to be told by a gormless JJB Sport employee that the trainers they are after 'Could be here somewhere'.  Frankly I find the whole matter deplorable."

Either way the recession has officially hit businesses hard and although there is still profit to be had it seems the profit is not high enough for some.